My hubbys grandmother died, and the funeral is Thursday. We have to travel 150 miles. My hubby's parents are divorced, and this is his mom's mom. His father, however, stayed very closed with that side of the family, and they opened their homes to him on many occasions.
However, my hubbys dad refuses to go to the funeral. His excuse is that 20+ years ago, no one came to "his" mothers funeral, so why should he go to this one? Now, you have to understand, the family from out of state barely knew his mom, and probably only met her 10 times over the course of 30 years. Whereas my my father in law had a LOT of contact with the out of state family.
I think this is soooo disrespectful. Both to the deceased, to her family, and especially to his two sons (my huuby and his bro). If nothing else, he should be there for them.
Am I wrong?
I am banning Christmas Eve at their house. I refuse to go. This shows nothing but disrespect, and I can't pretend I am not offended!
2006-12-19 04:29:01 · 14 answers · asked by nottashygirl 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
I totally agree with your analogy of this situation. My wife passed away 3 years ago, and my siblings and my own mother did not come to the funeral or even send flowers or a sympathy card. So I know more than you can feel in this situation.
However by banning Christmas Eve will not help the situation. I think it is really sad that your father-in-law is acting this way, as did my family, but you nor I can control anyone. You need to move on, open up for Christmas. Love is too important not to keep when you have it, and once you loose it, it is very difficult ever to get back to where you started.
Good Luck.
2006-12-19 04:44:36 · answer #1 · answered by Midwest guy 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I certainly understand where you're coming from. And I can't say I necessarily disagree with you. It would be a show of respect to go and pay last respects to a woman who has shown your father-in-law much generosity and kindness over the years. In addition, it IS a little childish to hold a grudge of "I won't go to your family's funeral because you didn't come to MY family's funeral." - there are bigger problems in the world.
However, at the end of the day, the decision rests with your father in law. If he doesn't feel comfortable attending, or chooses not to, well, that's his choice.
As for you banning Christmas Eve, again, that choice rests with you. Personally, I think it's as childish as his reason for not wanting to attend services. It's not going to prove anything, and it's not going to solve anything. It's Christmas. It's a time for being around the people that you love the most. And loving someone means that you love them, regardless of how happy you are with their actions.
Good luck.
2006-12-19 06:37:09 · answer #2 · answered by sylvia 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His relationship with the deceased is his own business, even if he is being petty and resentful about the lack of attendance to his mom's funeral. Funerals, ultimately, are about comforting the survivors, not just honoring the deceased.
Try to take the high road. Talk with him and let him know that his presence and support would mean a lot to your husband and brother-in-law, and also to you. Ask him to attend to lend support to the people who have been his friends for many years. Keep it positive, and maybe he'll stop focusing on just his own needs.
Refusing to attend Christmas Eve at his house simply continues the battle, instead of bringing peace to the family turmoil. If you refuse to attend, the rest of your family has the right to attend without you, and then you are the only person to lose by it. In the spirit of Christmas, try to make amends with him and be civil to someone who has disappointed you greatly.
2006-12-19 06:33:15 · answer #3 · answered by teresathegreat 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, you just put your foot down and ban Christmas Eve at his house, then you can pull up your panties and go home!!! You are acting just like he is, childish and immature. You attend funerals not because you necessarily knew the deceased but because you want to show your respect to the person that you know that was left to grieve. You cannot make him go to the funeral but you can make it easier on your husband by not acting like a child and banning Christmas Eve. You can politely and respectfully tell your father-in-law, in private, that you are upset with him for not attending the funeral if for no other reason but to support his son, then let it go...... you cannot change people or force them to do something just because you think it is the right thing to do.
2006-12-19 04:43:21 · answer #4 · answered by Scooter Girl 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it pretty childish to hold a 20 yr grudge over a funeral attendance. But we all have our own feelings. I would make my feelings known, but I would not start a whole new grudge to carry on as a burden just to get back at him. Are you also going to refuse to attend his funeral? Yes, he should be there for the family, but that is his thing to deal with. Don't compound it by banning Christmas. How disrespectful is that for your family. Someone has got to be the bigger person.
That is why I always tell people to treat me good in life & I wont even miss you at my funeral. Absolutely no disrespect meant, but, I have the feelling that your husbands grandmother wont either.
2006-12-19 04:54:30 · answer #5 · answered by ricks 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you feel very strongly about this. It is a very sensitive subject for some people. My grandmother (mom's mom) passed away and my parents are divorced, but my father still came to my grandmothers funeral because regardless of what happened in the past, he wanted to pay tribute to her. Two wrongs don't make a right dear, and if you ban Christmas, it will not make things better. Try to understand where he is coming from and show him you are the bigger person. I'm sure if you talk to him afterwards, he may surprise you as to his real feelings about it.
2006-12-19 04:45:27 · answer #6 · answered by Alisha S 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, how does you husband feel? Maybe your husband and you should tell his father that this is creating hurt feelings, but keep in mind that everyone deal with things differently. The biggest thing to remember is that if he doesn't want to be there, he wont really bring any comfort to the family, anyway.
Lastly, please re-think Christmas. You may someday find out that he had a real reason.
I hope things work out. I am sorry for your loss, especially during the Holiday Season.
2006-12-19 04:47:48 · answer #7 · answered by Saph 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People feel slighted for the smallest things some times. It doesn't serve to make an already difficult situation even more so. I would just go to Christmas Eve and make sure he knew what a wonderful tribute to a wonderful woman, he missed, and express your feelings that it was a shame he missed it, given he was taken in by the family.
2006-12-19 04:42:26 · answer #8 · answered by Nedsgirl 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lets look at this from another angle, you are asking someone to go their x-in-law's funeral. While it may be a nice gesture its totaly not required. In fact in many cultures its frowned upon. Ask him to send flowers or a food platter. This way you don't feel like he didn't participate in the funeral, and he can believe that he got the better end of the deal.
Not going to their X-Mas party seems to send the wrong message and its just not in the holiday spirit. Either way I hope that this works itself out for you, many condolences to you and your extended family.
2006-12-19 06:28:02 · answer #9 · answered by Jack 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say this, but your father-in-law is a grown man, and is responsible for the consequences of his actions alone. If he doesn't go,despite the fact that he retained close ties to your husband's grandmother, then that's his cross to bear.
I hear your outrage, but don't stoop to his level with Christmas eve. Two wrongs don't make a right.
2006-12-19 05:56:32 · answer #10 · answered by Pask 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