Another method?

Question

I recently noticed in the behaivour of my new 6 year old son ( my husbands but i m going to adopt them because their mom died ) that when things aren't done as he wants and when he wants he throws tantrums (yells and throws toys or objects or hits us). Time out doesn't work. Taking things away doesn't work because he has many toys and games and he always finds something else to be intertain with. Is this only a phase? Or we need to take action now but how?

Answer 1

First of all, you must be very firm but DO NOT spank him. It will definatly cause friction w/ your husband.
When my sons(6&8) or foster children(4&6) throw "fits",
I get down on my knees, hold their arms firmly (not hurting), make them stand up straight, & look me in the eyes.
I tell them that that behavior is absolutly unacceptable!
I tell them that if they don't use their words to explain what it's so important, I can't help you.
I ask, even if I know, what it is that they want. I make them tell me, politly, in a normal voice if they want an answer. If they cry, yell, whine, etc. I just tell them that I can't understand if they don't talk right.
I tell them that maybe next time I will do whatever it is that they want, but this time because they misbehaved and disrespected me or my husband, they will not get their way.
I explain that there are things that children get to choose do and there are things that they do not get to choose. ("you choose what pj's to put on but you can not choose what time you go to bed!")
Make them apologize to whomever they hit. "Sorry" alone is not good enough. They must say in detail what they did wrong, for example "I'm sorry for disrespecting you and throwing my ball at you".
Then I put them in a designated "time out" spot (chair, rug, stair, etc.) No bedroom or TV viewing area. For a 6 year old, 5-10 minutes is enough time. Time out starts when they are sitting. Walk away, & do not answer/acknowledge any more comments. When the time is up, I ask if they are ready to get up or if they need more time to get themself under control.

I know it seem like a lot to do but IT works! My kids do still raise their voices, have hitting spats between each other, but VERY rarely have full blown tantrums, anymore.

Lastly, always try to say yes more than you say no so that you have some reasoning to back you up.

p.s. Your husband MUST do the same for either of you to be effective

Answer 2

I am sure you keep in mind what this poor child has been through. Don't think he isn't aware that he can't always have his way, look his mother died, something he had no control over and had to deal with this life altering situation at such a young age. I am not saying go along with these outbursts, but after you have talked to him, yes he does understand, don't take the gloves completely off, but just let him know where you are coming from and what is expected from him. As far as throwing things, no, this has to stop, pop him, a nice firm smack on the hand or behind, never killed anyone, hey it might save him from being killed in the future. Tantrums don't work, you say you have tried time out, now try something different. Show him how fortunate he is to have you and your husband, remind him that his mother is always with him and stress that you are sure she wouldn't want him acting that way. In all situations there is a trial period, I don't think it will last and once you and your husband have set your rules and boundaries, it will all come to be. God Bless you and your family.

Answer 3

This a phase but you still need to take action now. I have a 6 year old sister that did the same thing and my dad spanked her and gave her a lecture on why not to do what she did and we also set her in a bedroom with nothing in it. If you have a guest bedroom that has a bed and couple of things but nothing for him, I would put him in there for 10 minutes and then go explain to him why he was in time out. Have him apoligze and then go about your way and keep doing this. Sooner or later he will get the drift and hopefully act better.

Hope I helped and good luck!!



He is doing this to get attention and test your patience. Mabye he feels he is not loved enough. My sister felt this way so we showed her more love and she acted so much better. Ask him why is he doing this and explain to him that is wrong and maybe do something to work it out.

Answer 4

Time outs are hard if it's not the same every time, and it's only recommend that a minute for every year=6.
This is hard because even if you've been there a long time Dad may have "given it" because it was easier after mom had passed away, your son needs to learn that by throwing a fit he won't get what he wants, my ex gives our kids everything, and i don't so we go up and down, after doing the same thing and not ever giving in he'll learn that you wont give in, but you also need to ignore it, totally i know this is super hard, but if time outs don't work then don't reinforce bad behavior, just walk away, and then when he calms down, tell him OK now we're ready to do...whatever it was and you need to tell him how much you love him, and give lots of hugs he could feel really insecure, remember that he's just little.

Answer 5

Yes, this is probably a phase, but depending on how you respond to it, will determine his behavior in the future. He is probably still grieving over the loss of his mother, as well as reacting to this new realationship between you and his father. Tantrums are pleas for attention....you say time-outs don't work, but you don't say why....is it because you still react to his behavior, or give in before the time is up? All discipline requires consistency. You and your husband MUST be on the same page and work through the problems in the same way. One parent cannot allow behavior that is unacceptable to the other parent, or give in when the other parent is disciplining. Read Sonia's suggestions....I believe she is right on track. Don't respond to bad behavior, only respond to the good behavior when displayed. Good luck. I married my husband when his daughter was two and we went through some trying times, but now (at 31) she is such a blessing and a gift to my life.

Answer 6

It could just be a phase that he is going through unless it has gone on for a while. You might could try ignoring him. I did that to my daughter, and she finally got the point.
Also, we would put her in the corner. She screamed and cried, and begged to not be in the corner but we stood our ground. She has time limit's as well on some things.
We have also taken all her toy's away and made her sit with us and read aloud. She has be disciplined according to our belief's and I don't even have to get on to her. She is very well behaved now.

Well, it could also be related to his mother being gone, unless she passed soon after he was born. He could think that it is your fault that she is not their, and that is his way of showing it.
If all else fails try counseling, it has help my child out with allot of things she has had to go through. Get a referral from his doctor, if not a number from the phone book.

Answer 7

He is going through some things. He may be lashing out because of the loss. 6 year olds are cementing their identities and their independence. But the abuse he is doing to others has to stop. I fully believe in spanking. Appropriate punishment for the offense, though! If his father isn't stepping up to the plate in teaching him exactly what it means to be a man in this world, then it falls on you to teach the respect, fairness, and pain of life.

Answer 8

yes take action now or he will think he is in control forever. i would take all of his toys out his room for a couple of days and not let him play with them but put him in there and tell him that everything isnt always his way maybe it will work it does for my 3 year old at least

Answer 9

i agree to the other post of that he might just be working out the confused feelings of the loss of a mother. but let him know you will not tolerate the aggressive behaviour. a time out is good - but only 1 minute for each year. we sit our kids at the kitchen table with their heads down on the table. learned that from our kindergarten teacher. works great. redirection is good, too. maybe he just needs to have help with his feelings - help him find words instead of anger and aggression. always remain calm - he needs that solid rock in his little storm. and get down on his level - have him stand near you when you kneel down or sit down on a chair. sometimes having them sit on your lap and fold your arms around them gives them a feeling of security and will calm them down. good luck - you have a long road ahead of you. i salute you to the adoption. won't be easy but so rewarding in the end.

Answer 10

does anyone believe in spanking any more you should spank his but if nothing else works this will