My Son Wants To Leave Home?

Question

My son is turning seventeen next week, and he has informed me of his decision to leave home. He is usually responsible and I'm sure he can provide for himself, but I'm not sure he has the right reasons to leave. I believe it's because my girlfriend Monique has recently moved in with us, and my son doesn't like or respect her, because my daughter told me this. Monique is a wonderful woman, and she tries very hard to get to know my children, but my two elders are still devoted to their mother. Should I convince my son to not leave home?

Answer 1

yes... and I'll tell you why... My sis and I decided to get an apt when I was 17, and that was the worst mistake of my life!! please convince your son to stay home, even if that means getting rid of Monique.. Your son's future is much more important

Answer 2

Did you discuss it with the kids BEFORE Monique moved in?

I think the most common mistake (and I have been guilty of it, too, with very hard results and a difficult recovery that is still ongoing), is to not let the kids be in on the decision.

You say your daughter told you your son's feelings, but not that he said so directly. It sounds like maybe you're having some fairly normal difficulty communicating with these "grown up" kids-who hate being treated like kids, but still are!

You didn't say how serious the relationship is with Monique-that makes a big difference about whether you and she should expect that the kids make some room for her in their lives or not.

I agree with all the people who say that, ultimately, the kids must come first. You are their father, and if you don't put them first, who will? It isn't for that much longer-the "home stretch" is also the kickoff to the rest of their and your lives together as family. What will be likely 5 years from now? 10? 20?

But I also agree with the person who said that kids can come up with some pretty petty reasons to not like someone, and you shouldn't just trash a good relationship/partnership without trying to find a compromise that will work for everyone.

I would suggest counseling. Marriage and Family Therapists can use short term processes to help everyone get their say in a safe space, make sure everyone's most important needs are addressed, and help you come up with a solution that is less extreme and workable for your situation.
Without a lot more detail, it's very hard to give advice, because the different personalities involved, ages, lengths of relationships, and probably hundreds of different factors will require a tailored solution.

If you don't have insurance that will cover counseling (many plans do) or a job with an Employees Assistance Program, there are usually a number of free or low cost counseling agencies. Call the local crisis hotline for referrals.

Best wishes. My 17 yr old daughter has moved out, and it's a very difficult thing to manage, for all the reasons others have given. So I hope you are able to keep your relationship with your son strong and loving.

He needs you!

Answer 3

Your son may be very mature and responsible for his age - but he's still only 17. Staying at home will allow him to still be able to be a kid while he finishes growing up. If he is on his own he will be forced to immediately become an adult. This isn't fair - even if he doesn't quite realize that this isn't fair - YOU DO! So what's an alternative? A one on one talk with your son to determine exactly what his reasons are and how worried you are for his future if he does this (how will he remain in school?). Maybe calling a family meeting is a good idea and putting it all out on the table. Both you and Monique must realize that no matter how wonderful she is, it usually takes time, hard work, and deep patience for a step parent to establish a relationship with teens. Start by letting your children know that both of you support and encourage their devotion to their mother. Tell them that their mother is a wonderful mother (even if you have to choke on it :o) - speaking from experience here) and "even if you don't agree with her on everything, she's obviously doing something right because just look at how wonderful you kids are turning out... " You don't say how long you've known Monique and how long she has been living with you. Did you both give it enough time for a relationship with the kids to become established before she moved in? If not, then maybe taking the whole living arrangement situation more slowly is the answer. If all else fails, can your son stay with another relative rather than be on his own? At the very least, sounds like its time to hit the bookstore and pick up some books on helping kids cope with the aftermath of divorce/separation. Good luck.

Answer 4

I have dealt with a similar situation over the past 5 years. In a nutshell, I was divorced in 2001 when my son was 12. He decided to live with me (his father) at that time. I re-married in October 2004. My son and my new wife were often at odds. It wasn't always my son's fault. My wife lacks empathy and she didn't really understand the problems of a teenage guy most of the time, and this has effected my son. I tried to facilitate their relationship over the past 2 years but nothing has really helped. Finally, after some soul-searching and discussion, we decided it would be best if my son went to live with his mom. This was a mutual decision by all concerned. We all feel like we gave our situation enough time to work out for the best. Since my son and I are still close, we will make sure to see each other 1 week per month.

I hope my situation helps. If in your situation, I would try to see if your son is willing to give your situation more of a chance. Maybe see if he will agree to a 3 - 6 month trial period where all are focused on the problem and the solution. Help him to understand that your girlfriend is not trying to replace his mother and reinforce that he already has a mother. But, if he learns to view the situation more positively, he can have the benefit of having 2 female role models in his life. He will gain support from both, learn from both, and he will become a better and more balanced man because of his exposure to both women.

