I have a son who's gonna be 4 in Feb. The problem with him is he's overly too active, talks a lot?

Question

He runs everywhere we go i.e. shopping, restaurants, at parties, even at home. He can't stay still. He's also does not listen to us unless we use the cane to chastise him. Time for lunch & dinner is also a hell of a time for us. We have to force him to sit down. My wife is all stressed out taking care of him. What should we do so that he will be an obedient child? All he wants is TV & play. He's our only son & my wife is expecting our No. 2 next May 2007. We are also trying to send him for extra activities like music & art classes. When will he ever calm down & relax? He also gets excited when he meets other kids to play with.! He likes to scream too when with other children?!*

Answer 1

Some of what you say is no different than any four-year-old child does.

Many children are not helped to develop the skills for changing behavior in certain situations simply because nobody thought to talk to them about it early enough. Many people don't want to do anything to curb a child's freedom, and the children don't learn how to occasional curb themselves in certain places.

Someone else on here mentioned not doing anything to squash his natural male instincts (or something like that). You don't have to do that, but if parents set up some very simple and basic and reasonable rules for behavior children usually have no trouble following them (and they learn to think a little before they do some things rather than running wild everywhere).

My rules were always:

No throwing balls or anything else in the house.

No "wild" running around or playing inside except for in the family
room. Wild running around was for outdoors.

School is "for business". Enjoy it, but behave.

Business places such as the post office, insurance places, courts, etc. require "just sitting quietly by me for a little while; we won't be that long".

Visiting: Bring some sit-down toys and tell the child he has to play quietly and/or talk when visiting; and unless he's out in the yard he shouldn't run around.

Parties: Let him follow whatever is going on there, and the only rule would be "keep your hands off other children and throw your trash away".

Those rules are pretty simple. There are only so many places to be going during any given week. Explaining to him (announcing to him calmly and with authority) that he can't run wild in some places is something he should be able to understand.

I always based my rules on this: Do I want my child to learn to fit into society, or do I want him/her to grow up unable to know normal social behavior? I never cared who ate how many peas or whether someone went to bed a half hour later than planned. I always saw the most important thing teaching them how to behave in ways that would serve them well through their lives.

One benefit to having well behaved children is this: People respond to them better. People treat them well because they like them. The children get to feel as if "the world" values them as humans - not as if nobody likes to see them coming (not even Grandpa).

In restaruants you can tell him ahead of time that he will have to sit at the table. Bring some entertaining items that will keep him busy. Download a simple and appropriate game for your cell phone, and only let him play it when you're eating out. With his energy level, get up and go for a little walk with him for ten minutes or so - a trip to the restroom, a look out a window, or a quick run to the car to get a coloring book will break up his sitting time. You can tell him, "When we get back to the table we'll finish dinner, have dessert, and then we'll be leaving." Tell him the plan so he doesn't envision the need to sit still as for an indefinite amount of time.

If he's being scolded all the time he'll tune out. Maybe you need to eliminate all scolding talk and decide, instead, to use the simple statement of some simple rules. Other than that, talk to him about things that are pleasant for him and that show him he's valued. Still, stick with the rules; and if he forgets just keep reminding him.

He isn't even four year, so I don't think its a big deal that he doesn't want to sit at the table for dinner. Put a plate out, tell him to sit up and have his whatever, and then let him leave after he's sat for a few minutes. He'll sit longer as he gets older.

Start with some simple rules ("We're going into the Post Office for about five minutes. You need to stand right next to me because they don't want children knocking over things in there. We won't be long.") (On the way out of Post Office stop and look at the flowers or some other thing they have outside. Let him see there's a little pleasantness involved too.)

Also, he's three years old. Stick him in a carriage in stores. Give him a book or box of cat food so he can look at the big cat face on the box or some Cheerios in a baggie - and tell him you don't want to lose him, so he's going to be riding. Tell him, "This time you need to ride in a carriage, but help me find the things I need to buy; and I'll buy you a little something on the way out."

And, when walking - hold his hand. Just grab his hand and calmly say, "I know you're a big boy, but I'm going to hold your hand because there's a crowd here; and I don't want to lose you in the crowd."

