I am in a dilemma?

Question

I have an alost 7 yr old step son and his mother is a total loss...but she decided that she wants to come for christmas. (The last time he seen her was last christmas.) I am totally upset because for 5 yrs now I have done it all from potty train and go to his first day of school. I want him to have his mom but I just feel pushed out here.My husband just rolls over and plays dead when It comes to her..and I am pretty sure that she will come and stay at our house...because neither of us trust her. I love the boy with all my heart and I am trying to be a grownup about it, but I am having a baby in about three weeks and I am stressed and emotional.
My husband says I am acting like a physcho and I most likely am...I am just getting tired of it. She acts like she should get the mother of the year award for showing up once a year...no child support just christmas presents..and she brings them for our three year old too....like that's going to help. Am I over reacting? HELP!!!!

She has already came and stayed twice she is living in another state...and it's better than her taking of with him to a meth house right??
I know it's my husbands doing but see I am the one that does all the parenting pretty much and she comes and it's like Disneyland is at our hose for 2 days then leaves and once again I am left with all the parenting!!!

Answer 1

I don't think you are overreacting. You have every right to feel unappreciated and stressed. However, your stepson will probably always feel a need to know his biological mother...even if you can predict the outcome from 100 miles away. She may get to visit twice a year, bring a few gifts, a few laughs, etc for those few hours she spends with him. However, YOU are the one who gets to see every single smile, every single giggle, every single tear, and every single heartbreak he has and will experience. Your payment as a mom (and yes, you are his mother), doesn't come now...it comes 20-30 years from now when he is a bright, productive young man because he had you guiding him...not her.

It's hard to see it now, but you've really got the good end of the deal and she is just one of his "buddies" that will never know what you do. So I say, let her come! Let them have a good ole time and you just rest easy with the thought that, although he will no doubt want to have a relationship with her, YOU'RE his mom. Good Luck!

Answer 2

First of all it is his son from an earlier marriage, so your husband is the one that REALLY should be dealing with the ex when it comes to the son. Nothing says you cannot pitch in and help. If neither one of you feel you can trust her then dont leave the room when she is visiting the boy.. As far as her staying at your house for the night---not a good idea. Maybe down the road at a nearby hotel. Just keep your cool, things will work out, but remember it is your HUSBANDS doing , not yours.

Answer 3

No, you are not over-reacting! My mom left me & my Dad when I was not even 2 years old. My Dad re-married a woman who basically raised me while I had visitation with my biological mom on weekends. My real mom was of course the *cool* parent because she didn't discipline me and took me to fun places and bought me nice presents. Unfortunately my step-mom was a total nightmare and I longed for my real mom to take me away from that situtation and raise me. It hurt that she was only half a parent and then she moved to St Thomas USVI when I was 15 - & we lost contact... For years I longed to find her and when I finally did at 30 I was ready for some big change in my life, for my world to be complete. But that didn't happen - oh, she was sweet and happy to see me and loving and all that, but so much time had passed between us that there was no mother-daughter bond. Oddly, I feel as if my stepmom was the REAL mom because she was actually there for all of those things you are there for with your step-child. My real mom tells me how proud she is of me and I think "no thanks to you!!"

At 37 we now have a *good* relationship, but we have different feelings towards each other and I am dealing...

You should put your foot down about what makes you feel uncomfortable - esp having her stay with you. It would be different if you had a nice relationship with her sharing the responsibility of the childcare and child rearing - but you don't! It's time to be honest and lay down the law - she needs to know that she has no right to come just once a year and disrupt her son's life. It's confusing for him to have her around for such a short period of time - he may be feeling a sense of loss when she leaves, and that's like being abandoned over and over again. Regardless of whether it's the Holiday's - it's your house and you have the control. She needs to find a hotel to stay at - come by on Christmas Day for dinner or whatever and then bye-bye! And have agood talk with her about just coming into your "son's" life and then leaving again - it sucks let me tell you! It was a pattern I knew well and I hated it...

YOU ARE HIS MOM.... She was the egg donor... seriously... When he is older - maybe in his late teens, he may be able to see things differently and maybe he'll want to see her, and you have to let him go. I promise you he will more than likely have no interest in her until he's out of the house and experiencing life for his own. My parents totally supported me when I wanted to find my mom at age 18 or 19. But it wasn't until I was 30 & found her that I was able to handle my feelings about the abandonment.

Also, having your own baby is probably bringing out a protective side in you - understandable. Live your life, let her come over for a day and drop off her silly gifts, and bid her farewell. She is a non-parent and your son is better off without her...

Good luck - e-mail me if you want...

