My 15 year old stepson is stealing from us - What would be a natural consequence?

Question

For several months we've noticed little things constantly going missing but couldn't say for sure if we'd misplaced the item ourselves or were imagining things - but it kept happening. Several days ago we noticed that a new large bread knife was missing from the kitchen and a very personal item from our bedroom. During the weekend I also thought the things in my underwear drawer had been rearranged (I didn't say anything to my husband because I thought I HAD to be imagining it!!!). We have his sons every 2nd weekend & holidays - after they left last Sunday, my husband (who was very upset but, again, hopeful that we were wrong) decided to look in their room & found a couple of our very personal items (some which we didn't even know were missing) and a pair of my panties. Now I'm not thinking this is about me personally - I understand that they're just items to enhance a 15 yr old boy's imagination.However, I'm extremely upset that our personal things have been handled & stolen.(con't...

My husband talked to his ex and she said she'd talk to both boys (the youngest is 12) but she didn't think this was a big deal. In the past she's made it clear that it is more important to be the kids' friend than a parent. My husband hates conflict & always has an underlying worry that his kids won't want to visit him if he's tough with them. I do understand this. But... This is unacceptable. My husband says he refuses to put locks on door within our own home. So... my question is... as a stepmom what can I do about this. I strongly believe that there needs to be a serious consequence and, as a first step, I'd like my son to take responsibility for his actions but he's insisting it wasn't him. I've read parenting & step-parenting books, I've worked with troubled kids, I've made it through my own kids' adolescence - But I truly am at a loss as to how to handle this one. AND, we're next scheduled to have the kids on Christmas day. Any serious suggestions deeply appreciated?

Answer 1

Sorry about your troubles. I,too,have a stepson who steals from myself and my husband,and has been arrested for stealing from a gas station. We asked why,his answer was "I don't know". Typical from a teenager. We've even taken him to visit the local jail so he can see how thieves live behind bars. He came out laughing,thinking it was a joke that they were dumb enough to get caught.(Had to remind him he was caught too,but luckily for him a juvenile and judge felt sorry for him). I don't have the perfect answer,but I do know if something isn't done about it now,he will continue to steal from you and others. If he thinks he's getting away with it,why would he stop? You have to show him it's unacceptable and give him a consequence you and your husband agree on. As for mom, if she wants to allow him to steal from her,or refuses to take this seriously,that is her problem. The very least you can do is make sure the kids know in YOUR home,this isn't going to be tolerated. Dad has to be tough on this one. Let him off the hook now,and he'll be arrested before he's 16 for stealing something else. Your husband has to get over feeling bad for being a good parent and disciplining the children. What is he teaching them by turning a blind eye? Disciplining is tough on everyone,but without it,the kids will run wild and have no respect for others,or themselves. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know in your own mind,but,it's up to your husband to be a dad,not a friend right now. Friendship comes after the children are grown and old enough to appreciate what good parents they had. Right now,it's time to be firm and set boundaries and instill values, and also to be firm on consequences if the rules are broken.
Good luck dear. It ain't easy!

Answer 2

I think a bigger question is "why is he stealing". Is he just barrowing? Was he set up? You definately shouldn't have to put locks on things, that's going too far. He is at an age where sex interests him so he might be exploring, and this whole "you need to be a friend, not a parent" will not work! He needs to respect you as an authority figure. It's a fact that children will not feel safe if there are no boundries, and he needs to know where those bounderies are. You should definately let him know that you know and maybe find out why, and then see if there is anything you can help him with. Maybe he is having sexuality issues and he is embarrassed or maybe he's having trouble connecting with girls. This is where his dad should step in and have that father/son talk. If you think he may be taking things to sell for money, hopefully there is no drug addiction issues. But maybe your husband can start prepping him for the work force, teach him about getting a job and work ethics.

