What do you think?

Question

I recently noticed in the behaivour of my new 6 year old son ( my husbands but i m going to adopt them because their mom died ) that when things aren't done as he wants and when he wants he throws tantrums (yells and throws toys or objects or hits us). Time out doesn't work. Taking things away doesn't work because he has many toys and games and he always finds something else to be intertain with. Is this only a phase? Or we need to take action now but how?

Answer 1

First off it really depends on how long ago is biological mother died, and how old he was when that sad event took place in his life. If she died recently, like in the past two years, this child is deeply grieving and needs to be taught methods of working through his grief in healthy ways.

Children show a need by "acting out". His behavior is indicating something is wrong in his life. It could be something at home, at school, or with a baby sitter or child care service. Children also need strong bounderies and if they have not been properly disaplined from the start this sort of behavior will result. Children crave bounderies and adults who can lovinly set those bounderies will find the child responds very well. If there has been chaos in his life, his behavior will reflect that chaos.

Now, for what you can do: Again this depends on how long ago his mother died. If it is recent, within the last two years, then it is important his father be the one to begin to address this issue and not you. Step parenting is difficult at best. Children know you are not their biological parent and it is important to first establish a friendship, a mentoring if you will, before any displining is attempted by a step parent. Without a solid foundation of trust and friendship build first, children will strongly oppose any attempts a step parent makes in disipline. Children resent what they see as a foreign individual upsurping the biological parents position and will fight very strongly against that perceived interference.

In this situation I strongly suggest sitting down with the father and having a very serious discussion on this child's needs and what the two of you can do to properly address this situation. If you are basically new to the role of his step mother, you need to demand the father step in as the only disiplinarian while you concentrate on developing the foundation of friendship and trust mentioned above. With the father taking over the major disipline of the child, this relieves you from the daily struggle you are currently in with this child. It frees you to become a friend and supporter, somebody the child can turn to in need and eventually you will be able to step into the role of co-parent.

When children are born the first type of relationship they have with parent(s) is one of nurturing and friendship. The parents provide for the needs of the child and play with the child extensively. This first level of relating establishes the basis for future disipline. A child who loves and respects the adults around them will respond well to those adults. When a child is an infant, that first year of infancy is crucial as it is free from any major need to disapline and the parents are so thrilled by every expression, every first thing the child does, and the relationship is one of joy and happiness. When the child become of an age where disapline needs first arise, the foundation is already laid which enables the child to respond positively to that disapline. When the disapline is accompanied by solid bounderies and predictable outcomes the child thrives and is contained in the confines of those safe bounderies and predictable outcomes. When the bounderies and predictable outcomes are absent, the child flounders from a lack of direction from the parent(s) and will act out trying to get those bounderies set. Sadly, if those bounderies are not ever properly set, the child soon learns how to minipulate those parents to get whatever needs HE/SHE thinks they want, and become out of control. Especially due to the fact a child is incapable of making sound judgments of what is in his/her best interests.

When a step parent comes on board, it is crucial that step parent not jump in feet first in disaplining the child. The biological parent needs to do ALL of the disaplining until the step parent has an opportunity to establish the basic foundation which is usually created during that first year. I stronly reccoment step parents take a year to establish a positive relationship with any step child if that step parent hopes to have a healthy relationship with the child.

I understand how well meaning most step parents are. However, tragic results are bound to occur if the step parent jumps into the disapline too soon. If you are one of those well meaning step parents who jumped in too soon, and it sounds like this may be the case, I strongly reccomend you take a huge step back and start new with this child. He most likely is very confused and in deep need of a simple understanding shoulder to cry on, somebody who will just be his friend and nothing more. When you to this, the change will not be immediant, but it WILL occur. This child at first will need to learn to trust you, to discover that you really do care about him and not just put him in time outs, take his toys away, scold him or yell at him. I know most parents yell at their children at times, this is natural from frustration, but it is important to appollogize to the child, tell him it was wrong of you to yell and that just because you are an adult does not make it right, in fact it makes it even more wrong as adults should know better. It is good for children to know that adults make mistakes too, and that adults can say they are sorry and mean it. I can't count the times I said I was sorry to my eight children, six of whom I adopted, four of them siblings from one family. So, I do know what I am talking about here. lol

If he does not remember his biological mother, that is sad, but it will make things easier on you in the long run, and it actually makes things easier on him in the long run too. Without the memories the grief will be absent, and as such that will make this entire situation so much more amenable to a true mother/child relationship between the two of you. This will give him a strong and healthy parent child bond with you. With that said, it is still vitally important you take the time to develope that relationship and bond. You do that by backing off of the disapline and becoming his friend.

