Does anyone know any good funny jokes?

Answer 1

A midget soothsayer robs a bank and gets away. The news headline the next day reads, "Small Medium at Large"

Answer 2

A ventriliquist is onstage in a club telling blonde jokes. A blonde at the bar hollers " You`ve got a lot of nerve putting down blondes, you should have more respect" The ventriliquist says " Well I`m sorry maam, I didn`t mean to offend anyone" The blonde shoots back " You stay out of this, I`m talking to the dummy !"

Know how a blonde turns out the light after making love ?
She closes the car door.



P.S. sorry if they're lame, just wanted to get two pts

Answer 3

What about this one:
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York city,where a woman may go to choose a husband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates :
you may visit this store only once!!!There are six floors and the value of the products increace as the shopper ascends the flights.The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,or may choose to go up to the next floor,but you can't go back down except to exit the building!
so,a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

the third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs,love kids,and are extremely good looking.
"wow,"she thinks,but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs,love kids,are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"oh,mercy me!"she exclaims,"I can hardly stand it!"still,she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs,love kids,are drop-dead gorgeous,help with housework,and have a strong romantic streak.

she is so tempted to stay,but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges,the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives thet love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

hope you like it........

Answer 4

Here's one for you that I posted a little while ago. Be warned, it's a bit vile:

There's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs."

Here's another one for you:

There are two guys sitting at a bar, the first guy turns to the second and says:"Hey buddy, I f*cked your mom."
The bar goes silent, and everyone turns toward the two men to see what is going to happen.
Once again the first man says:"I f*cked your mom."
The second man turns and replies:"Shut up Dad, you're drunk."

Answer 5

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Answer 6

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him why he has a long face.

Answer 7

This guy goes to work Monday morning and both of his eyes are blacked.

Aas he walk's into the office, his boss looked at him and said, "wow George how did you get the black eyes?"

George said "well its like this, I was walking up some steps yesterday and this pretty woman was walking in front of me and I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt. Well, being the gentleman I am, I just reached up and pulled it out."

His boss said "well that explains one black eye, how did you get the other one?"

George said, "well I assumed she wanted it that way, so I reached up with my finger and poked it back in."

Answer 8

a man from middle east was pithing in the w.c and beside him a man from Europe,the 1st asked the 2ND one...is Ur dick new one?he told him no I've been using it for about 40 years in hard work but why u r asking?he told him that Ur dick is white but mine is black so i thought that u haven't used it yet.
hahahahhahahahahahah

Answer 9

Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted

Answer 10

why does scrooge love the reindeer so much?

because every buck is dear to him... Happy Hollidays!!