Am I justified in my treatment of my crazy mother?

Question

I'm a 29 year-old woman (pregnant at the moment), married to a wonderful husband and am currently living abroad. I have a crazy mother who's here right now to help me at this time and to forget her troubles with my father (who had a one-night stand w/ a hooker 3 years ago). The problem is, she continues to talk about the problem until now, eventhough my father didn't leave us and continues to support our family and tries to change his "ways" (read: being a bit frisky). She and my dad already went to counseling and she's taking medicine for the pain and depression. Here's the trick: she sometimes refuses to take the medication because she wants to "remember" the hurt so she feels "alive". She recently got jealous of the household help, because my father was getting "touchy feely" with her, but my crazy mom refuses to fire the maid! And to top it all off, she blames us (her children) of not being able to "change our father's ways". Now, I refuse to speak to her. Is this okay?

FYI, there is no reasoning with my mother. If you don't say the answer she's expecting, she goes ballistic and starts arguing with you. Case in point, we keep telling her we cannot change our father and all we can do is talk to him. She sees this as our taking our father's side and tells us we're ungrateful of all the sacrifices she's done. It's like she lives in a world of her own where "SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT". She argued this point to me at a public restaurant and she made a scene. The next day, my husband asked me to just say sorry to her since she was in pain. I humbled myself and did just that. But because of the emotional toll on me, I bled and had to go to the hospital. I thought she'd change but after that, she brought on another problem (our financial situation with the baby). Again she argued with me and was in this "controlling" mode where what she had to say had to be done! I'm afraid of bleeding again, and I don't know if I want my baby to be around her...

Answer 1

You and your siblings have nothing to do with the choices that yours or anyone elses parents make. I too come from a family that found it easier to blame their children for their mistakes. In my case, my mother found herself pregnant in the 1960's and finally pinned it on my father or at least the man that she convinced that it was his. The time lines are impossible that I am his biologically, however, all of my life I was blamed and abused because she was afraid that someone would learn of her lies.

You sometimes have to come to a point in your life that you either live with the damage that toxic people can cause or get rid of what is toxic. Only you can determine what is harmful to you and your family that you have now created. Your mother sounds like she enjoys being a victim. I do not know your whole story, however she goes off her meds to feel the pain, will not fire a person that she thinks your father is too touchy feely with, a man that had an admitted affair albeit with a prostitute. These things point to a person that gets 'something' from being in the victim role.

All you can do is set boundaries for yourself. Explain those boundaries to your mother and stick by them. She will try to break down these boundaries and cross over them but you must demand that she stay behind them. They may be as simple as she can not discuss her marital problems with you. If she continues to cross these boundaries you must determine if they are a no mans zone so to speak, an area that under no circumstances with an invasion be tolerated.

If it is indeed one of these areas and she can not respect your boundaries then you must do whatever it takes to keep yourself, your child and your husband safe both emotionally or physically. Toxic people can destroy good relationships if we give them the power to do so. Unfortunately I had to break off all contact with my family. Of course there is a lot more to the story than I have stated here but after a decade of therapy I came to realize that I continually gave my power to people that did not care for my well being and infact were a detriment to it.

I wish you all of the happiness that you so richly deserve and it you want to talk further I have all of my information listed to get intouch with me. Good luck, congradulations and God Bless.

Answer 2

Hello... =)

For the short term, yes, not speaking to your mother may be the best thing for her. It is important to make her realize that this issue does not give her license to destroy everyone's lives. But remember that you are doing this for HER, and not for yourself. If this tactic doesn't seem to work, you'll have to abandon it, because you owe a debt of compassion to your mother, if nothing else. Compassion in this case would mean that you really want her to stop being so miserable, and stop making "pain" the center of her life.

See how things go, but consider taking further steps, like forcing her to seek therapy, if she doesn't improve on her own, or happens to get worse. Considering that you have a new child on the way, you also owe it a debt of compassion, and you do not want to expose a child to a person with such bizarre feelings either.

Find a solution that puts everyone else's well-being first, and you will never look at it with regret.

Namaste,

--Tom

Answer 3

There's a lot going on here and you are justified in being concerned about the whole situation. So here's what you gotta do.

STOP participating in her arguments !!! It takes 2 to argue and the more you say, or the more emotion you show, the more it feeds into her. YOu gotta take charge of conversation when she starts on a subject you don't want to discuss. If she continues to persist on that subject, leave, change the subject, tell her you arent' discussing it, and finally, IGNORE HER.

Be compassionate, age affects men and women as we get older, and she has been traumatized. But you have to stop enabling her.

