I made my husband swear to secrecy about an affair his best friend was having.?

Question

I have told him for years that this man was cheating because I heard it from several sources. He said and I quote "you are my wife and my loyalty is with you, not him, I won't tell you told me" Well, he told his friend, and worse yet, the woman he cheated with is now separated from my sisters new boyfriend (confusing huh) and she got blamed for telling. AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME! And to top it all off my husband swears he didn't tell. I already talked to my husbands friend(the cheater) and he said.. yes your husband told me. My husband just totally cursed me out and said he wouldn't lie to me and I was crazy for accusing him.. blah blah blah. I am really ticked.. shouldn't I be!

I told my husband because I should be able to talk with him, I wasn't really gossiping, he was the ONLY person I told it to. It's his best friend and I have said before that I thought he was cheating. My problem is.. he not only told someone outside our marraige a secret we were keeping, he said..."My loyalty is with you" and then.. totally blew up at me for even suggesting it wasn't. And he did betray me, I know he did. And my sister got pulled in and had nothing to do with it. I learned.. you are right. But I wasn't being nosey or I would have told more than just my husband. I don't blabber stuff like that to people I don't trust.. I just trusted the wrong person.

Answer 1

Unfortunate, but you can do one of two things:
1. believe your spouse.
2. believe his friend, and learn a lesson: don't tell hubby anything you don't want repeated. Bad thing about that is: shouldn't you be able to tell your spouse anything??

Answer 2

First of all.. you never should have confided this in him if you were going to expect that he not tell his friend. If you know for a fact that someone is cheating then you have the resonsibility to let their partner know. If you were walking down the street and you saw a person being beat up by someone I would suspect that you would do something about it. Cheating is the same as beating someone up just in an emotional way rather than a physical way. Physical injuries will generally heal whereas emotional scars may never heal. Would you want to know if your husband was cheating on you? Some things have to be done just because they are the right thing to do even when they are not the most popular thing to do. You may not like the fact that he broke a promise to you but he did the right thing. You should respect his decision and love him even more for being the stand-up guy that he is.

Answer 3

Did you tell your husband that his friend told you he told him?

Overall though, the arguement with you and your husband is ridiculous. The people who are cheating are the ones at fault. Not you, not your husband. I cant believe you two are arguing.

So, your sister is dating the boyfriend of the woman your hubbys friend was doin? Thats strange...you all know eachother??
I think you would have been better off by not telling your hubby about this affair to begin with.

Hope you work it out!


PS
Its strange that he is blowing up at you however...even if he DID keep your confidence. I still think you should talk to him..let him know that this cheater friend confirmed that your hubby told him he found out from you. If your husband gets mad at you, ask him why is he mad...
and that you just want him to be honest, unlike all these other people around you.

Answer 4

I'm not sure why everyone is turning this on you and your husband. The friend is the cheating bastard. He needs to stop trying to pin blame on others, and fess up that he got caught and deal with the consiquences. As for your husband not admiting that he is the one that told. I'd just let that one go, I don't think that there is any way for either of you to "win" that argument. If you keep pushing the issue, you're taking the word of a cheater over your own husband. I would just drop the issue and focus on how to deal with this friends lying and deception to his wife.

Answer 5

If you don't want to fight about this forever, let it go. You were both in somebody else's business. Who told whom what first is immaterial compared to the problems the cheating caused the couple involved. I don't really understand the chain of cheater/cheated-on and how your sister is involved, but really: life is too short. If your marriage is sound, take it as a lesson learned and don't deal with other people's dirty laundry in the future.

Also, keep in mind that somebody who would cheat on his wife is probably not a pillar of honesty. Would you really take his word over your husband's?

Answer 6

You know the truth that your husband did tell. Sometimes the thing about secrets is that they are too hard/good to hold. Could be he shared when he was drunk, or maybe really thought the best friend would keep silent.

That is how it is with secrets and with gossip. it is too good not to tell which is why you just had to tell your husband. Don't be mad at him because it is normal human behavior. You just have to learn not to pass it in the first place and realize your husband is weak in secret keeping.

Answer 7

Maybe your husband really did not tell, and the guy is lying about his source. Please do not internalize these people's cheating affairs in to your own marriage. I have learned that it is best to keep quiet when it comes to affairs of the heart by others. It simply is not healthy for all involved to further complicate things.

He clearly stated that his loyalty is to you. I would go with that (provided he has not betrayed your trust in the past).

Reaffirm to him your commitment to the trust in your relationship and let things play out on their own and without your further involvement.

Answer 8

Hank Williams Sr. may have said it best in one of his songs.

"If you mind your own business you'll be busy all the time."

When my wife told me her sister was getting a divorce I laughed. I told her it was about time. I read people fairly well and I had been reading her affairs for years. I told my wife she had been cheating for almost a decade that I was sure of. My wife told me I was crazy. Well after she talked to her sister she came back and told me I was wrong. It seems her sister's bed hopping had started before she had been married a year. That was almost twice as long as I had been sure of it. The point is, during all the time I was certain, I kept my mouth shut and didn't actively investigate. It was not my concern and I recognized that. Maybe you should look/tend to your own problems and stay out of other peoples business.

Answer 9

No. Neither of you was the cheater and neither of you should feel bad because the cheater's bad habits were finally brought to light. The cheater is the one that should feel bad and only likely he said that your hubby was the one that breeched the dirty little secret because misery loves company...consider the source...HE IS A CHEATER! He would lie to a woman he loves; he has no qualms with lying to you. Believe you husband and distance yourself from the cheaters and loser in life as they will only bring you down.

Answer 10

Let's get this straight: you learned from several sources that someone was cheating and you told your husband. Now, you're upset with him for telling someone else? Just like you, your husband is human. You couldn't keep the secret and neither could he. Furthermore, nobody is obligated to tell you anything. Stop trying to control everybody!

Answer 11

You should have mind your own business with situation like this one the best thing to do is stay out of it because for some reason it always back-fires of the person who didn't mind their own business, now you and your husband are fighting over something that isn't even your own problem. I say get over it and just leave it alone. Sometimes other people drama because your drama if you let it!