Please help!!! The allergic boyfriend or the cat?

Question

Ok...My fiance and I moved in together 4 months ago and shortly after we got a kitten... Turns out he's allergic. I'm a cat lover and have had one all my life but, he says the itchy eyes and stuffy nose are too much to deal with and he wants me to get rid of the cat. He refuses to medicate prior to coming home and has psoriasis so I'm not sure if shots will help. I know of a place where she can go and will be well taken care of but, as this is the man I am supposed to spend to the rest of my life with and I likley will never be able to have a cat like I've always wanted, should I make him happy and rehome the cat or should I keep my cat and find a new husband?

Please help!!!!

Wow! I never thought this worked so fast!!!
Just a note: I didn't think it was possible to be allergic to something for 25 years and not know it.. but his mother never liked them around the house and he's pretty much been a bachelor until me... He first noticed it at my mom and dads house but we were only there for a week and he wasn't sure if thats what it was... after we got that cat he said he'd try and deal with it, but now its getting to the point where he can't anymore... He's great otherwise, has never asked me to compromise anything... especially a cat. He just doesn't understand that a cat to me is like a baby and not just a furball... Hope that makes sense. Thanks again.

I didn't mean for the last set of details to sound like I had my answer... because I definetly don't... Any other great advice?

Answer 1

its not fair to make your boyfriend medicate all the time and it can get expensive. if you found a nice home for the cat, take it there. visit if you can and try a puppy. good luck. i love cats too

Answer 2

If you have to ask then you shouldn't be getting married. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

I mean really marriage is serious. If he is the love of your life you would not be considering sending the kitten to a loving home you have found after only having the kitten for 4 months. If this man is your true soul mate someone you can't live without then this question would not be here.

Consider speaking to him about it TELL him how important having animals are in your life. Ask him to see an allergist. They can test for the allergy, including other common allergen causes. They will be able to tell you if immunity building shots will be effective. (This will also verify the allergy). Tell him you will be willing to rehome the cat IF there is nothing that can be done (go to the allergist with him; don't take his word for it). Also there are prescription medications he can take once a day that don't make you drowsy the way some allergy medications do. Perhaps he doesn't like the way the current allergy meds make him feel. Zyrtec is an excellent allergy medication and may even help his psoriasis.

He CAN get allergy shots with psoriasis. This way you are both offering to make compromises. If he isn't willing to meet you part way on something that is so important to you that is cause for concern cat or no cat. Choose a board certified allergist if possible. One with testing services. Perhaps something else is setting off his allergies; he should be tested for other possible causes.

If he is willing to do the testing and the desensitization but the doctor recommends removing the cat from the home during that process then you should meet him on that point if he is going willing to do everything you ask.

Is the dog a long haired cat? My son's asthma is set off by long haired cats only. Short hair doesn't set off his allergy induced asthma attacks. That is something to consider. Does he suffer the same symptoms when you go to other people's homes that have cats? This will give you a clue of the severity of his allergy.

I also think premarital counseling is a good idea. It sounds to me like perhaps there are some communication gaps and communication is the key to a good marriage. It's essential. So is making mutual compromises (not one person constantly making compromises). A good counselor even through church will have workbooks to discuss small issues to large ones. Things like how much do you feel is ok for your partner to spend without consulting you, etc. These small things become large things over time. Hurt, resentment all lead to anger which destroys relationships.

Make sure you are not looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If that is the case perhaps you should rethink this marriage. I find it very telling that in the question you said yoru boyfriend or the cat. But we learn in the next sentence his is your fiance. Perhaps that really is a clue to the problem. Be sure in your heart this man is for you before you enter into marriage. (happily married 17 years)

Here are some links to help you with cat allergy issues.

I wish you all the best no matter what decision you make.

Answer 3

I think asking someone to medicate unecessarily is unfair. The liver has to process meds and does put a toll on it over time, no matter how small. It also is an added expense and a pain. It also doesn't necessarily stop all his physical problems, just the most annoying ones. It seems more reasonable to not ask him to suffer physically like that.

Marriage is all about this very topic. A lifelong give and take, compromise and sacrifice. If it is not a cat, it will be something else. Children, money, sex, religion, relatives (and so on). You already sound ready to throw in the towel for the idea of never having a cat. I swear, it doesn't get any easier from here. You could change men and still come up with these type of struggles and compromise.

I really question how much you love him if this topic of having a pet is really a struggle for you. I don't mean to make that as judgemental as it sounds. It's more of a question you should ask yourself. If I was crazy about someone, I'd give up my kidney! LOL Maybe it is unbearable for you to not have a pet for the next 60 years or so, but if he really was *the one* it should be a sacrifice that you give willingly and knowingly without resentment.

I had a friend with this exact problem. She had two beloved cats when she met her future husband. He also did not want to have to take medication and be uncomfortable in his own home. She opted to give the cats to good homes.

I have 4 dogs and I would not choose to keep them over someone I loved. Keep in mind, if you do have children with this man, your children have a high inheritance risk for these allergies and you would want them to take a pill everyday?

Hope this was food for thought in helping you with your choice.

Answer 4

Do you truly LOVE this man, want to MARRY him, and spend the rest of your life with HIM?

If your answer is YES, and you have a GOOD home where your kitty can go, that should be what you do. You can visit your kitty often, like when he's at work. You can also see if he's allergic to dogs. If not, that could be an excellent alternative. I have 2 Silky Terriers (slightly taller and longer than a Yorkie). One of them actually thinks he's a cat! He's hillarious!

