How do I deal with my mother who doesn't want to be a grandma?

Question

My mom is 50, I am 26.

My wife and I are having our baby after being together for 5 years. My mom hated my wife since she "stole" me away from her, and was very unhappy that I got married and "left" her. Now she finally has her first boyfriend in 8 years and my wife is 2 months pregnant with our first child. My mother doesn't know yet.

My mom has told me many times that she is too young to be a grandma, and that she can't put her life on hold for a grandbaby. She is so wrapped up with her boyfriend of 2 months that I think she will think being a grandma will ruin her life or take time away from her boyfriend.

I am expecting her to be very unhappy when we announce the pregnancy at Christmas dinner. I know everyone else will be happy, but how do I deal with my mom? My father is dead, so its hard not to have a parent who is happy for me.

Answer 1

I don't know why your mother would think she would have to put her life on hold,it's your child!Maybe now that your mom has a boyfriend she will be a little more happy now and her whole life won't revolve around you and what your doing w/ your life.I would just tell her and the family the way you plan to,she may not be that happy at first but she has 9 months to get used to it,and once she holds that child for the first time I'm sure she will have a change of heart about not wanting it!And if she doesn't shes rather heartless and it will be her loss not yours or your child's...enjoy your baby!

Answer 2

My mom didn't think she wanted to be a grandmother either (she'd told me forever not to have kids) but when my daughter was born and she got to hold her, her misgivings went away. Now, your mom may not be that way, but there is a chance that although she may seem unhappy for you during your wife's pregnancy, when the baby is actually born she will fall in love with him/her and be proud to be a grandma. Plus, remind her that being a grandmother these days doesn't mean becoming an old fogey. My mom hasn't let it slow down her lifestyle. My friend's mother is single and has a boyfriend, and they run around together all the time, but she still makes some time to see the grandkids. Actually, it worked out great because her boyfriend loves the kids too. Just let your mom know that you don't expect her to be a built in babysitter- that seems to be the biggest worry for younger grandma's- they feel that they've raised their kids and this is their time, and they don't want to go through the child rearing process again. So let your mom know that while you want her to be involved in the child's life, you don't need or expect her to watch the baby all the time. Hopefully your mother will come around, but if not, don't let her spoil your excitement and happiness of being a dad.

Answer 3

maybe you can tell her before hand to let her get used to being the idea, just let her know that you and your wife are going to let everyone else know at Christmas and not to ruin the surprise. As far as her being upset with you about having a child, you just need to lay down some boundaries and rules. Let her know that this is your child and does not affect her in any way. She doesn't have to give up her love life and fun to be a grandmother. It is not like she will be raising the child. This may sound a little harsh and cruel, but It has to be done. I am sorry for your loss, hopefully she will come around soon. My mother in law didn't like me either until I had a daughter and she finally started coming around. Her oldest child had like 3 or 4 husbands before I met my husband and I guess she thought I would be like that. Good Luck and congratulations. This is a happy time and you should celebrate and rejoice!

Answer 4

Well if she can't be happy for you two during the pregnancy then she is not going to be happy for you at all after the baby is born. You can try to let her know how you feel, but its up to her to be a part of your baby's life. You can't force her to be a grandmother but in some cases its alot better that way.

My mother-inlaw goes around saying that she is too young to be a grandmother ( she is 42, hubby and I are 23 if she didn't want to be a young grandmother than she shouldn't have had my hubby when she was 19.). But we honestly could give a damn about what she says. We live our lives because it is exactly that. Besides if we ever took advice from her we would probably not be together, or my hubby would be working at a dead end job around where she lives, and we would have our son or be expecting our next child.

BTW She has still yet to "come around" about it. She hasn't seen her first grandson in 2 yrs and I doubt she will be visiting when this baby is born.

Answer 5

Wow, I am 53 and have 8 grandbabies. I could not wait to hold those babies (whether I liked my daughter-in-law or not!!). Obviously, you have to tell her, it she responds negatively, simply tell her that WHEN she comes around, she can contact you. Until then, don't call / write / nothing. NOBODY should come between you and your wife/family. My mother in law always said she was too young too, but she was one of the first ones to hold her new grandson, so maybe there is hope for your mom. But no matter how this turns out -- have a wonderful, Blessed Christmas with your beautiful wife and soon to be child. Since you are already prepared for a negative reaction, plan something special -- just for you and your wife -- some fantastic celebration. God Bless and Merry Christmas!!!

Answer 6

First of all you are not the one who has to deal with anything except for dealing with being a daddy and husband. You need to tell mom and if she is not happy, well too bad. You are a grown man and you are about to be a daddy and that is sooooooooo exciting. Don't let anyone ruin that for you. But mom may surprise you and be happy. Trust me when I tell you that mom will get over it. She doesn't have a choice. Don't give her one. It isn't like you are asking the family their opinion of you having a baby. You are making an announcement not asking a question. So if mom makes a scene or says how she feels, politley tell her that it is not about her. This is about you, your wife and the baby. CONGRATS by the way.

Answer 7

I went through the exact same thing when I had both of my kids. I was 19 and not married when I had my first and my mother was 39. She is one of those who doesn't act like she is as old as she is, she even had a 28 year old boyfriend at the time. Anyway she went as far as to tell me she was too young when she had me and she was way too young to be a grandma and I should have an abortion. Well needless to say I didn't speak to my mother again until I was almost seven months pregnant. After that I guess it just finally sunk into her head that she was going to be a grandma and she just had to deal with it. Although she still did not show up for the birth of her first grandchild she loves spending time with them now.

Answer 8

If your mother is unhappy, that's just sad. I would immagine that once the baby is born, she'll be very happy, but I understand you'd like her to be happy during the pregnancy too. It's a very understandable thing to want. I can only say that hopefully you are wrong about how she will react. Hopefully when you announce she'll be suprizingly happy for you.

It's not fair for your mother to expect you to put your life on hold becuase she's, "too young to be a grandmother". If she's not happy, just remind her, you are the ones that will be raising the child, so there's no need for her to feel she has to put her life on hold. Tell her you hope she continues to do the things she feels she needs to do for herself.

Answer 9

Well, congratulations on your baby! You will not regret having one, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Here's the deal...I'm gonna get Dr Phil on you now...the having a baby is not about what your mom thinks, it is about what you and your wife thinks. If your mom is unhappy with being a grandma, she is going to have to deal with it in her own way. Don't you feel guilty for starting a family. If she decides she doesn't want anything to do with the child, let her go...she will come back.

Parenting is about you and your partner. Not about you and your mom. I understand how she feels but, frankly, if she didn't want to be a grandparent, she shouldn't have had children herself. I know people who are in their early 30s and are grandparents already...it happens.

Fortunately I will be near 50 by the time my kids are able to produce children. :-) I would prefer having grandchildren while I am young, so that I can have more time to spend with them. But, it's not up to me when my kids decide to have children. It's up to them...and that's the bottom line.

Answer 10

Wow, tough dilemma. If your Mom doesn't have "time" to be a Grandma then maybe this child just doesn't need her either. I would let the chips fall where they may, who knows your mom may have a change of heart when it comes down to it. You can't put your life on hold for your mother and besides how old are Grandmothers supposed to be?

Thumbs up I agree: She can be happy for you or miserable without you!