Am I being unreasonable? Please help!!?

Question

My husband and I rarely fight. We were brought up very differently. I was one of several children, and learned to be independant fairly soon. He was only one of a few, had a childhood where he was not allowed to be independant early. We both feel our opinions are the better, and I need other parent's opinions!!

My daughter is almost seven years old. I find it completely acceptable and even necessary in her personal growth, for her to be allowed to bathe unattended (I still wash her hair), and to make her own bed (which is fairly simple... it's a twin daybed). My husband feels that I should take a bath WITH her (as his mother did him until he was like 10) or sit in and bathe her. He thinks she should have her bottom wiped by me when she goes to the bathroom, and he thinks I am responsible for making her bed daily.

I STRONGLY disagree. She is at an age where her independance is not only necessary, but at this level (she's not asked to do chores..), it's perfectly healthy.

Answer 1

You are not being unreasonable and if you bathe with your daughter at this point and anyone finds out about it you're likely to have child protection on your doorstep in a hurry.
Have your hubby talk to some other parents maybe so he gets the idea.

Answer 2

Okay I STRONGLY agree with you. I have four kids ranging in age from 9 down to 3. I think that if at any time I helped my kids take a bath or shower other than the three year old, they would be horrified at me! I think that if your child has diarrhea, that kids can need help in the bathroom but I also think 7 is a little old even for that! I would talk to your husband and just tell him that while you respect his opinion, that you find it unacceptable to continue this behavior. I agree with some of your other responses including asking the pediatrician or another couple to explain this by asking them what they feel is the appropriate age and I also agree that the first time someone else find out that you are bathing with her, social services will be called...so protect your most important asset and tell your husband no more!

Answer 3

Are you serious?? At six years old your child should be able to bath herself, and use the toilet unassisted. You don't want her to enter first grade and be embarrassed because she has to call someone to "wipe her buttocks." ALL children need responsibilities and chores, they may whine and complain about it at first, but it does help them to feel pride in themselves as they look at their accomplishments and it helps them to be more dependable and independent individuals when they grow up. There is no reason why a perfectly healthy six year old shouldn't be allowed to bath herself, if it makes your husband feel better you could volunteer to make sure the water temperature is OK, and she has all the accessories she needs "soap, wash cloth, towel etc" and even volunteer to make sure she gets safely in and out of the tub...(some children may slip when trying to step over the wall of the tub). But other than that, if you've demonstrated to her the proper procedures, your little girl should at this age be more then ready bath and dress herself. Believe it or not children love being a "big kid" and caring for themselves! I know it's hard letting go sometimes, but all children must eventually grow up, and its our responsibility as parents to make sure that happens in a timely manner. P.S. You may not want word to get out there, (especially at school) that you still bath with your "almost seven year old." Child Protection Service is always happy to come snooping around.

Answer 4

okay i know you want answers from a parent but im a kid and i have a good answer for you ...
I was 7 when my parents got divorced my mom was a stay at home mom until then ... i have 3 younger brothers and sisters ... I was 9 when i started to help with chores around the house and I started to grow up fast ... that was the first year my little sister was in school and I would get her up in the mornings and make brkfast and get us off to school .... now here is where i begin to answer your question...
my younger brother is 12 now and back then he was 3 or 4 ... my mom got re-married at that time .. he is the biggest mommas boy you would probably ever meet .... he has been babyed all his life that he has to do no chores and does nothing for himself this aggrivates the Sh!t out of me my youngest brother is 7 and he Bathes himself ... has gone to the bathroom by himself since he was 5 (xccept at night whn its dark) and he gets himself dressed in the mornings and clears his place at the table w/o being asked or told to do any of this .... so your answer is :

your husband reminds me of my 12 yr old mommas boy brother and he needs to realize that your daughter is gonna get older and not WANT ya'lls help ... so let her grow up a bit .... its not like you are asking her to get a job or have her wash all the dishes... so tell your husband that just because his mommy did evrything for him doesn't mean this is the way evry1 else was raised...

xoxo
Emily

Answer 5

OMG He bathed with his mother until he was ten?? That might be a clue as to why he's like this. I can't believe a mother would let her ten year old son bathe with her. It gives me the willies.

