Am I a cold and a monster?

Question

When my mom died I was devastated. I turned to my wife for support after two weeks of severe depression. She told me that in her culture, they take 3 days to grieve and then suck it up and move on.
No one was left for me to turn too and I had to drop out of school because I could not get adequate care for my son. Slowly, my self-esteem and my world view began to hit rock bottom.
In August of last year my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Ever since she started chemo my life has been uprooted every 2 months or so. Her symptoms worsen and my wife spends most of her time there while my son and I do not see her and I am expected to miss work to make it easier for her to go see her mother and not have to worry about careing for our son.
Now her mom is close to dieing and my wife is devastated. But I feel that she has had almost a year to accept that her mom was dieing. She gave me three days. Should I tell her it is time to accept her mom's passing?

Answer 1

Yes, you need to tell her to accept what is happening, without being a jerk like she was. And I bet she is eating her words by the way. I would remind her of what she said to you, and let her know you have been through it. And although she really wasn't understanding while your mother died, you will be in spite of. I don't think you are cold or a monster at all. You have to be honest with your feelings. I don't know any culture that says you only have 3 days to mourn. I don't care what your race or culture is, grieving is a process. No one just "gets over it." That's not even humanly possible.

Answer 2

I would suggest counseling (try hospice to help take the load off your wife) and being the bigger person. Our mourning rituals have been stripped away from us fairly recently. Those rituals are important in honoring the dead and in healing oneself. Wear black for a year if you want, cry, plant a tree. Don't rub it in your wife's face that's she made a mistake when your mother died and just because she's had a year to accept that death is coming does not make it any less painful and it doesn't lessen the pain that she feels. I don't understand the care issue for your son but I would try some online classes so you can take care of your child and be at home with him at the same time. Cancer is a horrible painful way to die and your wife wanting to be with her mother during this transition is understandable and is her right. You can suggest that she accept the fact that her mother is going to die but don't you dare do what she did to you and place parameters on grieving time. That is not acceptable. I really really can't stress enough the comfort and the relief that hospice can give to your MIL and wife. They focus on palliative care, comfort care. They'll make sure her pain and her nausea is controlled and that will be a blessing for your wife.

Answer 3

You are not cold, and you are not a monster, and your problem goes way deeper than your mom's death (I'm very sorry), and her mom's pending death. You were very, very hurt by the way your wife treated you, and it sounds like she was cold to you and a monster towards you when you were in pain. Now she expects you to stop the world because her mom is dying, and that just makes your pain even worse.

Quite frankly, I would be tempted to tell her that in my culture we treat others the way they treat us, so shut up, suck it up and move on, but what you do depends on where you want your marriage to go from here. It sounds like your relationship with your wife has been severely damaged, and if you want it to get better, you'll have to behave in a way that furthers that goal. Counseling would help.

Or you could say nothing, but just stay away from her emotionally and expect and demand her to resume a normal life the moment her mother passes, especially because your son does need his mom.

There are no easy answers, and I'm trying to say that I can put myself in your position and feel how you feel, and I think the way you were treated by your wife was inexcusable, and I wouldn't blame you for letting her have it.

That's all I can say. It's up to you. I know this is really hard, and I wish you the best.

Answer 4

No. It sounds like you are bitter about the way your wife handled your grief, which is understandable. She was cold and thoughtless because she had not experienced what you were going through firsthand. Now that it is happening to her, she is feeling what you felt. Try to be supportive and help her through this bad time and it may help improve your marriage. If you try to pay her back during this difficult time, it will not make you feel good about yourself, even if you feel some satisfaction from getting a certain revenge on her. Marriages should be more about love and less about keeping score. Do what is right so you can hold your head up and know you are a man of integrity.

Answer 5

Your wife didn't know how devestating it is to lose a parent. I am sure she now regrets how she treated you during your time of loss. You know how hard it is when you lose your mom.

Try to show her the compassion you wish she showed you. Let her spend this time with her Mom because she will never have this chance again. Comfort her after her mother passes and just try to wipe that three day comment out of your mind. Blame it on ignorance.

Answer 6

Oh I would give her the three days of grace she expected you to take. Then I would say is a soft and kind voice that she had her three days and to honor her mothers memory she should follow the ways of her culture and suck it up and move on. I would also throw in the " You've had over a year hun" as well. Make sure your tone is not sarcastic or mean. Tone is everything.

If she looks at you in disbelief, pat her on the back and tell her.. One second thought, I know how horrible that was for me to hear when you said it to me when my dear Mother died so you go ahead and take all the time you need, I will be there for YOU!

Answer 7

HI, Evidently,you&wifey don't share the same level of compassion,but grieving is hard to go through at any phase of it. Sorry to hear about your mom. As your wife grieves about HER own MOM, she shall experience the same pain & suffering, That' makes TWO of YOU, niether she or you will be able to cut your pain in 3 days.Now you must show her the depth of your compassion, together you two will be able to pass through the the phase of pain you both share and help each other to get past it. Stay Blessed You & Family Thank's for sharing! aquarius/purple

Answer 8

you don't have to change who you are. I feel that even though you have some resentment for the way she treated you in your bad times is not the way to go. You can mention it to her to see her reaction but not act the same way she did with you. you can say our child needs you i need you and I thought that in your culture it doesn't take so long to accept someone's death. You know better you know how it feels. Everything you mentioned sounds very upsetting i would be pissed but sometimes we have to show people how to be caring even though she wasn't there for you you are there for her and she will see that. It sounds like you are acaring person and going against that will only bring bitterness to your heart talk it out with her.
best of luck so sorry about everything.

Answer 9

I thank you and your wife to talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel.She needs to spend time with her mom while she can. She should have not told you to get over your mother dieing in 3 days. Sounds like yall need to talk to each other more.

Answer 10

lol no. Technically her ''culture'' is her way so she really couldnt be seen as wrong if that is the case. We cant down people because they are different than us. Im sure she is now understanding how you felt though. No words are necessary at this moment if you love her.