Feeling a little blue, Can you tell me a joke or something funny to make me smile?

Question

not feeling to good about myself tonight, what can you do to make me smile?

Answer 1

Ahhh sweetie...I wish I knew this...I would have been over, taken you out to have a good time...chased away your blues...and held you tight until it was gone... :( sorry you had a bad night...

Answer 2

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a Sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...And who are you?" He asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
" WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too Young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen." And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my *** is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
' plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

Answer 3

I told this one the other day

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunk @$$ off the merry-go-round.

Answer 4

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

here is the second joke.
.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Answer 5

I would extend my hand in friendship and call you a smerf !( ya know smerfs are blue !) I'd convince you that a girls day out : lunch, movies & shopping, ( my treat) a walk at the seashore --- would help turn things around . and when you were ready to cry it all out ---you'd trust me, and spill the beans ! And I would listen well to what had gotten to you--- my friend ! :)

Answer 6

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Answer 7

there where 3 guys in a boat ,one was a pastor and the other to i forgot who they where.the preacher got up and said i want to go eat my lunch on the shoar so he got out of the boat and walked across the water the second guy did the same and the 3rd guy thought his most positive thoughts and got out of the boat and fell in the water he did this 3 more times,meanwhile the 2 dudes on the shoar say "think we should tell him where the Rock's are"???

Answer 8

Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?


A: Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Answer 9

two elephants sitting in a bath tub the elephant in front says to the elephant in back says pass me the soap. the elephant in front says not soap its pickles.

Answer 10

Watch this......a girl just posted this site and i laughed my a** off.....It is the cutest thing ever! I hope this helps.

http://www.allfunnypictures.com/pages2/l...