Can you cheer me up with some jokes?

Answer 1

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announced to the congregation that he would not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces,
"If the Rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stand and says, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his two children!!" More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Goldbarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays,
I'll give him SEX!"

There is a hush. The Rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw him."

Answer 2

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Response:

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will slow down before you are 65.
9. You find it difficult to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Here's another.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy
winter nights lying by the fire Candlelight dinners will have me eating
out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from
work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Call [phone] and ask for
Daisy,
I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down










Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Answer 3

Q: What's sad about 3 lawyers driving a Cadillac off a cliff?
A: A Cadillac easily seats 7.

Answer 4

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

Answer 5

The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."

Answer 6

Hands up! This is a robbery. Beauties to the left, oldies and kids to the right, uglies to the center. Hey you, don't pretend to read message on your PC, get to the center!

Answer 7

Knock, Knock,

Who's there,

Nobody.

Answer 8

90% of desiring thoughts to drink alcohol occurrs in sober minds. Try not to be sober.

Answer 9

wat 1 nut said to the other?
this f u c k e r in the mddle thinks hes hard

4 queers in a jauzzi. a condom floats to the surface. 1 queer asks the other 3 Who farted?

what do you tell the "trix rabbit" when he turns gay?
silly rabdit. d i c k s are fo chicks

Answer 10

Yo momma so fat when she turns the world tips to its side and says "oh god help us lord!!!!"


LOVE YOU: Cleopatra