I'm very disturbed and angry. My church gossips too much!?

Question

I'm an LCMS Lutheran and have been attending the same church for over 15 years. I know everyone and they know me and I'm now 4.5 months pregnant. I told a close friend who teaches at the school, another friend, another lady in the church, and I told the pastor (who also insulted my finacee through me, forcing him to not want to EVER step foot in my church again). These people were told not to tell anyone I was pregnant and I was just about 2 months at the time. My mom got a phone call from the school nurse saying she heard I was pregnant and if we wanted to borrow a changing table from her. She's always telling people "thats none of your business" when they ask anything. I am angry because who could have told? I thought I could trust those people and quite frankly don't want that nosy church spreading my business. Transferring is not an option so don't even suggest it. But would you be mad about this? I feel like my privacy has been blatantly invaded. Should I confront this person?

Answer 1

Yes, I would be mad, and I left the church for that same reason - and never went back.

My spouse won't attend any churches because a baptist minister - the MINISTER - once told him that if he didn't attend this man's church, the bible didn't apply to him.

Your privacy has been invaded, and here's a lesson for you - there are very few people you can trust with secrets. However, you weren't going to be able to hide that pregnancy much longer, so they will all know anyway.

Confrontation probably won't help anything - cat's out of the bag now. But if this is bothering that much, I'd say go talk to your minister, tell him how you'e feeling and see i he can help or has any suggestions. After all, he should know his congregation better than we do.

But you are right to be upset and angry. Try not to dwell on it and be a better person than they are. Be healthier for you and the baby anyway.

And congrats on your up and coming new baby, and I'll assume since you said fiance, wedding!

Answer 2

You need to calm down. The blabbermouth here, is you. You told someone, asked them not to tell anyone, then you told someone else. You are the one who invaded your own privacy. If the people at your church gossip, then find another congregation. Don't get mad because you told a secret to someone and didn't tell your mom first. This is your fault. People are going to know very soon that you are pregnant anyway. You are just angry because you hurt your mom and you want to blame someone else. If you were a true christian yourself, then you would accept what you did and apologize to your mom for not being able to keep a secret for something you are very excited about. Thank you and GOD bless.

Answer 3

I tend to agree with bravejunkie about organized religion. People in many churches not only spread bad rumors, but they also get so hung up on the little rules and customs of their particular doctrine that they forget that the Bible is the real doctrine they should be adhering to. They judge by their own interpretation who is leading the "right" lifestyle and who is not. Then they force that judgement on other members so that you are pushed out if you do not become like them. Just remember that God is the real judge that you should answer to and if you have His forgiveness then no one else has the right to say anything.

I still try to find a church I can be comfortable with because I need the social interaction, but I am a little different, and having Asperger's disorder complicates this for me. Nonetheless, I have found a makeshift way to exist around them, mostly by using these rules of thumb: people assume things based on what they see, without asking questions (or asking questions with their minds made up already). I have been burned so many times by gossip that I rarely confide in anyone, but mostly make small talk, and that seems to work OK. Even my closest friends do not know all my secrets, as many of them make sense only to me anyway. If someone causes a stink about me, the first thing I do is figure out who my "real" friends are (i.e. anyone who does not jump on the bandwagon, for whatever reason). If there are enough of my usual acquaintances that stay on my side then I simply avoid the people who are on the bandwagon and associate with those who are not, with as little confrontation as possible. Sometimes I find that everyone seems leery of me -- usually I do not know what the rumor about me is -- then I will abandon the group and find another church. This is not difficult for me since I'm kind of distant and rarely plant roots. And I'm used to it by now.

But, since you have been a member of this church so very long, you are probably set pretty deeply there (as you stated "transferring is not an option"). In that case you probably need to confront the person. But first, find the people who are still on your side. That way when you do confront the person you will have people to back you.

I don't blame you for being mad, but since the news is out (and let's face it, you can't hide being pregnant forever), you need to do what you can to find your friends and just try to sit through it. The flap will die down, and once it does, I think you should definitely tell the people you trusted with the info that you feel betrayed by them. Consider this an opportunity to prevent a bigger disaster. The good thing about this happening with a pregnancy is that people would have eventually begun to see it anyway, so everyone would have known at some point. And by these people letting the news leak on this, you now know you can't trust them with anything else, perhaps something that COULD remain hidden from view indefinitely if not spread by word. So what happened here was just a bringing out of the inevitable sooner than it was expected, as well as a warning flag that the people you told are not to be trusted with private info. But if these are people you want to trust then you need to have a word with them or else never confide in them again. You might even let them know that you will not confide in them anymore, and let them know why.