Now, I understand that if you are at home for long periods with this child, it may not be possible for you to just not disapline him. I reccomend you and your husband do some checking into alternate situations which will provide for this child while he is away. As he is six, he should be in school full time now, or very close to it. He is at least in kindergarten. That takes anywhere from four to seven hours away from the time you are requred to be alone with him and be in the position of providing disapline. I reccomend you and your husband consider an after school child care program, which would be more like an after school pre-school enviroment, where the person in charge resembles a teacher more than a child care provider. Teachers have an ability to be viewed as a disaplinarian without it being viewed as somebody trying to "parent" the child. If you need to go with a regular child care provider, this still will free you from having to be the "bad guy" in this situation and enable you to be in a position of "saving" the child from the mean 'ol baby sitter and then have some quality play time.

This child needs immediant strong bounderies placed around him by his father. He needs to establish a friendship with you which will lead into the mother role gradually. As your relationship with this child grows, based on fun times and play, you will find the child responding to you in a very loving manner. This expression of love will transmitt onto you and you will find your own love for him deepening. When that bound deepens he will be more open to your disaplining him as he will have that foundation of friendship and trust usually developed in the first year of life between a parent and a child.

I really do understand what you are going through and how diffiuclt this may be. I strongly wish to encourage you to not give up on this child, and I assure you if you try to do what I have outlined here you will find the rewards far reaching. If need be seek out professional assistance, there is no shame in that.

You sound like a very loving person and are to be commended for wishing to be this child's mother. By stepping back you will become his mother in every sense of the word. However, if you dont' step back this struggle will continue and it will eventually tear the two of you apart and create great harm for your family as a whole, for the child and for you as individuals. It will be nothing but a contunual struggle which will worsen over the teen years.

I know a year seems like a long time, however, it is a year which in realilty will go by very quickly and the results will last a lifetime. I wish you much success in your new children and in your life in general. Bless you for wanting to step up and love this motherless child. So many just go through the motions and never really try to truly love their step children. I hope you and he have a fantastic relationship.

P.S. My children and I worked very hard to bond and we are now deeply bonded with a strong love. It was a lot of hard work and sometimes I just wanted to throw in the towel, but I just went for a walk, or escaped into a book, or did something to take care of myself and then went back to the job refreshed. Please make sure you take care of your own needs too, or you will be too tired out to care for anyone else and you will find resentment growing in your heart and soul. I think you are very speicial to take on another woman's children and wish to become their mother. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Answer 2

Well, where is the time out being held? Not in his bedroom with all his toys? How long? 5 Min's? He needs to sit some where, where there is no access to nothing, not even TV, for like 10 min, or until he can come and tell you why he was sitting there in the first place. When he throws his toys, they need to be taken away, and put up for awhile-if that's the way he is going to treat them! You need to remember he is acting out for a reason. It could be many reasons, you need to try and talk with him, when he is calm. Just ask him some questions, they are pretty truthful at this age. If you still have problems, all schools have counselors, that would be my next step. If he knew his mommy at all, this would explain everything. Children also need to go through a grieving period, and they too, can can held up in one of the steps. I am not saying, its OK for these actions, I am just saying, be as patient as possible! You can never love someone too much....

Answer 3

That is normal for children to do this, but when he acts that way, place him in an area where he isn't entertained. and sit him there for 6 minutes, if he gets up put him back. The first time you place him back, you kneel down to his level and tell him do not move, and tell him why he is in time out. He will get up again, but this time do not say anything and place him in the spot again. Every time he gets up put him back on the spot not acknowledging his behavior, after a while he will get the picture and sit there. You must be consistent. Children are VERY smart. So what ever you start you must fully complete with them.

Answer 4

it could be just a phase...but has he been this way for a while(before the death of his mother), or did it start after. if it started after the death he could be acting out this way because he doesn't know what else to do!! i would talk to his doctor and see if they can give you any advise on how to handle this. they may even suggest to you that he sees a child psychologist. good luck