Answer 4

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I waould be irritated too. Has "mom" signed off her rights as a "mom" to your step son? Is there any way you could or would be willing addopt your stepson. It sounds like you are the primary care giver and that your hubby is very unwilling to deal with his Ex. It is very easy to think that you are over reacting when you are pregnant, but your are so sensitive to all of your surroundings that they impact you that much more. While you have your hormones, use them to your advantage. You can always use your hormones and lack of comfortable sleep as an excuse after the holidays. But if you haven't already ( this is easier said then done), tell her how you feel. That you don't appriciate her coming into his life once or twice a year. If she is going to be a part of his life, then she needs to reevaluate her life and the changes nesseccary to make him a part of that life, if not then she can call or write, but the visits are too hard and confussing for your step son.

Good luck

Answer 5

I am a male who has raised my stepson since he was 4 (he's now going on 18). The father has only paid what child support the court forced him to and that's only been with license suspensions, etc. He never cared enough to send a Xmas or birthday card or even try to get visitation.
When our son turned 13, he was curious about who his biological father was. He knew who he was, but didn't know him. My wife and I had discussed the fact that eventually, this would happen; my wife didn't believe it would but I have an adopted brother and knew better.
Early on, I made it a point that we would not talk badly about him in front of our son. As a child of divorced parents, I know what that feels like, and it causes real harm mentally.
Anyway, our son got the chance to go and live with his father, and within a month, he wanted to run away. He has been with us ever since and has never mentioned him again except in passing.
I know that it's hard for you to have to accept the responsibility, but for the child's sake, do it. Your husband "plays dead" with her because God only knows what he went through with her when they were together. He divorced her because he couldn't deal with it anymore. It's not fair to you, but that's the way it is.
I, personally, would make her stay in a hotel and just come for dinner or whatever, and then leave. You are under no obligation to house her, even with the child involved.
If your son gets upset, then talk him through it, but definitely take it up with her later, and hold her accountable for his feelings. Put her on the spot and tell her that this tiny bit of time with him is not enough and it hurts him.
Also, as far as bringing your kids presents, you can tell her, that maybe she could start using that same money for her kid instead of yours. Spend more time with him instead of trying to buy his love and devotion.
Whatever solution you come to, please don't let it interfere with the child's mental health. He is the one who has the most to lose here, not you or her.
Good luck!!!

Answer 6

I know this has to be extremely hard to go through, especially being pregnant! I grew up in a similar situation. My stepmom married my dad when I was four and they had custody of me, so I pretty much looked to her as my mom. No matter how often my real mother didn't call, write, visit, I still always held hope in my heart for her to. When I did see her (very seldomly) the whole world stopped! Looking back, I know this hurt my stepmom. As I grew older, I saw everything my stepmom did, and mom didn't that there really was no comparison. I know he will see this, it just takes time. Just realize how much it hurts him inside, the rejection is awful, love and support him and when he gets older he will love and appreciate you more than you can imagine. It is people like you that open your arms to help make a difference in childrens lives. Keep up the good work and hang in there.

Answer 7

TRUST ME your son will see the difference. I went through this also. I had some very rough times. But in the long run, the child will see what kind of a mother his birth mother is, and will compare her to the mother he has who raised him. It is hard at first because he is young and only wants to know his birth mother. As he matures, things will change. If you make it difficult for him to see her, you will be the bad person to him, the rest of his life. He will blame not having his birth mother as your fault. Any thing you say bad about her to him, will be remembered forever and held against you. The hardest thing I ever did was let my son go stay over the weekend with his long lost "dad". He was soooo happy to come home. So let them be, bite your tongue, for your childrens sake and yours too. In the long run , you will win. Did you know your mother?

Answer 8

It would be wrong if you wanted to prevent the mother from seeing her son. Although It is apparent that she does very little for him, that will be understood in time, but until then ... you will have to do the Christian like thing and just love and support your family.. unfortunately, when marrying a man with a child... you now have a larger family.. which includes her.

I only say this because I come from a similar household... my stepfather has raised my brothers and myself without any assistance from my real father. Unfortunately, when my father [crack and heroin infested ] after nearly 11 years decided to come back in our lives.. he suggested us to show him support... after a while we spent many weekends without my step father... it left him jealous, confused and a little resentful. I mean, after all he was the person who had stuck beside us for all these years... who is this man to divide his family..??

All the same, after many, many lessons, our desire was to no longer have our real father in our lives.. and although my step-father wished for that outcome all along, had he acted upon his feeling, we would have been resentful towards him. Unfortunately, there is always a bond between real parents and children... always answers that we want to know...

but after we realize that their (real parents) misfortunes have nothing to do with us.. we move on.. it just takes time.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

im going thruogh similar situation my 15 yr old stepsons mom came back after 15 years and now i to feel left out but what i do is just let her see him i feel if i dont he will soon resent me and if i do he will soon see her for what she really is and come to me his real mom as for her staying there put your foot down no way would i let my husband ex wife stay at my house let her come for the day but good bye after that