How do I help my wife love/trust/desire me again...I cheated?

Question

I had an affair at the beginning of the year. It lasted for a few months. I was out of state working for 8 months and because I was in Mississippi working after the hurricane, there was limited housing and not a lot of time off. My wife and I only saw each 5 times in 8 months. Thats no excuse, I really don't know why I did it. It was stupid, selfish, etc etc. It was the first time I ever cheated, and as God as my witness I will never do that to my wife again. I cant bear to see her hurt the way she has. I could never express all the remorse I feel, but I will spend the rest of our lives trying to make it up. She is a wonderful woman and has found it in her heart to try and forgive me. We are active in church ( I have asked God for his forgiveness, and feel that I have repented my sin), and counseling. I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me, I HOPE I can forgive myself one day. My question is...as hard as she is trying, she has god days and bad days which I (continued)

completely understand!! I have been and gotten checked for STDs to ease her mind. We have resumed our sex life and when she has some wine or beer at night (which she has just recently stared doing) te sex is fine. But if she doesn't have a drink she cannot go on with the act. I'm not complaining, I will give her all the time she needs, I messed up. She did not. But I want to know what I can do to help her. I am so in love with her, and if anything came out of my mistake, it is that I realize now what a wonderful person she is and how I cannot live with out her. Our 11 yrs of marriage hae been wonderful. Anyone have any suggestions as to what I can o to let er know that I love her and want her and only her.

Answer 1

Forgiveness is acknowledging your mistake and choosing to not do it again. That is what forgiveness is for you. It is saying to yourself you are still a great person even though you made a mistake. If you blew off the final exam in High School and failed it because you were having too much fun and were given another chance to take it, you'd study your butt off and focus on doing a better job next time. Same thing with all of our mistakes and failures. For her forgiveness will mean acknowledging that you made a mistake but it did not destroy her spirit. She has to let go of yesterday and until she does she will keep the pain in her heart. Forgiveness isn't about making someone else feel better about the mistake is about making ourselves feel better despite the mistake. If you have forgiven yourself realize that because she is still with you and living as a wife with you she is trying. Keep your chin up and make sure to always be available to her. Make sure to constantly shower her with how much you love her and be there for her in ways you had not been in the past. This will be reminders to her when the memory comes up that that was you yesterday, not today. Today you are the man who learned from your mistake and you're more faithful in your heart to her now than you have ever been. She'll realize your mistake was actually a blessing because you became a better more attentive man which is what she needed anyway.

Answer 2

You screwed the pooch and she holds all the cards. You made the bed. If she forgives you in time then you will be very fortunate. It could take forever, but the fact is it is up to her. All you can do is your best. Counseling is good to keep in check that she is not using the situation to her advantage.

You cannot take back what you have done, but you can make sure that it never happens again and be the exception to the rule, that once a cheater always a cheater.

Remember, she doesn't have to trust you or forgive you and if you ever get tired of repenting then you haven't learned anything and are just looking to get off the hook.

And remember this; it wasn't a random sexual encounter. You were having a relationship for several months with another person. You betrayed everything and everyone including yourself.

Answer 3

Wow what a doozie. First off, every person heals from things like this in their own time. She can forgive you, but she will never forget...never. I think it is great you guys are seeling counseling as well. Marriages can come through infedilty, but it is hard. I had a friend in the past whose husband cheated on her. That was 4 years ago and they are still together. Things may not ever be the same as before...a huge trust has been broken...vows have been broken. That is alot to recover from.
As far as the sexual activity, maybe she needs the wine or whatever to help loosen her up. She is reminded I am sure everytime she goes to bed with you that you once shared that special intimacy with another woman. What you did was not a one night stand, it was a relationship on many levels other than just sexual I am sure.
The answer to your question is simple...you cannot help her love/trust/ or desire you again. She clearly still loves you or else she would have ended the marriage. She may never trust you completely again, and that is something you need to come to terms with. What you should do there is call when you will be late, let her know where you are..you owe that to her to not allow her to worry if you are out doing it again. As far as desiring you...that again is up to her. Things can move on in your marriage, but on her time frame. She is recovering from quite a blow. She has to be allowed to recover on her own time and there is simply nothing you can do to change that.

Answer 4

There is nothing you can do except wait. The ball is in her court. You cheated and now you must pay the price of not knowing if she will ever trust you again. The fact that she needs a drink to make love to you should tell you how much she is trying to put things back to normal. The drink probably helps her relax and forget that you wanted someone else instead of her. For now all you can do is hope she doesn't decide to do the same, (cheat) so you can feel the pain she feels.

Answer 5

Your remorse is a good thing, but don't for one second start to believe that just because you're sorry and you learned your lesson that that is all you have to suffer over this. This might take years for her to get over and you have to bear it as your punishment for the transgression. Show her how you feel about her by being understanding. Never get pissed about her denying you and you might try soothing her during the act to keep her from thinking about what you did. Speak to her about how much you love her during, don't just do the job and hope for the best. You from now on have to make love with her until she is confident in your marriage. And one day from now, a long time from now, you can hope that you can both have sex together and not have that thought enter into it at all. But until then, suck it up. This is exactly what you deserve.

Answer 6

ummm. This is a tough one. Some people can never get over being cheated on. I think you've worked through it asking for forgivness, admitting to your mistake, doing the church thing...and that's great. You've healed but she hasn't. If she has to resort to drinking to engage w/ you physically...that can't be healthy! I see that you are trying and I respect your efforts but its a matter principle...overlooking, forgotting, forgiving can be very difficult. Every individual deals w/ infidelity differently. Give her time. Also, you screwed up and people make mistakes...nobody is perfect. Howevery that doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life trying to change how she feels or make her respect you. Give her some breathing room...not too much attention.

Answer 7

I hope every man that considers cheating could read your question. I can tell you are sincere. On the other hand. I can't answer too positively.No matter what you do , your marriage will never be the same. It can survive, but is forever changed. Once a person cheats, that bond of trust is so weakened most people simply cannot get past that issue. All I can say is that actions speak louder than words.

Answer 8

Both of you, get to a good marriage counselor. You need help. Don't let this go another day. You still have a very good chance of saving this marriage and falling in love with each other all over again. Keep going to the counselor together until you can feel that things are better than they have ever because you will get to that point.

Answer 9

I feel that you being remorseful and cannot forgive yourself is weighting on her to. I am a Christian and I know that we have the power to bare a heavy cross, and your wife being part of you “meaning that we are one when we marry” Our burtons are the other haft as well. You have to forgive yourself and lift this Burton off your family; God has heard you and has already forgiven you, now it is your turn to go on with your life. You need to free yourself from this past sin, and stop the agony that is weighting on your marriage.

Answer 10

Being away from your family is tough, not excuseing what you did, the lifestyle of being seperated from your wife gets REAL lonley. Like you I worked 'out-of-town for years. I was'nt married but I did have a gf in my hometown. Alot of married guys would be sent to my job-site and to work like you did and some people are just not cut out for this type of life. I can't count how many times I saw this happen. As a superindendent I tried to steer my employs away from what happened to you and your wife, but it dosn't always work. I found out like you did the money made is just not worth what you loose in your personal life. My opinion is if you have apologised to her apologise to yourself and do as Paul wrote Husband love YOUR wife and time will heal your wifes' heart. I really hope the best for you both and will pray for you and your family healing.