With every simple rule you introduce and stick to he'll start to learn that in this one instance there is one simple, little, rule to follow; and he'll be able to follow it because its so simple (and because you won't expect him to go against his pre-schooler's need not to stay in one place without moving for too long). You won't be asking him not to be a happy, lively, person. You'll be helping him know that there is a time and place for "lively" and that "happy" comes from knowing how to behave and not acting antisocial as well as from enjoying running around.

I have three kids who were all absolute joys. That's not saying they didn't do anything wrong. I'm saying that our day-to-day home life was pleasant, and I never yelled at any of them or hit them when they were little (or big either). There's a way to be a team leader with your children and act with authority without attempting to control them.

You may like to read up on brain development and nurturing during the first three years of a child's life. (www.zerotothree.org) It points out how if children don't form the right brain connections during that time they will lose the potential to develop them and develop "wrong" ones instead. You may also like to look for Super Nanny's books or find out when her show is on. She's very effective and helpful to parents in situations like the one you mention.

I think one of the biggest ways of getting children to behave in the way you'd like is not to even think about "obedience" and to think, instead, about how if you treat them with respect and try to meet their needs and show them how much you value them, they'll automatically want to please you or even make your life easier by following some relatively easy rules.

Whether it is children or cats or dogs or anything else for the most part, what usually works is if we are respectful and nice to them while still asserting a "team leader" position; and if we take the time to talk to them and try to let them know what's going on and why (even if cats or dogs don't completely understand they realize you're making an effort and appreciate it); and if we just set forth a few simple and consistent rules.

Answer 2

Your four year is fairly normal.

Turn off the TV, use the idea of time out, and break that cane in half and throw it away. If you are in the U.S., what you are doing by so called disiplining him with a cane is considered, in the eyes of the law, child abuse. If you need to spank, it is open hand on buttocks - and then 3 to 5 swats.

Consider getting him into preschool. If he is not potty trained, he will need to be; approach it as preschool is a reward and you'll be suprised at how fast he potty trains.

Tell the preschool teacher that he is loud and active - they will help him find outlets, as well as help him learn when it is time to be quiet.

Time for you at home to practice when it is time to play quietly and do as he is told. Maybe get a doll to represent the baby - when the "baby" is in the bedroom, he needs to be quiet.

Make a sticker chart - each time he manages 5 minutes of quiet, he gets a sticker. So many stickers means he gets a special reward - small, not big.

When he can do 5 minutes regularly and successfully, then go to 10, then 15- all the way up to half an hour. By then, he should have the point.

Also teach him thay it is OK for him to play alone and quietly.

Table manners? Well, there's a battle. Some kids his age just have a hard time sitting still as long as adults do, so don't make him sit there as long as you do. Make sure his food is easy and quick to eat without being something different than your food, let him eat as quickly as he wants and then be dismissed from the table to play quietly nearby. Try including him in the table conversation, and teach him that when adults are talking, he needs to wait his turn to speak.

Take him outside as much as possible - let him run about and yell and basically wear himself out.

Otherwise, he will calm down a bit as he gets older. Medication is not the answer, nor is beating with a cane.

Answer 3

It is a fact that boys are far more active than girls, its just the way they are. Have you tried talking to him? Sit down on his level and have a "chat" , about anything .Whatever he likes . Could be he needs more attention. Children will look for any attention(even smacks are attention)What do you mean "a cane to Chastise him"?When he becomes to Chaotic , put him in time out. In his room lock the door if nessaccary but warn him before you do this. Have you tried reading parenting books?They are full of usefull Ideas. If you are having trouble getting him to sit down and eat , try this (worked with my son-5), When dinner is ready call him ,if he doesn't come.You and your wife should sit down and start eating without him-ignore him infact_-When he wants to know where his food is ,tell him that when he sits he will get his.Keep doing this untill he gets the message(can take a while). Also is he on a regular routine? Children like routine , that way they know what to expect.Send him to Pre-school , give your wife a break . Mornings only work wonders and will make him learn social behaviours too.All children scream and get excited when they meet other kids. Your son sounds Perfectly normal to me..

Answer 4

Helpnout definitely gave the most thorough answer. I am a psychologist and diagnose children with autism. Helpnout listed the actual diagnostic criteria that every professional uses when determining a diagnosis. Therefore, if you feel he meets those criteria, he may be autistic. Professionals, however, have been trained to identify those characteristics correctly. There are other types of spectrum disorders that are similar to autism: aspergers syndrome, rhetts, CDD. Speech delay is very often a first sign of some type of developmental delay, such as autism, specific learning disabilities, or just Expressive/Receptive language disorders. As characteristics become more obvious, time will tell what the issue is. I recommend that you make sure he has had a thorough evaluation by a psychologist, speech therapist, occupational therapist if needed, as well as medical eval.

