I need some advice...?

Question

met a guy in May and when I did I told him that I had been an exotic dancer (years ago) upfront. He didn't seem to have a big problem with it. A little time went by and he started asking a ton of questions, poking and prodding. After a while of this I also disclosed to him that I had made a few adult movies. He looked them up and watched them (which I find disturbing on it's own-It's one thing to know about it another to view it) That didn't go over well with him.

We had time to go back and forth on the issue and while it bothered him, he did not ever mention leaving me. It seemed par for the course that he would have questions and need some answers but it always just turned into him running me down. I have never in my life been emotionally or psychologically attacked like that.

My father committed suicide in July and in this time he continued to watch the movies. He continued to browbeat be and bait and game me after I told him I think everything had been said on the issue. He was very insensitive to what I might have been going through.

In spite of all this, we married and I am expecting a child.

The problem is he still does it. Not as frequently but it still happens. He's gotten pretty creative on the topics though because he knows that one topic is a red flag for me.

He has criticized EVERYTHING I have ever done and yet he seems totally beyond reproach when it comes to anything. It's like I have no right whatsoever to be upset at anything, when I do get upset of course, I am acting crazy and there's something "wrong" with me.

I helped him move his stuff to my places months ago. He pulled out pictures of ex-girlfriends and wives and then packed them and brought them here anyways. When I asked him last week to get rid of them, they just sat there until last night when I blew a gasket about it. I don't think I'm overreacting, I think he's just selfish and self centered.

At this point the problem is ME--I don't care what he does or doesn't do or say anymore. I find I don't put much stock in what he has to offer. I just want to know how do I take care of myself to avoid getting any more hurt or angry.

What would you do? How would you solve this problem? I really can't go on being angry for what he has done forever and I can't walk around on pins and needles either.

Thanks for all advice.

Answer 1

It seems that he is is a extremely insecure man. His jeaolousy is borderline pathologic, but is his reaction to what he seems not to be able to get over it.

He needs to understand that he has to learn to live with ot for the sake of your marriage and child, but you can get blue in teh face telling him and he won;t, because his ego is bruised and he has low self steem.

The only solution here is marriage conseling. You need to get this argument settled once and for all and he has to learn to cope with it and understand that there is nothing that you or him can do to UNDO the past.

The past is gone, the future is uncertain, and the present is a PRESENT. He can do something about the present and he is messing up both of your lives.

Good luck and congrats on your little one

Answer 2

OK you need to sit down with him and tell straight up how it is going to be. Tell him your past is your past and if he can't get over what you have done then he needs to leave. Tell him the only reason you even told him about your past was so that you guys would have no secrets between you. He probably feels threatened by your past and fears if you were capable of doing what you did in the past you might be capable of doing it again or even worse things in the future. He needs to stop watching the videos that you did because I'm sure that makes him jealous and angry to see you with other people. You probably shouldn't have even told what the name of the movie was so he couldn't look it up. Although he does know all this was in the past and you don't do that anymore he might be disgusted by what you have done and is judging you on it. He needs to leave like I said if he can't deal with it. Even though all this is past our past does have a way of punishing us for years. Ever heard reap what you sow? Your reaping girl. This also will not be good for your child you guys have on the way. If he keeps on belittling you he'll also do in front of your child and the child will then think of you what he does. Just talk to him and get counseling....

Answer 3

I think you need to leave. From what you've told here, it sounds to me like you're in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. He seems like he's deriving some sort of sick pleasure out of making you feel like sh*t about things you've done in your past.

If you're not ready to leave him quite yet, you should sit him down and tell him to shut it, once and for all. Tell him not to bring it up anymore. If he still does and continues to badger you about it, then it's obvious he can't get over it so you should leave. If you're about to have a baby, his BS is the last thing you need. You need to be of the healthiest, most positive mindset right now. Not to mention you need to bring your child into a positive environment. If I was you, I would not want him anywhere near my kid, especially if he insisted on degrading me and being an insenstive jerk. Who's to say he won't do that in front of your child once it's born?

Answer 4

Well, you married him for a reason. You now have a child with him. You have to take these things into consideration and see if its worth fighting for. Marriage is hard work, and it takes two. Have you sat down and had a good heart to heart with him? Maybe you need some time away if your at the point you just dont care, you can have time to think about it and if you miss him when your gone or what. Maybe try some counseling?

Answer 5

If he had such a problem with your past I dont see why you got married. He does seem selfish. Him being the only one getting ma? I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and that you are seriously considering leaving him because of his actions. You know what you did in the Past, he knows what you did in the PAST and shouldn't judge you for it. We all do things we shouldn't but that's part of life. He should treat you alot better than he does. I say talk to him and let him know how much it hurts you. I wish you well.

Answer 6

Well, seems to me you really should have questiioned the wisdom of marrying him BEFORE you went out and married him. I'd tell him that if he continues throwing your past in your face, he will end up loosing you. That gives him a chance to change his ways. As far as his pictures of old girlfriends/wives, it isn't a bad thing that he has these, they are a part of his past. But he should not have them out on display, they should be packed away somewhere.

Answer 7

Get rid of this crazy man now! He will never stop doing it unless he gets some serious help. And he probably won't realize that he needs help until you actually leave him. My boyfriend is this same way sometimes...We broke up once and that made him see that I meant what I said about our situation. It sounds like your guy has some major trust issues that need to be solved.

Answer 8

Do you really think this is the man for you? You should put you and your unborn child first. I'm not saying divorce, but take care of yourself. Sounds like he is trying to hurt you with the pictures, because of your past. Your past may have hurt him (although it is your past) and he just does not know how to handle it.
Good luck!

Answer 9

He can't forgive you. Remember once someone has forgiven you they won't bring up the past. That was a mistake bringing up the past. Certain things are just better off left alone. May be ya'll should try counseling

Answer 10

you two need to sit down and discuss this like adults he must love you enough to marry you and the dancing must not have to much to do with it but maybe you should stop if you are still doing it if you love him then sometimes you have to change things in order to stay happy.