Good Luck

Answer 4

I guess no one can actually tell you it's okay not to speak to your mother. My mother have the same hangups about my father spanning a thirty five year period and eveytime she starts at the beginning. I left home 10 yrs ago and had very little and basic contact with all of my family.

Only this year when I was about to have my baby did i reunite. its not easy going and there are times that she starts but all i do is say 'mummy, i do not need to hear it again. please let go of all the hurt. at this point the only person really hurting is you. everbody else has already or is trying to move on.'

she is afraid to let go of the hurt because that may mean she is vulnerable once again. it is a touchy situation because no one can promise that she will never be hurt again.

Answer 5

I think that you are totally justified in this action. You are pregnant right now the last thing that you need is stress because your mother is crazy. She needs to get some constant help. Psych ward maybe. This is supposed to be one of your most joyous times. Being pregnant you should not have to deal with the stress of taking care of your mother and yourself. This is a time when you and your mother should grow closer and her telling you about when she was pregnant and she should be with you helping not harming and if she can't do that then you are very justified in pushing her away at this time

Answer 6

The fact that she sometimes refuses to take her medicine because she wants to remember the pain is an indication to me she wants to
hold on to this unpleasant memory, which means she feels just as bad now as she did then. If she discontinued the counseling, then I strongly urge her to go back on it. The fact that you refuse to speak to her would indicate to me you and your mother could use joint family counseling. I strongly urge the both of you to seek it. I hope my answer helps you. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Rehashing old pain is toxic. It's poison to the speaker as well as the one who is hearing it. That negativity & your reactions to it are felt by the baby. your mom come to help & is being harmful instead. you have your own life. your household is your first priority. if your mother chooses to remain in the past, you have an obligation to move forward. if she hasn't made her peace w/the past, you have to do your best to keep your conversations on neutral ground. once she tries to go there, end the conversation. don't give ear to her rantings. i'd stay clear until she takes charge of her healing & takes steps to show that healthy relationships with her children take precedent to holding on to old hurts.

Answer 8

Maybe her Menopause is coming soon . =X What is perimenopause? Perimenopause is the stage of a woman’s reproductive life that begins 8 to 10 years before menopause, when the ovaries gradually begin to produce less estrogen. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause, the point when the ovaries stop releasing eggs. In the last one to two years of perimenopause, the decrease in estrogen accelerates. At this stage, many women experience menopausal symptoms. What is menopause? Menopause is period of time when a woman stops having her monthly period and experiences symptoms related to the lack of estrogen production. By definition, a woman is in menopause after her periods have stopped for one year. It is a normal part of aging and marks the end of a woman's reproductive years. Menopause typically occurs in a woman's late 40s to early 50s. However, women who have their ovaries surgically removed undergo "sudden" menopause. The drop in estrogen levels during perimenopause and menopause triggers physical as well as emotional changes -- such as depression or anxiety and changes in memory. Like any other point in a woman’s life, there is a relationship between hormone levels and physical and emotional symptoms. Some physical changes include irregular or skipped periods, heavier or lighter periods, and hot flashes. Coping with the symptoms of menopause There are many other ways you can ease menopause symptoms and maintain your health. In general, these tips include ways to cope with mood swings, fears, and depression: Find a self-calming skill to practice such as yoga, meditation, or slow, deep breathing. Avoid tranquilizers. Engage in a creative outlet or hobby that fosters a sense of achievement. Stay connected with your family and community; nurture your friendships. Seek emotional support from friends, family members, or a professional counselor when needed. Take steps to stay cool during hot flashes, such as wearing loose clothing. Keep your bedroom cool to prevent night sweats and disturbed sleep. Take medicines, vitamins, and minerals as prescribed by your doctor. Eat healthfully and exercise regularly. What are my options for treating depression during this phase of my life? Your doctor will try to exclude any medical causes for your depression, such as thyroid problems. Depression during perimenopause and menopause is treated in much the same way as depression that strikes at any other time; however, there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that estrogen replacement can provide relief of minor physical and emotional symptoms, as well as prevent osteoporosis. However, there may be a slight increase in breast cancer and blood clots. However, hormone replacement therapy alone is not effective in treating more severe depression. Antidepressant drug therapy and/or psychotherapy may be necessary. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, be sure to talk to your doctor about finding a treatment that will work for you.

Answer 9

Move away from your crazy mother, get a legal warn to keep her away, keep your integrity and your HOME by your rules.
I had also a bipolar disorder mother so i stay as far as i can to avoid her.
Don't let you be threat by any crazy people.

Answer 10

sounds like she is a very self centered person, and strives on self pity. is making everyone miserable because she is miserable, she needs help. you need to think of yourself and the baby, my advice is put some distance between you and your mom untill she can act like a mom and not a spoiled brat