Advice, please (Serious)?

Question

know this is unlike me, but I actually have a real dilemma.

My mother is in the hospital and might not make it. She's very confusd (She' suffered a stroke since she's been there) and she has moments where she's fine then the next minute she doesn't now anyone and she's mean and nasty. When she's having her "good" moments, she asks to see my daughter and my daughter has been asking to see her. Knowing she might not ever make it home, I feel like they should see each other one more time, but I'm afraid that we'll show up at a "bad" time and my Mom will say something mean or not know my daughter and it will scare my daughter. What would you guys do? Should I take her and risk it? Or leave it be and risk THAT?

A.) I am not Edna.
B.) The hospital where my mother is at is several hours away.
C.) My daughter is only three. Not old enough to understand why Grandma might start screaming obscenities at her for no reason.
D.) Nurses aren't babysitters. You try asking a nurse to watch your kid for a couple minutes while you look in on your mother and tell me how successful that is.
E.) People who do not have children should not tell others how to parent.

Answer 1

Sorry about your situation. Take her in there. You will always regret if you don't.

Answer 2

Okay, I am coming into this at the end, so, I hope you get this far while reading answers. Let me start off by saying that I do not have kids, and fortunately have never had to be in this situation, so perhaps if I take a more "practical" approach to this it may help. One thing to remember is that our brains are capable of storing long term memories starting around age 2. While she may not be able to give a minute by minute report of the visit at her age, your daughter is capable of retaining even sketchy memories, and will remember ths visit in some capacity. Also, we don't give young children enough credit in my opinion when it comes to their ability to understand things. Sheltering children only convolutes their understanding of delicate situations when they do finally encounter one later in life. Sit her down and talk to her in "3 year old" terms about how grandma is feeling. I know what you mean about the nurses, too. If you are lucky enough to find a hospital that is not grossly understaffed, that's a start, and trying to get someone to keep an eye on her for even a minute is tough if not impossible. If you do happen to catch your mom on a "bad" day, your daughter will not be permanantly traumatized. She may be upset for a little while, and understandably so, but again, at the risk of sounding cold, kids need to learn the natural progression of life and how emotions work, and that life is not always sunshine and rainbows. Conversely, you run the risk of not taking her, and your mom having a good day, and both your daughter and your mom missing out on one final special visit. Remember too that the minds of people who are ill can sometimes be changed by different stimuli, for example, even if your mom is having a bad day, just the sight of her granddaughter may flip some switch in her subconscious that brings out happy emotions. The idea of checking in to see what her mood is once you're there is nice, but if you say the hospital is far away, that doesn't sound very feasible. I say take her, and let what happens, happen. I agree with you as well that people who are not parents should not tell others how to do it, but when you come to a forum like this you know to expect people to respond as if they have all the answers. I wish you and your family the best, and hope you are able to find some guidance in what everyone here had to say. The considerate people anyhow.

Answer 3

I say risk it. Just explain to her about her grandmother's condition, how she might have a bad moment while you are there visiting, preparing her for what might happen. You could even call the hospital ahead of time and ask her nurse how she is doing that day, if it would be a good time to visit.

When my husband was in the hospital before he died, I took our three kids (at the time they were 6, 4 and 2) there to see him. He was in a regular room but was not having a good day. Even though the kids only saw him for a minute and it was not one of his best minutes, I do not regret taking them there. It was the last time they saw him. He died unexpectedly 2 days later.

Every moment with a sick loved one is precious, no matter what that moment holds.

Big hugs to you and your daughter. I am thinking of you.

Oh, and now that I have read how old your daughter is and I read Grassy's suggestion, I agree with him. She more than likely will not remember as she gets older. If Grandma is having a good day, definately take a picture.

And make sure you remember to take care of yourself through all of this. Not to sound like a Mom or anything but be sure to eat and drink plenty of water. I know, I have been there with my late hubby and his illness. (Sorry for the unsolicited advice, didn't mean to offend.)