A marriage SHOULD last for life, sometimes some compromises have to be made in the name of LOVE...

A GOOD man can be a rare commodity; you may not find another as good as him. He didn't purposely get the allergy to be mean...

******
I do understand how you feel:
I had to give up my black lab when I remarried because we had no yard. She went back to my ex on 1 1/3 acre where she always loved to run and play. It was a very hard decision. I'm happy to say that we were later able to move (only 1/3 acre... but hey that's good...), but the ex wasn't about to give her back. But I know she's taken care of, I can see her when I choose, and I am VERY happily married and now have 2 Silkies to compensate for my loss. I am totally devoted to hubby, the children & the Silkies! They make me HAPPY again!

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you come to. Good LUCK!!!! ; )

Answer 5

As a pet lover (and being a bit of a feminist), my first response is to say to get rid of the fiancee and keep the cat. :P

But in reality, that is not at all practical. You really need to consider it and ask yourself some tough questions. Remember, marriage is about compromise and this will by no means by your last compromise.

Please do not be offended, as being that I do not know you I have to put in some possibilities that may not pertain to you.

1. Can you live without a cat as a pet? Would you be willing to get another animal- such as a dog? What else is he allergic too?

2. Are you using this an excuse to get rid of him because of other problems in your relationship? It can be easier to blame a failed relationship on something trivial then the actual issues on hand.

3. Does he make demands like this often? Or is this simply because it's making him sick? If he is making you decide between him and things you love on a consistent basis, that should be setting off 'warning bells' in your head.

Answer 6

After one failed marriage, and owning cats all my life, I too have given questions such as this much consideration. There is alot of very useful advice here already, I just wanted to add my two cents worth. My answer is simple, and quite likely that some people won't like it, but for me, I feel that if a man is really "the one", there won't be ANY problems with me having a cat with him. Marriage is a very serious commitment that many people enter into WAY too lightly. Many people "settle for less" so they can "settle down". If it was me in your shoes, I know that I would eventually feel resentful towards my hubby for not letting me have a cat ever again, and that just turns into a vicious downward spiral.

It also seems fishy to me that it has taken him so LONG to realize he is allergic to cats. I know it is possible, but it just seems odd to me. Many people I know who are allergic to cats are also allergic to dogs (what they are actually allergic to is pet dander) so perhaps you wouldn't be able to have a dog either. How sad!

I know that this must be a tough thing for you to have to ponder, but I would seriously weigh all the considerations that are going into getting married to this fellow. What does it mean if you are considering breaking your engagement because of a pet? Could it be that the kitten issue is just a precursor to other issues which are not so apparent to you yet? Don't ignore your little voice inside, especially at a time so crucial as engagement. The little voice is there to help and protect you.

Marriage is easy to get into, and VERY VERY VERY difficult to get out of. I know, I've been through both. A man's love for you may fluctuate, change, or even cease to exist. Animals love unconditionally. Your pets will always love you no matter what. Of course, this is no substitute for a wonderful marriage made in heaven, but it is worth considering.

Janis Joplin said, "Don't compromise yourself. It's all you got."

I think that a really good marriage shouldn't have to involve personal compromises that are quite so serious. Compromises, yes, but small ones that will be easily forgotten over the years. I would not be able to forget that I couldn't ever have a furry friend again.

I wish the very best for you, your hubby, and your kitty. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Answer 7

What ever it is, I would have it decided before you move in. Personally, it does sound like the ex is trying to have control over him. I also believe smoke outranks cats by miles. The ex and/or courts probably don't care at all what I think but they probably would listen to an allergist. Not only would I encourage him to discuss cats with the allergist, I would encourage him to discuss smoke with the allergist. You can take shots for cat allergies (and I have and kept my 4 babies) but there isn't a lot you can do for second hand smoke other than avoid it.

Answer 8

This is my opinion (and only my opinion).

I believe that adopting a pet is a life long commitment. When you purchased (or found, or rescued, or received) the pet you made a promise (either spoken or unspoken) to that pet that you would love it and take care of it until it passes away. You have an obligation to make your pet a priority in your life.

I also could not imagine living without pets.

I decided that I could only be happy with someone who feels the same way about this that I do. And I found him.

It's up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. It would be for me, but that's my opinion and you may have a different one.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 9

I think you are not really sure of your feelings for Mr. Allergic or you would not have asked this question. Me personally, I dont get rid of a beloved pet for ANYBODY!! I think you'll be sorry in the long run if you get rid of the cat. That means as long as you're married--no furry friend!!

Answer 10

an answer from a fellow allergic person.

I found myself in a bind at a young age. I love cats, although I am horribly allergic to them...

My parents had 15 cats inside as I was growing up til I moved out...medicine is expensive, and I got immune to the medicine as I got older, having to up the dose for any relief, so your bf would most likely have to get a dr. prescribed med which would be REALLY expensive...

So...it's really not fair to him to say " if you love me, be miserable with my cat.."

You have to decide which you can live without...your bf or the cat...

Answer 11

I had the same promblem with my best friend and she medicates before coming over.

Shots will help him. I love my cat and if my boyfriend wanted me to get rid of her I dont think that is the kind of man I want to be with.

And he just realized he was allerigic to cats? Sound pretty odd to me.