I cheated on my husband 3 1/2 years ago right after we had our son. (2 months) We separated 1 year after it happened, I got pregnant with our daughter and we got back together. We have been together ever since and I am now 6 1/2 months pregnant with our 3rd kid. He still is having a difficult time letting go. What can I do to help him let go. We tried counseling, but it didnt work. He lets his mind wonder alot and he doesnt know what to do. I have TOTALLY changed my ways and would do ANYTHING for him. I made a huge mistake and I learned from it. He see's my changes, but he just doesnt know what to do to feel better. Any suggestions?
2006-12-20 02:38:41 · 19 answers · asked by need advice badly 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He needs to go to couseling and they will help him get rid of the resentment or the issue he has with forgiving you. You may or maynot need to go with him, but I'm sure at one point they will need to talk to you as well. There will probably be tips on what you can say or do to help him.
Good Luck.
PS: Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow.
2006-12-20 02:45:11 · answer #1 · answered by Wondrin Dude 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
3 1/2 years, huh? Well, hon, betrayal is the deal-buster in a marriage..... marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. You broke his trust, and shared Passion --- your body and soul---with another man. And if he is like most guys, all he sees is you allowing another guy to stick it to you..... guys just don't easily get over that one. The rest of it ---Admiration and Respect ---either blows up in one's face or just slowly erodes away. The rest of your marriage, in his eyes is just slowly eroding away, despite the fact that you have had children since together, and despite the fact that you really are sorry, and wish to show him that.
It is two years in counseling before a damaged marriage can heal, and even then, it will never be the same. You have "scrambled the egg" so to speak. You can make something else with scrambled eggs, but you can't unscramble it. Your marriage can never be what it was, but it can survive. Realize hon, that what you did was worse that reaching into his chest, ripping out his heart, and throwing it at his feet.... he could have survived a gunshot easier....
He, and your marriage could go on like this for many years to come or he may just someday realize that he has had enough of the image and leave, or you enough of trying and leave...
What should you do? If you wish to save your marriage, you guys need to get into therapy....pure and simple.... 3 1/2 years has gone by and he is still not okay. He won't even have a chance to become okay unless you get some help.... worth every dime.
2006-12-20 12:04:07 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something as hurtful as you has done will take lots and lots of time to heal. You have to understand even though you have changed and admit your mistakes, this man is still hurting and it will take some time. What is probably makin it more difficult than anything is the children. Whether you believe it or not, children have alot to do with men holding on to their marriage. I believe he wouldn't have a problem leaving the situation if yall didn't have any children together (those are his children, right?). Yall have already seek counseling and talked amongest yourselves but he still having difficulties. I would say to step back and let this man heal. It is obvious that he is hurt and confused. You need to respect that and just pull away. Reassure him that it is okay to let go. Because even though you may have changed, you still cheated on him and it is obvious that he can't heal from that. Let him go!!!
2006-12-20 11:02:08 · answer #3 · answered by jetta 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people can't ever get over being betrayed. Often it isn't the most recent betrayal, but goes back to feelings from childhood that were reinforced when you cheated on him. All you can really do is hang in there and show him you love him and how much you've changed. Maybe he could try individual counseling. He needs to talk about it with someone besides you.
2006-12-20 10:44:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
trust is a big part of reconciliation, following a betrayal. coming together again can be difficult. when reconciling, both parties must be willing to listen to the other, while moving toward the goal, the goal is to understand each other in regard to the unjust event. some things can never be repaired the way we think they ought to be, because the hurt is too deep, and no amount of compensation can be found to equal the offense. your intentions are important, if u are truly concerned than there must be an outpouring of love toward the injured person. than an angry hurt spouse may attempt to love more and to forgive. set his mind at ease, and let him tell u what he is feeling.
2006-12-20 14:52:09 · answer #5 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am on his end of a similar situation and find it very hard to let go of the infidelity. I have gone to counseling, but find it impossible to let go. Trust is the foundation of a relationship...once you have been cheated on, you may never be able to trust that person 100% again. There are no kids in my situation so that is why after a year and half I am going to file for divorce. It can be emotionally draining to live in this situation.
2006-12-20 10:49:09 · answer #6 · answered by Back in the game... 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Forgiveness comes so much easier that forgetfulness. If he has forgiven you, you are already a step in the right direction, the part of forgetting, well that lies on him. I disagree with the "I'd leave you too" comments, God's word clearly says that he, God, will judge us as we judge others and will forgive with the same measure of forgiveness that we use so, I feel he is wise to forgive you and in time, thru prayer, he will learn to deal with the forgetting part. Pain from lost trust isn't something that you just set aside, and there are 2 forces in this world good and evil and we know who controls these forces so pray to the good and rebuke the evil. The Bibles says that if we rebuke the devil he will flee from us...do that and allow God to correct the rest of it.
2006-12-20 12:36:31 · answer #7 · answered by justbuddy67 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried professional counseling? He's not going to get over it by hashing over the same anger/humiliation over and over. If you two are to stay together, he needs to forgive, forget and make a fresh break.
I think you could use some therapy too, as your infidelity caused this problem. Sure, its easy to say "I've changed now", but how do you know you really have? Plus, you doubtlessly have guilt issues.
2006-12-20 10:56:40 · answer #8 · answered by Jeff W 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Forgiveness is the hardest yet most rewarding action a person can do. He needs to know that HE won't be happy until he can truely forgive you and that it is out of your hands.
He probably feels a little gradification or 'better than you' attitude about you cheating. He thinks he is safe or better because you are the 'bad' one. But we cheat because we are not getting what we want, both men and women do it. If you cheated it means he wasn't giving you what you wanted or needed. He should feel guilty for that too. What you did was wrong, but we all have reasons for our actions.
Tell him he needs to let out what ever it is he is thinking about, regardless of how ugly it is. He has to trust you with his thoughts and not feel ashamed of them. If he can trust you with his deepest darkest secrets, he can forgive you for your flaws too.
2006-12-20 10:55:14 · answer #9 · answered by tightlies 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's what you get for cheating. What do you expect, a reward???
Poping more kids is not going to make him forget about it. Cheating is a men's bigest ego-killer.
You have to accept responsability for your actions and validate his feelings. Pretending that everything is OK is not going to make his pain go away, Denial is not going to make things better and if you keep on wanting things to go back the way they used to be, it won't happen. Something serioushappend and you have to do what it takes to make things work. Nagging about him nor being able to "get over it" is not going to make him heal.
You are lucky to still have him around, but if he has a little bit of dignity and self steem, he'll be looking into finding someone that can keep their legs crossed.
Good luck
2006-12-20 11:00:58 · answer #10 · answered by Blunt 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