But whatever you do, it is important that you wait until the heat dies down, and do what you have to do peacefully and calmly. Nothing is ever resolved by raising your voice, fighting, or bickering. Good luck.

Answer 4

You told 4 people about your pregnancy, but I assume that you know that the lady who attends church or the pastor are the ones who spread the news. I think it's very rude of someone to spread your news knowing that you don't want that shared.

You can confront the person, just tell her/him, I asked you to keep the pregnancy between us, why is everyone talking about it? I don't appreciate that.

You show people that you don't like their behavior and they will get it, otherwise they will think that it's OK.

If you can't stand the church anymore, don't go anymore, but why is transferring not an option (since it's obvious that you have issues with this one).

Answer 5

The best way to keep a secret is to never listen to one and to never tell one. You can quit the church but gossip exists in all churches. Gossip is a huge money maker. Look at all of the tabloids. Millions of people thrive on gossip. Look at it this way. You can't hide a pregnancy forever. Even if you and your fiancee got married prior to the birth of your child; people would be able to figure out that you had premarital sex. Now that the cat is out of the bag; you won't have to contend with snide remarks. Embrace those that would like to help. Nip the ugliness in the bud by having your mom throw a baby shower and by all means get married to the father as soon as possible if the gossip bothers you. Otherwise, ignore them and just enjoy the wonderful experience you are about to have.

Answer 6

Im a member of LCMS myself and my Church is great, I am sorry to hear that yours acted to way it did and all I gotta say is that you could either switch to another LCMS Church or a Lutheran Church in another Synod or even to another denomination.

Ok I know some would say I should encourage a fellow member of my denomination to stay in my denomination but with me it's like im more concerned about if one is at least following Christ versus what denomination they belong to.

If you still wanna be in this Church in question though I think you should report the Pastor for this to someone who is above him.

For instance you might wanna consider reporting this to the Church Council as well as writing a letter to the District President.

Answer 7

First, it's important to recognize that the members of the church are not the same as the church itself, and especially not the same as the gospel of Jesus Christ. If we were all perfect people we wouldn't need church.

That said, the appropriate way to act if someone has offended you is to approach that person privately and tell them that you were offended. Then forgive the person, whether they ask for forgiveness or not.

In your case, since you don't know exactly who talked about you, be very careful about accusing any one person. Maybe it's just better if you forgive and move on with your life.

Answer 8

THIS, my friend, is precisely why I have a HUGE problem with organized religion, and why I no longer attend church services at my church.

I think too many people have forgotten the real reason why we go to church (to worship God) and are using Sunday mornings as a reason to show of their expensive new suit, brag about how much they put in the collection plate, or find out who MaryLou's sister is sleeping with, who kicked their kid out of their house last Friday night, who got drunk at their company Christmas party, who's pregnant with her brother-in-law's child, etc. etc.

I would be upset about this, but it's not like someone's spreading vicious gossip that you have herpes, you know... Besides, it sounds like you told several people about this, so how do you know who, exactly, let the cat out of the bag? Maybe three of the four people were silent (doubtful) and only one person started blabbing. Or, maybe all the people you told each told someone, and those someones told their friends, etc.

If I were you, I'd just let things die down quietly. Eventually, people would have found out you were pregnant. It's unfortunate that you couldn't have told everyone yourself, but--this is what happens when you tell who you *think* is your friend something, and that person just goes to blab. Let it go--it's Christmas time, you're pregnant, and shouldn't be getting upset. This is supposed to be a happy time!

Answer 9

You may have trusted those people, but you have to keep in mind that they are only human. They could have told intentionally, or it could have slipped. People would have found out anyway, since transferring isn't an option. You knew you went to a Church that gossips, but you went and told some of the members anyway. You helped make the baby, so you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

Answer 10

These are still people no matter how religious they are. They're not saints. And people do gossip. What's the point in getting mad now, secret's out. Focus your energy on something more positive than being angry. This too shall pass...