How do I help my boyfriend with his addiction and have him know how much he has truely hurt me?

Question

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has been using heroin for the past 6 months and has a serious problem. It severly affects our relationship and consumes our lives. My life is affected by decisions I do not make, things I do not do, and things I seem to have no control over. He does not live with me, so I cannot be there to look out for him 24/7. Things were not like this, at all when I hooked up with him. He took the wrong path and got stuck in a deep rut. I have tried to help him detox, and have been there for him sooo many times. It is to the point where I am sure he takes me for granted and knows I dont want to leave him. I really do love him so much that words cannot explain. As if I truely did not ever know what love is until I met him. He is an amazing person and I do not have it in my heart to walk away. I know he loves me dearly, but sometimes the way he treats me through his ups and downs is hard to deal with. I am literally the only person he has. I dont know what to do anymore.

Answer 1

I am sure he does love you and I know you love him. So the best thing you can do is WALK AWAY!! Remember he has an illness and is sick. Before you can get back on track he needs to tend to his disease. He needs to check himself in and you can be supportive but do it from a distance. Break it up with him so he knows that he has to work hard to have you back in his life.

All the best to you and too him he has a long, hard, and tough road ahead of him but it must be done if he wants a good life with you and a promising future.

Answer 2

This is a really hard question to answer mostly since I think you already know the answer. Heroin addiction is hard to get over because of the physical dependence that develops. Most addicts cannot last beyond the 2nd day because the pain is so severe and the need to medicate is over whelming. To answer your question, the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. What I mean is you can find support groups in your area such as alanon. Learn what your responsibility is in his addiction that is a good place to start. As for the second part of your question, he may never know how much pain he has caused you or anyone else for that matter. Chances are he will never care either. Once the drugs take over the soul dies and all that matters to an addict is getting high. He will tell you anything you want to hear just to get what he wants. You probably give in with out even knowing that you have been manipulated again. He is no longer the person you fell in love with, I hope for your own sake (and his) you will find a support group for yourself and follow direction. Maybe you will get lucky and he will turn himself around but basically there is nothing you can do to help him, he will need to do the work himself. I know this is a bit long so I will end with offering you best wishes and to place you in my prayers.

Answer 3

No, your life is totaly defined by the decisions you make - you can't blame it on any one else. Loving someone deeply I do understand and I've been that guy, however, you are suffering from co-dependency issues. You do have control over people, places, things, and situations but you're not letting yourself be that person. You may be suffering from low self-esteem at the moment - try Al-anon. If you decide to stay with him, both of you will need help - as for him, he definitly NEEDS treatment or nothing but the worst nightmares will come to pass. Believe me, I am a recovered addict and now an Addiction Counselor. Ask yourself - Is all this extra energy worth your time and effort? If it is, he must go to treatment or move on.....it's a nightmare waiting to explode, the lucky one's live and a lot of them just die.

Answer 4

You need to quit worrying about him and take care of yourself. He obviously isn't taking care of you and his needs are his only focus. He can't love you because he doesn't love himself...if he did, he wouldn't be a drug addict. He needs to get help professionally, you can not give this to him. You really need to think about your life and make some positive decisions for you. Do you really think it is going to get better? Is he making any changes for the better or do all decisions lead to worst decisions? Quit letting yourself believe the lies. He is not the same person that he was when you got together and it doesn't sounds like he has any intention of fixing his mistakes. By being with him, you are supporting his habit and you are making your life miserable. As hard as it is, it really is time to walk away. In your heart, you know this. That is why you posted. Here is your answer. Be free. Live for you. Take care of you. Don't let him continue to destroy you.

Answer 5

Poor thing.

I think that the one thing you need to understand is that HE is not the one hurting you. It's his BEHAVIOR that hurts you--more specifically, it's his drug use that's hurting you.

