Over the years I have expressed my feelings about my husband having pornography in the home. I find it offensive and I am not comfortable with it (especially since he seems to use it as a REPLACEMENT for the real thing with me!). He has repeatedly told me that he respects my feelings on the matter... but over the past many years I have found HIDDEN pornography on three seperate occasions... and all three he said he understood my feelings and didn't need it so he would get rid of it. Well... I just recetly found a magazine and a video tape hidden in a tackle box in our garage (when I was looking for a piece of fishing line to hang something)... I just don't understand why he chooses to lie to me. Do you think he has a problem?? Am I being unreasonable asking him not to have porn?? Thanks.
2006-12-20 09:01:52 · 24 answers · asked by Jenna 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Whether or not pornography is an issue depends upon the relationship and the people in it. Some women are perfectly comfortable with their men having porn in the house, some share in the experience and some don't feel comfortable ~ like you. You should not force yourself to put up with something that makes you uncomfortable... that is not healthy for your relationship. Unfortunately what is happening is there is a lack of trust because instead of actually respecting your wishes your husband CHOOSES to lie to you and HIDE things from you... not healthy. You may just have to either come to some sort of compromise that will make both of you feel comfortable... or you may just have to leave. Can you trust him? Do you feel like your views are respected? Some women might be more comfortable putting up with porn... but if you're not... then you're not... and it's your decision. Ultimately you have to decide what YOU are willing to tolerate.
2006-12-20 09:49:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most men like porn of some kind. Whether it's 'soft core' like Playboy magazine or 'hard core' that can be downright, well, crazy.
Consider this example - you are slender when you get married. You start putting on a few pounds. He tells you he doesn't like you heavy and finds it offensive. He says he is not comfortable with an overweight wife.
You tell him repeatedly you respect his feelings on the matter, but you keep eating (you even sneak food when he isn't around and *really* enjoy that chocolate - the stuff he doesn't know about tastes great!) and not working out.
One day, he comes home early and catches you polishing off a box Krispy Kremes. He tells you over the years he has found numerous hidden stashes of food - donuts, hard candy, Godiva truffles. You tell him you understand his feelings and you don't need it so you get rid of it.
He says, "I can't understand why you choose to lie to me about your overeating."
Do you have a problem? Is he unreasonable to ask you to shed 40 pounds? What if he is *always* bothering you about it and saying, "Look at me, I am not overweight. I don't need donuts. I am fine with these brussel sprouts. Why can't you be like me?"
Well, just like you would be offended that he asks you to stop enjoying extra food, you won't stop him from enjoying extra sex.
If you have some deep moral or religious objection to porn, how in the world did you marry this guy and not know he had a high sex drive and liked adult movies? Also, what is it about porn you don't like - you think it degrades women, is too harsh, or people shouldn't watch other people going at it - what? There are some adult films that answer many of those concerns.
One area of compromise might be "couples" porn. It isn't so harsh about camera close-ups and bright lighting so it seems less like an ob-gyn exam and more of a sensual experience. Look for some of that in an adult bookstore and see if you can handle that. Watching something erotic you like with him would make his decade.
Stop trying to change him, though. It will never happen. He'll just drive to a porn video store and watch it there. If you don't want to try adult movies, sex issues can be a real deal-breaker so it might be the end of the line for you two.
2006-12-20 17:28:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
In the opinion of a young married man, I would say no he doesn't have a problem, he's a man. Why do you find it offensive? If you think it's a replacement i can assure you that NOTHING replaces the real thing. If you don't like the content, i think you should overlook it. I think for most married men, porn is an outlet. I don't know how often you have sex, but i think most men want it more. If he's not having sex enough for himself he has 3 options. 1. Deal with it 2. Use porn 3. Divorce/Cheat You will have to decide what is more important to you. Him feeling neglected, having porn, or not being married. If he isn't concerned with you satisfaction during sex, and the romance that comes before then it's his problem. If he is concerned and trying, then it's your problem. He will not stop using porn unless he feels that he doesn't need it. It's a tricky issue because most women think that the man wants the women in the movie, when really it is just a thought that pops up into a mans head. "man i really want to *** right now" and if the situations occurs where your not willing, or not there, wouldn't it be better for him to let it happen with porn, instead of feeling unwanted or cheating?
2006-12-20 17:15:26 · answer #3 · answered by Puzzeled 1 · 1⤊ 3⤋
I think pornography is a problem in marriage, especially when both spouses aren't comfortable with it. He needs to respect your views on the subject. You are not being unreasonable. He might as well have someone else on the side, if he has to hide it. If I hide anything from my wife, it's going to be a real woman.
2006-12-20 17:05:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
No. Don't be jealous, even though its our first instinct to get mad, because we feel like we are betrayed in some way...it's not real. They are just women getting paid to do that on the movies and in the magazines. I was once told (regarding this same topic- by a man) that a man once done looking at the porn, within that hour he doesn't even remember what the lady looked like. That really made me feel better about catching my husband with pornography on his computer. I try really hard not to let it bother me. I just assume that when he is at home alone, he is watching it and I don't get mad. I think you should not feel jealous, even though its hard not to. Happy Holidays
2006-12-20 17:53:43 · answer #5 · answered by Stephanie H 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are being unreasonable. All men do porn, all of them. For the ones that say that their man doesn't, is because they haven't check on the tackle box yet.
He doesn't have a problem, this is (whether you like it or not) pretty much normal.
You seem to be perhaps a bit young and don;t understand. You don;t have to be jealous... think about it this way... he is not wondering about with other women!
Good luck
2006-12-20 17:11:57 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
If you would take the effort of observing what sort of pornography he digs, maybe you'll be able to discover his fetishes and fantasies and this can help in strengthening your relationship if you also dig what he digs and play along. Men tend to turn to pornography to visualize their fantasies and if women started helping them in enlivening them then pornography would be off the shelf of every household.
2006-12-20 18:12:03 · answer #7 · answered by Flirtatious Wiz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give him more sex and don't make a big deal about it. If he is getting it he shouldn't need to look at pictures of other women. Men get off on visual cues more than women. They might even be from before you were married. In any case it is better that he unloads his rifle alone than with a stripper or something. Ask him if he needs help with cleaning out his gun barrel.
2006-12-20 17:12:02 · answer #8 · answered by 2-007 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
A lot of women are uncomfortable with pornography while it is not a big deal to them. The problem that I see is that he is ignoring you - that means your relationship will fall apart.
One suggestion that I can make is that many women are just too conservative in how they behave in bed and how they dress and pornography allows a man to satisfy that need when their woman wouldn't do it. Maybe you need to find out more about his fantasies and enact them.
It might help but I can not guarantee that he will give it up for good.
2006-12-20 17:06:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
Jealous, I don't think so. Like it or not your husband is having an affair. He is looking at other women and fantasizing what he could have. This is wrong and you should be offended.
My advice to you is: Insist that he seek help with this addiction or you are on your way out. I don't know you and I feel you deserve better than this.
2006-12-20 17:09:34 · answer #10 · answered by 93octane 1 · 3⤊ 1⤋