Answer 3

Group home!!! If his father loves him and wants help for him he needs counselling and I think it should happen at a place that deals with troubled kids. My brother was the same way he did all of the above and even but the cat in the fridge. Sound funny but the poor thing was scratching up everything inside trying to get out and my mother had to go get all new food and she just did shopping. He also took $300 and gave it to his friends. We went to a group home out of town at a farm so he had no where to run and had an interview and asked loads of questions my brother was there as well. He agreed to go and after 6 months he was a total different kid. He stayed there for a year and a half. It was the best think my mother ever did, she felt so guilty but it was the right think to do. Not just for the family but for him. He is an adult now and is far from perfect but I would hate to see how he would be without the help he received. I know what you are going through and it is not easy to deal with a teenager like that. I hope your situation get better it is a very stressful situation and can affect your relationship if something doesn't change. Best of luck

Answer 4

You and your husband must sit the boys down and have a talk with them. Are you sure it's both or only one? It is possible one is telling the truth. I agree with your hubby though about not wanting to put locks in my own home, but if you can't trust them, I would go for the locks. (I had the same trouble with 2 of my nephews and one of them stole a gun from me. Thank GOD it had no dire consequences). They lied for yrs. about it too, even when I had concrete proof. I quit having them out here till they grew up and started appreciating what I had done for them over the yrs. I can now trust them. (Thank GOD again) there must be some consequences or it will continue. Do they steal from real mom or anyone else or haven't they got caught yet? Stealing is wrong, and they must disrespect their dad a lot to steal from him too. Maybe they are jealous because of new marriage and relationship. Could be wanting MORE attention. Negative better than none. I wish you luck with this one. May God Bless

Answer 5

1. First of all, your husband needs to act like a mature adult. A mature adult sometimes has to do things they don't like because they are necessary -- such as confronting his thieving sons.
2. One way to handle this particular situation is to totally embarrass the boy with the panty situation by being very upfront and open about it. "WHY did you steal my panties? Were you using them to masturbate? Or were you just rubbing them around your face?" I can guarantee you that he will be so freaked out, he'll probably never touch your stuff again.
3. Consequences: Make them pay for new belongings (I'm sure you're not planning on wearing those panties again, are you?). And insist that they can now no longer be alone for any time other than to go to the bathroom or to sleep. This is a natural consequence -- they have proven untrustworthy so they will now not be trusted.

Answer 6

if i was you and your husband talk to the boys mother and see if anything there is missing. then all of you confront him about this, he probably thinks hes getting away with it. because he never got caught. and from now on when they come over lock your bedroom door. but i would seriously talk to him and tell him that it is not right to steal from you or anyone else, ask him if he would like it if someone took something from him that he likes. have him pay you back. and tell your husband to tell him that he loves him, but is very dissappointed in him for what he has dones. and that he now has to prove to all of you that you can trust in him again. and they also have school for theft. find out if there is one out there for you and see if you can get him into one. My son had to go . and it helped him alot. good luck.

Answer 7

WOW!
This kid sounds like he needs some help! You and both his parents need to sit down with him and find out why he is doing this.
My mom had this problem with her step-children. She ended up putting cameras throughout the house to catch him. It stopped him for a while, but was not a longterm solution.
Good luck!

Answer 8

well a natural consequence would be something of his goes missing, he steals money from your purse, you take his pocket money or his tv or his computer. show him how it feels.

another thing you can do is ask for a police officer to show him around the local prison cells, not arrest him, just ask for him to be shown what they are like. and tell him if he keeps stealing he will end up in their.

personaly i dont think he is to old to have dad smack him on the backside, but each to their own you may not agree with that but certanly give the other two ideas a try

Answer 9

You need to (you and your husband) sit him down and explain to him that you found your missing items in his bedroom. So he knows that he can't lie about it. Also explain to him that if he has any questions that you and his Dad are both open to talk to, and maybe he will settle down some knowing that he has someone to answer his wandering mind.

Answer 10

ground him and lock every thing of urs and ur husbends stuff up so while ur gone from the house he cant steal from u or send him to his real mothers and tell her about him stealing from his father or send him to a boys home for awhile till he says sorry and wont steal stuff from u guys anymore