Your daughter is old enough to bathe and make her own bed. My son had the same and more things to do at that age. I think it would be wrong for you to wipe her too, she needs to learn that for herself. This question blew me away. I'm sorry but I can't get the image of the bathing issue. It just seems so wrong!

Answer 6

I'm a big believer in independence. My kids were taking showers alone by that age (with supervision for hair washing), definitely wiping their own behinds, and from the time they could walk, helping with toy pickup and room straightening. By 7, they were making their own beds and were also able to fix simple meals, like sandwiches and chips. My kids are all older teens now. They can clean a house as well as anyone, do their own laundry, can cook full meals, and are pretty good at budgeting. Being independent is important. It fosters a positive self-image and builds self esteem.

Answer 7

Your husband had a sick mom. Ewwww. My 6 yr old son, even demands, I knock. My 2 yr old daughter wont even let me stay and watch her potty anymore. My 12 yr old son would go ballilstic if I didn't respect his privacy. All kids need to start learning "life skills" with age appropriate chore, as early as walking starts. Does hubby's mom still wipe his butt or do you? Ask him, how she is going to be able to care for herself at school if you have to keep doing that for her? I would teach my hubby a harsh lesson, as it seems you do everything for him around the house. Go stay with family for the Christmas break, and don't take him. I seriously wonder if he can take care of himself. Then he will understand what you are saying. My husband used to think that since he works outside the home, that I did nothing but stay home and "relax" all day. Whatever, I have three kids. So, I spent a weekend at my best friends house and left him home with the kids, the house and all the BS. He never once said a damn thing again, and believe me, when he gets home now, no matter how hard his day was, he ALWAYS, ask me how my day went first. Good Luck You are right and he is so very wrong.

Answer 8

I think independence is needed and should be taught, but not when it could be harmful. I think the making the bed and wiping her bottom are an obvious yes she can and should. I do think however that she should be supervised as she bathes herself. I just went about folding towels or coming in and out every minute or so , clean the bathroom. Don't make it seem like your watching but I think you should.

Answer 9

Please check with your pediatrician. They can advise you on health issues - and I see a few unhealthy issues with bathing with a child.

It doesn't matter very much how our parents raised us, as that was then and this is now. Many times in the past (long, very long ago) to save water people did bathe together, and sometimes they took baths one after the other, again to save water (so I guess the first one to bathe got warm and clean water. However that is not now, and now we know about contagious germs, (again talk to the pediatrician).

Remember people use to walk to school and to work many, many years ago, and we travel many miles now. So it may help to show each other how things change. This is not to say one is right or wrong, just different ways of thinking.
Raising your child to be responsible and to help with chores especially making her bed and keeping her room nice is a very good work ethic.

Perhaps you two need to negotiate and stop comparing yourselves to your parents. With knowledge from the pediatrician, I hope the two of you can negotiate what is healthy for the child, and also what is healthy for the two of you.

You can argue into eternity about differences, or you can negotiate and try to see each other's point of view. Just saying I understand, and yes I can see you have a point, May I tell you my point of view? - may start the negotiation process so that it's not all or nothing thinking.

So after talking to the pediatrician, or doctor's nurse, talk the results over together. Remember you do have a say as to who you choose to bathe with, and no one really needs to take that choice away from you. You don't tell him who to bathe with, do you? So again, I think it's a matter of opening the lines of communication.
Try to keep your families out of the discussion.

GOD bless us all, always

Answer 10

I believe you are right. My husband told me something like that as well. He basically said that if she does everything for herself, then what good is a mom. I think your husband got a little carried away with that though. Compromise with him and tell him what you can and cannot do, and what you will try to do. My husband's parents chased him around the house to feed him. Then again, there are other times, when he was expected to clean his own shoes, and clothes. So, I think if you word it like this... "I understand that you are saying you want me to be an important part of our daughter's life, however, I am not willing to make her dependant on me. I want to give her something special just from me, but she needs to learn to do some things on her own." I think he will feel understood, yet, open minded.

Answer 11

Well i think you're husband needs a reality check....for one i have a 6 year old girl and if i went to wipe her bottom she'd say ewww mom what are you doing.....thats gross.....they need to be independent.....I help my daughter with washing her hair as its longer.....even my 3 year old is wiping her own bottom after going to the bathroom....I am sure he means well but you are doing a great job if anything i think she could do a chore or two...