19 year old daughter is dating a 36 year old. What can I do?

Question

My 19 year old daughter started seeing this "boy" about 2 months ago but always had an excuse as to why we never met him. Thrusday we confronted her and found out that this "boy" just turned 36 on Friday. :( Her boyfriend is only 3 years younger then we are. There can be only 2 things someone our age is looking for from someone my daughters age. Either marriage or sex. I think she is too young and immature for either. Niether of them see anyhthng wrong with this, even though he has a daughter himself then is almost my daughters age. :( I know she is 19 but she still lives under my roof and I take care of ALL her expenses. They had a talk with us about this and THEY feel she is old enough, mature enough and independent enough to make her own decisions in life. Which I know is not true. If she was soo independent then I would not be her only means of living. And she is about as mature as my 10 year old. But I am afraid that if I put my foot down she will move out and in with him.

Answer 1

unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do in this situation. she is an "adult" by law. she is young and she may think she is ready to be with this man but she won't learn anything unless she does it on her own. state your concerns and tell her if she wants to be with this man that you don't approve of then she needs to move out. it is hard to let go but you have to let her make her own mistakes and she will hopefully learn from them.

Answer 2

a 36 year old man is not looking for marriage he is looking for an easy target he can manipulate and control. unfortunately this is your daughter. I don't know what can be done. I don;t think you can demand her to stop seeing him. This is a bad situation. but do not in any way discourage her from making her own decision be it with a old man like this one. because when your daughter and the man don;t work out. she will have you to fall back on. she can't throw in your face that you never supported her in this relationship. just take it on day at a time . it will probably end soon when he finds an younger easier woman he can manipulate.I will say a prayer for you and your family though.

Answer 3

I think you should put your foot down. She is 19 years old and if she is old enough to date a man who is 36 then she is old enough to move out and get her own place or make her own mistakes. I know it is hard but you have to let her live her own life, not under your roof. When I was 18 I met and married a man who was 30. 12 Years older than me. It lasted for 7 years. He did not treat me bad and we had 3 kids together but it just did not work. I am married now to a man who is 6 years older than me and am very happy. My point is - Let her grow up on her own. Let her know that you are not happy with her dating this man and as long as you are paying her bills you want her to stop. If she has a fit tell her to move out. She needs to grow up and you need to let her go.

Answer 4

I hate to say it but there is really nothing you can legally do. Keep in my she is still a teenager. Yet she is of legal age. So putting your foot down will probably push her out and into him.
Best advice I can give you is to talk to her as an adult not a parent. Tell her you expect the same from her. Explain how you feel, but be nice. Ask her to really think about her relationship with this man.
I would also check into his family. Because someone like that is basically a cradle robber and may even be a child molestor. There really is not going to be much you can do. He may be legit in how he feels but it is highly suspect.
The only thing you can really do is hope and pray for your daughter. When something does go wrong at least try to be there for her.

Answer 5

The ONLY success I have seen in these kinds of situations is to, hard as it is, talk to her as if she were your friend, not the child that you changed diapers, taught to ride a bike, and watched grow through high school.

I would ask her questions, like:
-what do you have in common?
-what don't you have in common?
-what's the attraction?
-why do you think a 36 year old man isn't going after someone closer to his age?

If this is too hard to do without getting yourself triggered-and it is no shame if that's the case, this is hard stuff!-then see if you can find a counselor you can both trust.

Otherwise, I agree with the others who said to invite him over and act normally with her while he's there. Act as if he's a "normal" date for her, rather than someone twice her age. Whatever you do, DON'T make any snide remarks about their ages while he's there, though.

Answer 6

Don't tell her she can't see him you'll push her away from you. If you're still flipping for alll the bills mom you still have strings. You are exactly right!! but shes testing the waters of life and you have to let go of the rigns a little so to speak. Let her be the one to decide that hes not for her but be there for her and point out the adversities of the situation. Hopefully she'll find a younger man and loose interest. Your upbringing has been a loving one it shows in your letter and she'll make the right choice with your help

Answer 7

I would tell her if she's mature enough for a relationship like that, she's mature enough to be on her own and if she's going to be with him, she can't live with you. She's taking advantage of your generosity.

Also, my father is living with a girl who is three years younger than I am, and the longer they are together the easier it gets to deal with it. It is possible they really love each other. While I'm never going to be over my dad living with her, I can at least get through the day without crying about it now.

Answer 8

Tell your daughter to invite him over to the house only when you are home, for dinner or watching tv.
Take time to talk to him about his interests and get to know him.
Order your daughter to help set the table, cook or order the pizza with you and do the dishes. Do not ask him to help her, he is a guest.
If he stays after dinner, tell your daughter she has a carefew in from of him. If they decide to go out, ask him to bring her home at the time you decide. Do this several times with a smile on your face...your daughter will be embarrassed, probably she will have a fit with you in front of him and you... stay calm...Pretty soon he will fly away in search of a free lady and leave your daughter alone.

Answer 9

Your main concern is your daughter, so I would imagian that you could speak to her about your own life experiance("Man to Woman"). Ask her about her dreams. Findout what she's looking for in life / this guy. Tell her how you still believe in her and her dreams despite the disagreements of the present. The next thing is to speak to the guy "man to man". The bast way to have an idea of what he's looking for is to let him tell you what he is looking for. I think that if you can put aside your personal feelings for just a few minutes you may find out just what you need to know. Don't be afraid, for 19 yrs. she learned from you. Have faith.

Answer 10

She was only 21 and I was 36, so as hard as it may be to hear this.... I broke up with her only after her parents had had enough and kicked her out and she moved in with me. I had children as well, and honestly her immaturity finally got to me and it was too much for me to have another child in the house to take care of. I give it all of about 6-8 months (tops!) once you love her enough to show her to the door. It may just be the hardest thing for you to do, but it just might be the only real solution to your problem.

Answer 11

When I was 20 I dated a guy who was 32. My parents weren't too thrilled about it. They dropped subtle hints from time to time, but never came out a directly criticized the relationship. It didn't take be too long to see that this wasn't a guy that I wanted to be with forever. Because of the age difference, we didn't have a lot in common, as far as music, movies or other interests go.