I have a newborn, and my MIL is very jealous of my mother. She is very smothering.. Any suggestions?

Question

She lives 3 hours away, while my mother lives 8 hours away. Anytime I mention things my mother has bought for my daughter or just anything about my mother in general, MIL gets defensive, and sometimes hostile. It's very frustrating to me, and there are days I can't even deal with it. My husband just tells me she doesn't want to be left out at all, and won't speak up. Should I? Or would I be wrong to..??

So when she askes about my mother, just ignore her question..? And when she sees new items in our house, and questions me as to where I got them.. Tell her they magically appeared..?

For the record.. I'm not going to lie to dear MIL. I don't feel like I need to tiptoe around the fact that she is flat out jealous of my mother. I'm not at all trying to cause tension. She is however, by acting childish and immature.

Answer 1

Kill her.

Answer 2

It sounds to me as if your MIL simply has a very low self-esteem and is afraid she may not be "good enough". If this continues and is an everyday thing tell her you refuse to converse with her when she is hostile. Since she is three hours away, I cannot imagine she visits much. You may just want to say a quick hello on the telephone and tell her you are tending to the baby, tired, headachy, etc. However, if you feel your mother is continually being attacked, let her know how much this hurts you. She may just need to feel she is "good enough" and that is why her behavior is so defensive. Keep letting her know you appreciate her and that she is a great grandmother (if she is). If you feel the need to speak up, you should have your husband's support 100%. Have him read this if need be. If he cannot back you up now there may just be some parenting disagreements in the near future. You are his wife, if you are hurt he needs to do the best he can to help. Decide whether or not it is a problem worth spending your time and energy on or if your MIL is simply insecure and it would be best to praise her positive attributes then point out the negative.

All the best!

Answer 3

you have three options.
1. you tell her that she needs to back off and if she doesnt, you stop having contact with her. i dont recommend this options as it not only will impact your relationship with her but also with your husband and your baby deserves to have the chance at a healthy realtionship with both grandmas
2. you sit down and have a serious talk with the husband. maybe he just does not realize how upsetting this is to you. if, after completely understanding the situation, he sides with his mother over you, that says something about your marriage. If he takes no action with his mother you have to be prepared to accept it and drop it or not to.
3. you could try to involve your mil as much as possible. maybe when she comes for a visit you could give her small chores like giving baby a bath or feeding or maybe she could pick up some diapers from the store. then tell her how much you appreciate her help and what a relief it is to know you are not alone and have many caring people in your life. I also like the idea of sending mail to the mil. a few pictures with a small note that says hi and gives a short baby update ex...(insert baby name) is starting to sit up on her own and we cant wait to see you! i bet your mil would love this. I prefer option 3. this woman is not going anywhere and you have atleast another 18 years before try avoiding her as much as possible. be the bigger person. you will feel good about it when you can tell your kid(s) they are lucky enough to have two grandmas that love them very much. some things are better to just let go even if you are right. life is too short to waste time with your baby being stressed about other people. good luck

Answer 4

If your husband doesn't respect you enough to speak frankly with his mom, then all is lost. If you have done everything you can to try to deal with her and you are at a loss, it's time for your husband to step up and do his part to improve things. Tell her she won't be welcome over any longer if she can't stop badgering you about your belongings and your mother. At the same time, she may need some extra TLC and she may want to feel valued. Try to give her some simple but helpful tasks to keep her occupied. Maybe you can sit down and do a craft together to take the focus off of your mom and your belongings.

Answer 5

So if it bothers her to hear about all the things your mother bought the baby, why do you bring it up? That baby has 2 grandmas and both want to be the most liked grandma--that is natural. Keep the peace.
Right now you have a rare commodity that has the total interest of 2 people. If you create grudges or ill feelings, that will only hurt the baby in the long run. One grandma will bow out completely and then your baby will be the loser in this tug of war.

Answer 6

your mother is YOUR mother,,the grandmother to YOUR baby,,it sounds like you and your mum are close and that is probably the reason your mother in law feels jealous most likely,,she may think that because of this closeness she will always be second best,,a second grandmother if you will,not as good as your mum as she doesnt seem to get the credit your mum does,,she has probably had an idea of what her role in this situation would entail and it isnt quite going to plan,,it is doubtful she dislikes your mother but the fact praise is forthcoming in her presence may make her feel that none is due to her so ,,,would it feel appropriate to get her a gift,,one of the soppy ones that tell how valuable she is,,that in your eyes,she too is the sort of grandmother you envisaged for your child,,give her some room to shine,,you and your mum are close and it would be nice for her not to compete with someone who can do no wrong in her eyes,,ask her advice but see if you can impress upon her that it is HER advice you require,,something about your child that is relevant to her,,ask,,"did he (husbands name) do this too'? let her feel you know where this child stems from,,you and her son,,and somethings she will recognise as traits from your husband when he was a child and who better to tell you about all the funny things he did,,something your mum knows nothing about,,,feeling at a loss when a child has their own children can be confusing,,you want to help but find it unappreciated seemingly,,she needs a role and you have to define the lines of that role,,make her feel wanted and needed,,it is important to all grandmothers.

Answer 7

You have to learn eventually to just let it go. Whenever someone acts like this with me I just cool down. In other words I cool the relationship down. I am cooly polite. If sharing things with her causes problems just stop sharing. You don't have to be best friends or good friends. Surely being 3 hrs away the visits will eventually slow down. Hang in there.

Answer 8

Simple. Quit having conversations that are about your mom.
She's trying to have a relationship with you and you are obviously comparing the two. That's how it comes out dear! Keep your conversations about the baby, your hubby, and ask her advice on cooking, the baby, etc. Make her feel needed. Ok? Good.

Answer 9

You should speak up, and your husband should speak up with you. The two of you need to tell MIL that hostility, aggressiveness and snarking are harmful to mother and child and will therefore not be tolerated in their presence. If she chooses to continue with this type of behaviour, don't feel guilty about limiting her contact with you and your child.

Answer 10

I would just stop talking to her. Let your hubby deal with her. IF you are breastfeeding, stress can affect your milk levels. Also stress right after having a baby is no good anyway.

Well just answer her and if she gives you an attitude in your house, then you can tell her to leave or make up an excuse that you have to go somewhere. Or only have her over when your hubby is home.

Answer 11

Its your house your baby and your mother and if you mother in law does not like the way things are in your house then she is more then welcome to NOT come over or NOT ask about things that will up set her.

If you are comfortable, then by all means say something to her.