Answer 5

From what I've read, this can be pretty normal behavior for a male his age. But if he does things you don't like, especially to get attention, try ignoring him. And only react to him when he does what's expected. If he's hungry and wants to eat, but is running around and being difficult, try telling him that once he calms down, asks nicely (please, may I have... you know all that good manners stuff), then he can have something. If he doesn't listen, then just go about doing your business. It'll take a while, but be patient. If he's overly rambunctious when other kids come over, tell him he can't play unless he behaves and is quiet.. what have you. And BTW... play is learning for children... so find things that'll help him learn at the same time. Educational videos for TV, art... drawing specificied items, building blocks... things to engage his imagination and keep him occupied for a while. :) Hope this helps. And congrats on your new addition... our's is due 01 June 07!

Answer 6

Sounds alot like my son. My son was like that but he is 5 now and not as bad. He would go crazy over another kid and scream if he didn't get to play with them

Remember when you couldn't wait for him to talk? Now you just wish he would shut up..lol That is the truth though.....Maybe he has a hyper disorder or maybe he is just wanting so much attention. You two need to put your foot down and let him know who's boss. If you let him get away with all of this then he will just keep on and on.
Start saying no to the TV when he acts up and no to playing when he won't listen or is screaming. This woked for me. Good luck and congrats!

Answer 7

When you are having dinner you should all sit at the table together. When he gets up you put him back in his chair and get down to his level and tell him if he gets up again he will get time out (pick a spot for time out). Keep putting him back when he tries to get out of time out. It will be really hard for a couple weeks but YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTANT. DON"T GIVE UP! When you go to the park, don't sit on the bench and watch him play. Climb that slide. When he does something good and behaves give him a positive reaction. When he is misbehaving give him time out; and keep putting him in time out (4 minutes. a min. for each year old) Go to a family restaurant once a week. Not McDonalds with a playground. The more he goes, the more he will understand how to behave in public. When he screams tell him calmly not to scream. But don't forget you shouldn't scream and when you talk to him go down to his level so your eye to eye. Tell him to look at you and then explain how you expect him to behave. Tell him the second time if you have to tell him again that he will have time out, or you are leaving the store, or whatever the situation. And do it! Do not raise your voice. If you are going to the store and your wife is staying home or vice-versa you tell him good-bye when he says I want to go you tell him he can't go this time because he didn't behave last time. That next time he can go if he is good for Mommy while your gone. And she can remind him while your gone that he needs to be extra special good. BUT CONSISTANCY IS KEY! And by the way the cane has to go.

Answer 8

Everyone always talks about the terrible two's. 4 year olds are hell on earth. Sounds like you might need some parenting classes and learn some discipline techniques that dont involve using a cane. you have to be the one to teach him when its appropriate to "run wild" and when its not. Now is the time to get it straight as it will only get harder as he gets older.
http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/discipline/45323.html?page=3
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
http://www.publichealthgreybruce.on.ca/Family/Toddlers/ToddlerDiscipline.htm
http://www.mo-river.net/Community/positive_discipline.htm
Here are just a few websites to look into. The main thing with discipline is consistency. Once you start it you have to stick to it.
Its hard at first but the pay off will be more tranquility at home and more peace of mind for you and your spouse.

Answer 9

This is very normal 4 year old behavior, he is testing the waters, you now need to lay down your rules, no bending them, stay strong. Most 4 year olds are very active, try redirecting the energy to crafts all that tv and sitting is only adding to the problem.

Answer 10

Look into his diet. Eliminate processed foods (and, obviously, sugars!) this might be a bit difficult to get used too... but it can make a HUGE difference. Reduce the amount of T.V. and video games to no more than 1 hour a day TOTAL. Get him involved in Karate... perhaps he'll burn some of that excess energy off and also learn self-defense and self-discipline.

Best wishes.

Answer 11

wow. hands are full. You need a firm cosistent calm, non emotional dispiline style. i sugges 1-2-3 majic. The book is really good and I have used it at work with violent special needs kids. Also, he may be ADHD or something... cut out sugar and caffine... add calming teas and foods to his diet... go natural