Answer 5

First of all, and you probably do not want to hear this, Monique needs to not be living with you unless you are married. As a father, your first responsibility is to the child no matter what the age. Setting a bad example by not being married to the woman you are living with only negatively impacts the child. A father's love for his children is unconditional. Often the child senses conditions placed on the mother's love. That is just one of the reasons your children are with you and not their mother...There is plenty of time for you and friends after the children are gone but they have to realize that they are first and for most in your life. I cannot stress how important this is to children of divorced parents and parents seem to forget sometimes that their responsibilities lie in the child first. If he realizes that you are putting him first before your friends then he will most definitely have a change of heart. Getting him prepared for college should be the only thing going on in his and your minds right now. Now go be the good dad and show him that you are the Great dad. Blessings, Cyber

Answer 6

I say yes. Let them know their mother will always be their Mom, and that Monique will not replace their mother. They may feel she is trying to do that. It's a very hard situation... my parents divorced (I was 22 at the time), but my younger brothers were still at home at the time... and the middle one who was 17 also said he would go live with my Dad if my mom found another man. I think it's the whole replacing issue they have. Let them know that you need to move on with your life, and you will never try to replace their mom, but you need someone who will make you happy. I'm sure they must care about your happiness as well??? That's how I was at least- I would hate to see my mom with another man because she was the one who divorced my Dad... however, if my dad found another woman, I almost wouldn't mind as much because he's so depressed and sad. I know this is soooo wrong, but a part of me is upset with my Mom because she didn't even explain why she wanted the divorce. Nothing makes sense at all... but I have come to realize they are better apart, and now (I'm 24,so 2 yrs later), I realize I do want both of them to be happy. It just takes some time.

Goodluck, do your best to keep your son content and happy. Your children need you in their lives.

Answer 7

While I am a mother my children are a lot younger that yours. Maybe if you try to force him too stay the situation may become worse and he and Monique may never get on where as if he leaves you may find that their relationship will improve especially if your son does not feel comfortable about your current relationship, the space may do you all good and be able to get along better, however hard it may be to see him leave it may be the best decision for him at this time and let him know that he is always welcome back home at all times....

Answer 8

It really depends. How long have you been with Monique? DO you plan to marry her? If this has been a very serious ongoing relationship than you shouldnt have to ditch her but I understand not choosing a lover over a child. He is old enough though where maybe he needs to make this decision. He shouldnt be like this if he is just trying to get you to get rid of her. That isnt fair too you. Perhaps you should let him go and just let him know the door is alway open to him if it doesnt work out

Answer 9

OMG!!! I can't belive that so many people simply say "Kick the girlfriend out" because that's what your son wants... if he wanted candy bars for dinner, should you do that too? Often kids hate the new partner in their parents lives because it means change or they are no longer the one and only in their parents lives. They want them gone for "kid reasons" i.e. she makes us eat vegtables, she makes us clean up the kitchen and other evil things. No one should put you in a position to pick between your partner (assuming this is a serious relationship) and your children, including your partner and children.
Explain to your son that while he may not like Monique, as long as she is not abusive toward him she is the person you want to spend your life with. It very well maybe that the person HE falls in love with isn't your idea of an ideal companion, but it's not your life to live.. just as your life isn't his to call the shots on.
Don't allow your life to totally revolve around your childrens whims.. the rest of the world certainly won't and it'll be easier to deal with if you learn young... you don't always get what you want.

Answer 10

I have always believed that when you have children your life goes on hold until they are 18.

When my BF (now my husband) decided we wanted to live together my sons (who were 19 & 15) were brought into the discussion. Because they were still in school and living at home, it effected their lives too.

They were told up front what we wanted to do and how it would effect them. They were also told that it was their decision too and if they didn't want us to, then we would wait until they were out of school (basically graduated from HS).

They both loved him and were all for it.

He understood that at thier age they were too old for him to try and step in to be dad. He just became a mentor and friend to them.

Years later and they all still get along very well.

I think the fact that they were considered in the decision and they knew that, was what made our situation work.

If your GF moving in is the reason your son is leaving, then she needs to move right back out. You two are the adults and can wait to be together until the kids can handle it or are on their own.

Answer 11

Now and days it hard to provide with the apt situations.The questions that need to be answered are...

a.Does your son have a reliable job?
b. Is there anyway possible he can room-mate with a friend whom is reliable?

And as of the New Girlfriend...Take things slow, don't have your girlfriend step in his way, he may need some time to himself for the "new change" of the family situations..But honestly, girlfriends come and go,Family should be your number one priority.Confront him about the problem thinking your son doesn't like this "moving in another woman".If that is the case, then let him vent out to you about how he feels.

~ It wont hurt to try