Answer 4

If your daughter is old enough to understand that Grandma is very sick and sometimes says things she doesn't mean then take her but if she is too young, then don't. Chances are your daughter won't remember if she is very young anyway. Make sure you have prepared your daughter and tell her you are just going to see Grandma for a few minutes -- hopefully in that time things will be ok. It may be worthwhile asking her doctor or nurses about this or find out if she has a consistent time when she is not herself. Good Luck. My mom had a stroke a few years back and I know how hard it is to deal with.

Answer 5

Im so sorry that your going through that. That's gotta be really hard on you. Mabey what I would do is call the facility where your mom is at before you plan on coming and talk to the head nurse or the nurse that is caring for your mom and tell them your situation. They will understand. And ask them if it's ok to come then. If your mom is having a good moment or if she is on one of her mean outbreaks. They can find that out for you before you take your daughter there. Or what you could do is just take your daughter and it kinda depends on how old she is but you could explain to her what is kinda wrong with Grandma and that she is sick and that anything that she might say to you is not your fault, she is just sick. Take her to the facility and let your daughter stand ouside the door and walk into the room where your mom is and see how she is doing first before you take your daughter in there. That might calm things. Well, good luck with everything.

Answer 6

Well if your mother is on her last legs - and this may be the last time you possibly may see her again - I say do it. I know it may not be pleasant but maybe you can explain to your daughter about her grandmother's situation in a way she can understand.

If you see that your mother is irritable while you are there with your daughter - maybe it would be best that you take her out of the room if she gets frightened.

I know if it were my mother - I would just grin and bear it because I know the type of person that she is and would not let anything hinder me from seeing her if I knew it was going to be the last time I did. If a disease or stroke or whatever alters a person's personality, you have to take it with a grain of salt and remember what they were like before and know that it is the disease or ailment and not the person.

Good luck and God bless your family and mother.

Answer 7

How old is your daughter? Try to explain what's going on with your mom. Take your daughter to the hospital and simply wait it out. When you feel that the time is right...take her in to see your Mom. Thats really a tough call. You know your daughter best. It would be nice for her to see her grandmother again. But you don't want her to be left with unpleasant memories. I say take her to see her with a very thorough explanation of what may happen. If the mood gets tense, remove her from the room. I'm real sorry to hear about your Mom.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry for your situation. I had to learn my way around our local hospital this past year, so I understand how awful this is.

The question of whether to bring your daughter really revolves around your daughter's age. Is she old enough that she can handle the risk of seeing your mother in a bad moment? Only you can make that decision, but if she's under 10, it seems pretty tough -- I have a ten-year-old, and he didn't want to see his mom when she was in the hospital this year, all covered with tubes and wires. (Her second trip was easier for him, but he was six months older by then, and more experienced at seeing her in the hospital.)

And if your daughter is under 7, I'd recommend that you ask her to remember the good things about your mother -- talk about their favorite times spent together, the things she remembers most fondly, and other good memories. Talk with her about what's happening -- my own father's advice was always to tell children the truth, but only as much of the truth as they were capable of handling. Talk about how sad she may feel, and work through her grief that way.

And once again... please accept my genuine sympathy for what you're going through now. Do remember to talk with someone about what you're going through -- it's natural and right and good for you to concentrate on your daughter, but you have your own sorrows and stresses, and be sure to take care of them.

Answer 9

First off how old is your daughter? If she is over 9 or older then she would be old enough to explain to her what changes are happening to her grandma and that she may say things she may not mean. On the other hand if your daughter is younger than that I really think you should keep her away,not only will she not understand if the meanness comes out but she will not understand what is happening to her grandmother.Ultimately it is up to you what you do,just keep your child's maturity level in mind.
Good luck,sorry

Answer 10

Hope you got plenty of help from us all. Some good some not so good. Yes there are haters out there Jennifer F. But not taking your daughter would be something that may haunt you more then me. GRASSY had a good idea, take a picture if possible. Then remind her of it later in life. In fact show it to her near Christmas every year until she's grown up enough and give it to her. Tough decision to make.

Answer 11

Jennifer F

Take her to see your mom

Put her on the bed with your Mom and take a picture of them for memory sake

If it is the last get together then your daughter will appreciate it later

Your daughter will not remember the episode without the photo she being only 3.

My earliest memory is about 4 -4.5 years old.

God Bless you all