Unfortunately, you can't talk an addict into seeking help. They've got to be the ones to say they need help. To that end, if you really mean something to him and vice versa, it may be in both your best interests to discontinue the romantic relationship, but remain close friends. He needs all the support he can get right now. Chances are good that his friends and even his family may choose to desert him. It's a lot to handle! But if you can do it, and if he's not harming you physically or emotionally, you can try staying with him as a friend, so that if the day ever comes when he's serious about getting clean, he has someone to help him research his options.

My best to you both.

Answer 6

I know this is going to sound harsh and bad and I am going to get some nasty e-mails over it but I had to answer you.

I was in a simalar situation except for it was my daughter and not my boyfriend. I found out she had problems when she was 13 or 14, I can't remeber which. Anyway, I did every thing I could to save her from herself. I can't count the nights I sat up and cried or the number of times I found her almost dead and had to keep her alive until perametics got here to save her. It was the never ending road that I thought was going to eventually kill me. Without even knowing it, she was controlling every minute of every day. I prayed and begged for help from someone, anyone. My daughter was in and out of pshyc units until she turned 18. Then she turned 18 and I couldn't make her do as she was supposed to any more. She could do as she pleased and there was nothing I could do about it. Not long after she turned 18 she moved out and went to another state. I cryed and I thought my heart would break. I worried about her day and night. Then slowly I began to realize something. I could go to bed at night and not worry, I could go to the store and not have to rush to get back home because she may have done something stupid. Ever so slowly I regained my life and control there of and I started having fun again. Unfortunantly she has not changed and I am now raising her two young children.

What I am trying to tell you is this. In order to get your own life back you have to walk away from this relationship. I know it will hurt and I know how much you will cry, but I also know that slowly you will start to regain your own life and you will move on. I don't love my daughter any less but I just can not live with her. As long as you let him have control over you, he will. It is up to you. I will pray for you.

Answer 7

I suggest you leave him. Make sure someone who can help him knows about his problems, but you have done as much as you can. You need to disconnect from his life, which he cares less about than you do.

You can hope that the shock of losing you will spur him to help himself. In the end, he needs to help himself. If you stay in this relationship he will continue to hurt you and it could become even worse.

He clearly wants his heroin more than he wants you. God bless you for caring and trying so very hard, but the ball is now in his court and if he blows the shot it is his fault, not yours.

If there is any hope for him he will get the message and help himself, but don't hold your breath waiting for this to happen. There are too many good men out there who are not addicted. Find another true love. One who won't hurt you.

Answer 8

You are a truly amazing person. What you possess is something that comes around for him, once or twice in a life time. Its "unconditional love". It's what makes people do the impossible when no one else thinks it can be done, it makes us honest,we try harder, achieve better, comforts our life and gives us hope. Look at all he will have to give up when he finally realizes that he has lost you because you loved him to much to see him kill himself. It's a terrible thing for you to see but there is no easy answer and he must be going thru insane passages. But don't you see, your enabling him, your his crutch and you let him be weak. Not your intention is it, but it's the result. No one can tell you what to do and just saying, "get help" pales in comparison to what you have already done. Just think hard on who the real victim is going to be here. You will do the right thing. I will keep you in my prayers. Conrey

Answer 9

you said it consumes your lives, and it will continue to due so at an every increasing rate until it hits bottom and everything is gone and there is no choice for him to quit. create that bottom now and demand treatment with your help and support, or your gone. if he really loved you, he will get the professional help that he is going to need. it really is the only choice when dealing with something as serious as heroin addiction. the sucess rate of quitting heroin is almost nill without intreatment help.

Answer 10

I had a girlfrend who was in love with a very handsome guy. Then one day he announced her that he had been on heroin for a long time. So she hadn't even guessed about that.
He was really a kind and handsome guy, and he had respect towards her, as he had told her: "This is the reality, I am addicted. I am not worth of you. I can't force you to keep on with me".
She left him. He was even a loyal honest guy, who hadn't want his loved one to perish because of him. She left him even when she realised how much he was loyal and respectful towards her.
That's worse than a disease. Society don't blame diseases, but they condamn that kind of behaviour as a very bad one. That's weakness of character which can lead to other sins.