she has lied!!! How do I look at her the same or 100% trust her again?

Question

I'm married 2 what i thought was the perfect women. Then i find out that while we where dating that she was spending alot of time on the phone and texting another guy. I carefully confronted her with what all i had found out and she denied it, and finally after just telling her to quit lying she said "it was nothing seriuos", she also claimed that she had NEVER met this person. 1100 min in 1 month and endless texting ( its hard to believe) that she hasn't met him.Also 1 of their calls came when she and i were at the lake for some downtime.. She called him twice behind my back. I found some of her old cells bills and his # was all over it. plus some of her ex co-workers claim that she has met him and even has talked about it openly, and that he bought her things. I have asked her to tell me the truth and she "swears" that she has been honest, but my gut tells me she is lying. She has since got a new cell phone and her old was deleted , and has not been seen around the house. she lying?

Answer 1

Joe,

Women lie more than men, we just don't get caught.

If we do let you catch us, it's because you did something wrong.

This is all your fault. Fix your marriage.

Answer 2

Well, if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt (i.e., have hard evidence like cell phone bills and such) that she had called and texed the guy this much, and she is denying it - then obviously she is lying. So the answer to one of your questions is yes, she's lying to you.

How to look at her "the same" and trust her "the same" - you can't. Everything the other person does, good or bad, alters our perception of them, and we can never look at them "the same" today as we did yesterday, and our outlook is bound to change as we learn more about the person. The question you can ask yourself is - in the light of these new facts, can you accept her behavior as a part of who she is? Can you fogive her lies, and still enjoy the positive side of your relationship? Can you live with the fact that her ideas of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship are so different from yours? If she feels this relationship does not warrant the committment you are asking for - can you fully accept this point of view, and the implications of it? If you can't - you're better off looking for someone else. You can't change her or her outlook on things; you will only run into the same problem over and over again down the road. Why prolong the agony? Obviously, she doesn't view this relationship the same way you view it.

Answer 3

Tell her that she has damaged the trust you had in her. Then ask her how SHE is going to fix it?

If she can't think of anything, then suggest a few like:
ACCESS to her email, cell phone, voice mail ... etc.

If she says NO, then say "I didn't want to check them. All I wanted was for you to offer. I guess I have my answer."

Then walk away. No more talking. Divide up your finances so you have your own acct. Use the shared acct to only put in your equal and fair half to pay the bills. Start gathering up your stuff. This will show her that she completely screwed up and is about to lose you. If she now offers to show you everything say "Now that is NOT good enough. Your actions have told me more than I wanted to know and it will take a long time for me to trust. If you want to try then you also need to know it will not happen fast. I will have my doubts and hopefully over time they will be less and less. I see it as a hard road, but I'm willing to do it. Are you?"

Then invade the crap out of her privacy, put key logger on the computer. Review every cell bill and if she has switched to a service that does show every call made tell her she needs to switch service. Don't forget to check the credit card statements incase she is charging another phone to a credit card. Don't see this as punishment, but rather that cost for her actions.

Answer 4

Without trust, there isn't much grounds for a good marriage. If you have caught her lying to you and then she gets a new phone, it should tell you something. First, I would ask her if she minded if you had a girl like the guy she has...."nothing serious". You know she'll get mad as hell. If she's doing this to you after only two years of marriage, imagine what the rest of your marriage is going to be like. Nobody deserves that. She at least owes it to you to be straight up about everything. Once she is, then you can decide where to go from there.

Answer 5

I think the question you need to ask yourself is if the past makes a difference. Even if she did meet him before you got married, she is married to you now. I think you need to drop it and focus on the present and the future. Don't ruin your marriage because of something that happened in the past that only changes your relationship today if you make it.

If you are just looking for a reason to be mad at her or cause a divorce, then you are on the right track, but if you want this marriage to last, better to put it behind you and trust that she won't do that again.

Answer 6

You bet she is lying. There is more going on than phone calls, I don't give this advice often. But, if I was you-I would divorce right away. If she doesn't want to, just do what ever you have to to get her to agree to the divorce. Once you are completely and legally free- then you can try to work it out, after the divorce-not before. This way if it doesn't work out-you are free. The other way, you are taking all the risk. If it all works out-you can always get re-married.
Be safe-divorce-then try to work it out. I know that sounds backwards-but it is the safest way for both.

Answer 7

Tell her straight out that you don't trust her, and that her friends at work tell you that she saw him behind your back. Tell her that you believe them over her. Tell her that she has been caught in a lie, so she is guilty until proven innocent. Tell her you are not going to be played for a fool any longer, and that if she doesn't come clean and tell you everything, then you're going to have to get outside help. Get a counceler at that point. If she comes clean, listen to her, and tell her that you're willing to forgive her, but that you don't trust her right now and she has to earn your trust back.

Answer 8

You are being played for a sucker. She deserved no trust from you, and she has done nothing to make up for it. Cheating is doing anything in secret from your spouse. She has cheated on you. Tell her you no longer trust her, and if she does not open up her cell phone records to you, and let you see her email, that you can never learn to trust her again. She is to be your slave and prove herself worthy of your trust again. If not, dump her lying azz.

Answer 9

probably lying

get proof, get more proof

see how far she will take the lie, if you say what you know and she denys it, she has no character and you should probably leave

maybe figure she gets 100 hours to explain and defend why and all

deduct an hour from that for every day until she fesses up

Answer 10

so she did all of this when you two were dating? is she still doing this now? if she is not.....THEN WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT??? at some point when she was dating you, she let this other guy go. big deal. you are married now. what happened before you two got married no longer matters anymore. i would never tell a guy i was dating i was talking to someone else. it is my porogative to date as many men as i choose until someone makes it clear to me they want to date exclusively and marriage is a thought for the future.

Answer 11

I've known several police officers, including my husband. They are all trained in deception detection. One of them "knew" for sure his wife was cheating when she said, "I swear that's all that happened". This "promise" prompted him to look further, and he ended up being right. "I swear to God" is another one. My husband says the same thing.