My father is an alcoholic person who only brought pain and sadness to our family. My parents had an awful divorce 10 years ago. My brother lives with my dad, so if I invite only him, he won't go because of my father. If I don't invite neither my brother nor my dad, my mom won't go because of my brother.
However, my mom already said that she will not sit on the same table as my dad, in case he's invited.
This is so confusing ! Please help !
Another point to consider is that I decided that I will walk down the aisle by myself. If he's invited and goes to the party, he will be for me just like any other guest. It sounds bitter, but even 10 years later I can barely look at his face. In the other hand I'd be self conscious if I don't invite him at all to my wedding.
Am I contradicting myself ? Did anybody go through a similar situation ?
This has been harder to decide than the gown of my dreams !
2006-12-19 01:35:49 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
This is a very difficult decision and you must consider your feelings foremost before going forward.
I guess one thing I wonder about is whether your father is in a program of recovery? If he is still actively drinking and has made no amends to you or anyone else in your family, for his behavior, then it is little wonder you carry a sense of anger, and resentment towards him. You did nothing wrong as a child and you deserved to have a father that protected you, loved you, and most of all served as a role model for you.
It is natural that you would have "mixed" feelings because he IS your father. 50% of his DNA rolls through you, and you are getting married. Every woman would want a loving, caring father by their side on their special day...but is it him? So being confused is natural, but you must, for your own serenity do what will make the day most pleasing to you. If you can "barely look at his face" do not let guilt be your guide on the most important day of your life. You have the opportunity to break the cycle of addiction in your life, and starts by loving yourself enough to say NO...no I do not condone or support your behavior. No I will not allow the most important day of my life be marred by having a person in the room, even if he is my father, to remind me of an ugly past.
Most of all forgive yourself. Allow yourself to let go of things and people who no longer serve the person you have become and are becoming. It does NOT mean you cannot forgive him, but you must hide your forgiveness so you enter into the new phase of your life with optimism and love.
2006-12-19 01:53:02 · answer #1 · answered by Suzanne 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Invite only those who will make you happy and who truly share with you the person you are today.
Love of a parent is usually unconditional. YOU do what YOU want to do. Don't let any family member tell you that they won't come if so and so is there. That's ridiculous.
Seat conflicting family members at different sides of the church. Do away with the bride side and the groom side. That's a silly tradition. Let the ushers seat people wherever to fill up the church.
At the dinner... have a table for you and the groom and the immediate wedding party. Have a table for your mom and the relatives she does like. As well as a table for your dad, brother and relatives that like them, etc.
It can be done. Don't let anyone of them stress YOU out. Tell them that this is YOUR day not there's and you've invited who you wanted and made arrangements for everyone to be comfortable. IF that's not enough for them, tell them you are sorry that they will miss out on this special day for you.
2006-12-19 09:43:23 · answer #2 · answered by curious_One 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My wife was in a similar situation. Its all up to you, and everyone should respect your decision. Your family boycotting is ridiculous and selfish on their part. This is your day! This will be a very emotional day, and you don't need family drama added to the mix. If you don't want to invite your father, i wouldn't balme you, but i would write a letter to him explaining. It would take a lot of heart and pain to do so, but your only speaking the truth. If he doesn't understand, than that would probably help you understand why your not inviting him in the first place. If you do invite, he can be a regular guest, or have his own row(s) for his family and friends, at the reception he can have his own table(s) that's the way it was for us.
Remember its your day! Don't be a jerk, but remember its your day, seek counsel
Lastly, Why are you getting married? I'm guessing becaue you love your husband. THis is about you guys, remember. I had lots of freinds and fam who couldnt make it, and they would say, Aww i wish we could come. My response was "I'll be there, and thats all that matters!" :)
2006-12-19 10:10:03 · answer #3 · answered by Gyasi M 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is where you can have your bridezilla moment. if your mom, dad and brother see it fit to throw a tantrum, then in turn you get to say it is my day you will not ruin it. if you feel that way don't come....it might hurt to do, but this isn't a stress you should have to deal with. right now my sister is planning her wedding (it comes in 2 short weeks) and has had nothing but problems with the in-law side of the family and has asked my man and the groomsman to be security also, and if mom in law acts up like she does now, she's being escorted out. to give you an idea of what she's dealing with...her mother in law has told her son (my brother in law) he's the scum of the earth, and that he has to choose my sister or his family etc. so it's not been easy and it's taken out on the rest of us.....but as long as she's happy that is all that matters. so they have the invite, but there is a back up plan. so maybe if anything have a back up plan of a few close friends being security (like my sister is doing) and at the first sign of drama, they will be gone!
2006-12-19 09:52:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I chose not to invite my father or any of my family. My husband to be helped me decide like this...
Imagine that you have invited your father and are holding the RSVP in your hand. Turn it over. "Yes" is marked clearly. Are you happy and excited? If not, don't invite him.
Just because someone is family, doesn't mean having a relationship with them is necessary or healthy. You are starting a new stage of your life. Make a fresh start. Stop fretting about this and enjoy this exciting time.
2006-12-20 23:52:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I say invite him, but he needs to be treated as you say, like any other guest, no special seating, just there, simply to get your family members who are important to you to come, otherwise I would have said screw him. Don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for considering not inviting him, he has hurt you and left scars that Im sure noone can understand that makes things more difficult. Good luck with this and congrats on the wedding!
2006-12-19 13:23:21 · answer #6 · answered by ASH 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are normal to have these feelings. It is your mother and your brother who are doing wrong in imposing whom you should invite.
If I were you I'd just invite the brother and mother... then my brother is open to decide to come or not without your father. You don't have to be guilty about it if he does not come. You should take it then as your brother prefers to be with a drunkard.
Your mother also should not interfere! If you want your father at your wedding and you want him on the same table as her, she should shut her mouth up and wait for the reception to end for your own good.
2006-12-19 09:41:08 · answer #7 · answered by trushka 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
One thing you need to remember- this is your wedding. You invite who ever you feel comfortable inviting. Do you plan on having an open bar? If so, you may take that into consideration with inviting your father. My fiance's had problems with both his brother and sister, we're getting married in July and he's asked me not to invite them. Do what you feel comfortable doing- it's the happiest day of your life!!
2006-12-19 09:40:24 · answer #8 · answered by kellilicious5 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have recently faced this on a smaller scale this past Thanksgiving. My policy is that I am always to remain neutral. It's not up to me to dictate who is, and who is not to be able to come together (in my opinion.) Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to be the one to decide to turn someone away. Let everybody else make that decision on their own. If you don't invite someone, because someone else is unhappy, you are letting that other person dictate your life. If it was completely up to you, and nobody else cared, would you invite him? If so, then I would proceed, if not, than the other outside influences wouldn't have affected your decision anyway. You can't cater to everyone. If other family members are not mature enough to tolerate someone, that's their issue, not yours. Don't worry about who's going based on choices you make. Invite everyone, and let those that truly care about you regardless of the environment be with you on your special day.
2006-12-19 09:43:41 · answer #9 · answered by phusion 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i come from the same background as you... When my sister got married... she had my brother walk her down the aisle and my dad sat at a table with his family members and my mom at a table with hers... it is ok to feel that way about your dad... but someday you need to get over it and move on... your bitterness towards him could cause issues in your own marriage... Just keep everyone at your wedding separated and all should work out fine. it is your day! do not let any of them take that away from you!
2006-12-19 09:40:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