Is it fair or am I just being stupid?

Question

I'm the mother of two, an 8yr old son & a 1yr old daughter. The problem? My parents. My parents keep my son every wkend and for the last 3 mnths, a friend of his too. On any break my son gets from school, my son goes with my parents. My daughter on the other hand has only spent 1 night with my parents since she was born and that was conditional (I had to put her to sleep at their house and be back the next morning at 7 before she woke up). I am a full time student, I work, and that is the equivelent of my life. My problem is anytime I ask them to watch my daughter, I get yelled and screamed at but on the other hand, they act like the sun rises and sets out of my sons behind. Even when I found out I was pregnant, my mom yelled at me and said "there's only one". My dad (who according to me is superman) doesn't have a problem watching either of my kids and mostly just does what mom says. How do I tell my mom that I feel this is unfair without it turning into a war?

They also go against my rules with my son, tell me how to raise him, and let him get away with stuff he knows he's not allowed to do at my house.

My son is there so much b/c of the incredible bond he has with my father. I got divorced from his father 3 years ago and since then his father has signed over all rights to him. That shouldn't matter though b/c my daughter's father is also out of the picture.

My son being at my parents has nothing to with me working or school. Even if I say he's not going for the weekend, they come and get him anyway. This isn't about my lack of available time for my children. They BOTH are the most important thing in my life. This is about the unfairness of my parents picking one over the other.

Answer 1

i had the same fight with my x-inlaws about my boys.the older of the two was papas fav and the other not even somuch as looked at.i think the best thing to do is just to be very blunt and show the way the children are being treated and make it a point to include the both of them in everything.if it doesn't change the grandparents views of the children,just stop allowing one to go without the other.this will hurt! both you and the children but in time the folks will come to understand your view.both of my boys have a great relationship,now with the in-laws but it was VERY hard on every one.i wish you the best and may everything work out.

Answer 2

I was in the same situation. The first born can be favored sometimes, but should not be shown like you mother is doing. Also, your son is older and needs less specific care as a one year old does.

I don't know why the comment about "there's only one" was made, but is it due to being from different fathers? Not judging you, just sounds familiar to a couple of situations I have seen. If not, then your mother is favoring you son, she could have wanted a grandSON, and may not want to deal with a baby.
Either way, your mother is being irrational and unfair.

One thing that will make her think ( and could turn into a battle) is limiting their time with your son. They should respect your wishes as far as acceptable behavior. Yes, they are the grandparents and should be able to spoil your child - occasionally, but if you say NO to a specific issue, it should be followed - NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Think about how they raised you and the things they did/did not allow you to do, and if they are letting your son get away with that behavior. Then ask them "You raised me and I learned (enter subject) was unacceptable, why is ok with (your son's name) acting this way?"

Limiting their time with him may cause them to say they don't want to watch him at all, so be ready for that. But they will be asking for him later. You son has to live by your rules and will learn how to manipulate people negativly if your parents don't enforce them.

I would make a list of issues and talk with them. Don't back down. Be ready to compromise, not give in, on issues, but make sure your wants are being known and followed.

Good luck. Remember, you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your relatives.

Answer 3

I have a feeling you needed a lot of help from your parents, when you had your son , Your mother would have most likely been the primary care giver to him , while you were at school or where ever you were. I bet it was ok then, that the sun rose and set in him, so it should be ok now. It's not your mothers's fault that she had to take on a parenting role to your son, she probably would have been fine just being a grandmother, and as for your son, he is probably very close to your parents, which I'm sure he didn't ask for that either, he had to live it. So if your poor mother is tired of raising children and doesn't really want to watch your daughter very much, try to understand her position here.. Sure you dad is ok with watching them, because he probably doesn't do very much in the watching area, it's most likely all left to your mother.. Just wait until you've walked a mile in her shoes before you think you daughter is not being treated fairly .. Your mother loves both your children, but of course when you HAVE to help raise one of your grandchildred they become like your own. Remember it's not her fault .. Take a look in the mirror .. You should be thanking her for all she's done ( it wasn't superman ) that walked the floors with you or your son.. Just grow up a bit , take care of your own daughter , have a little respect for the person that raised you and your son, and understand her feelings..
Good Luck
Merry Christmas
God Bless Your Mother

Answer 4

it may have something to do with there age. your son is old enough to know to stay out of stuff and can do for himself for the most part but on your daughter part she needs someone that can keep an eye on her all the time. you are right it is not right they should keep her too. i dont know how old your mom is but when some people get older they get to where cant handle small children and that may be the case but with you son you are is mom you make the rules you need to tell you mom and dad that if they cant go by the same rules in there house then maybe you should stop letting them keep him. and when you say he cant go the you stick by what you say. YOU ARE THE MOM. you need to stand up to your mom. until you stop backing down from her she is going to keep on taking over good luck

Answer 5

I am sad to hear the problems you are having with your parents. Also it seems that b/c you are a full time student. It helps that you have someone to help. But you may have to start laying down some ground rules. He may need to go to camp on a break one summer and on the weekend stay home with you or go to stay over his best friends house sometime. You really should show your mother you gave birth to him, he is your son. As for your daughter, if she can't accept them both equally; then she can't accept just one.

Answer 6

Hi Ricks, It sounds like your mom thinks your son is her son.You mom has NO RIGHT interfering with who is right or wrong in raising your son. She sounds like she's in total control of her house hold, and doesn't let your dad have any say so at all. The biggers mistake here is 1. They are favoring your son way over your daughter. At this time your daughter is to young to notice or understand what is going on.The best thing to do, is have a heart to heart talk with your mom. Tell her how your daughter will feel left out, when she is old enought to see what is going on with grandma,and grandpa,and her brother. Tell your mom that you love her,and think it's great that they have helped you out with babysitting your son.But now it's time to share their feeling with their granddaughter,and please don't let my son or daughter do things that they know is wrong. Why?? because it makes it harder on you when you have to be the bad guy,and set them straight.Ask her to please let you raise your kids your way, not her's. Just be loving,and caring grandparents,who wants to enjoy time with their grandchildren. Like it should be. A Friend.

Clowmy

Answer 7

I think you should talk to your mom, because not only is upsetting you but it will soon start to upset you daughter. I also think you should start spending more time with your son, because is not fair for him just to spend weekends with his grad parents, if you have stuff to do that you cant take him, it OK, but you should be with him more, kids need to be with their parents. Me and my husband work all week and my son stays with mi mom during the days, but weekends are for the 3 of us. I think you are right to be upset about your mothers behavior with your daughter, let her know, maybe she has not realize what she is doing, and put the card on the table, they are your kids, and they should be treated equally

Answer 8

Sounds like your mom doesn't want to deal with a one year old. They are alot of work. This still isn't a good reason for her not to want to keep her own granddaughter. If I was you, I wouldn't want my daughter staying anywhere that she wasn't wanted. As far as your 8 year old, put your foot down and tell your mom that your rules have to stick when he is visiting her or he won't be able to spend the night anymore. Good Luck.

Answer 9

You should discuss parenting issues with your husband. Possibly you can cut down on your classes or work in order to parent your children on the weekends. If you've chosen to create 2 children out of wedlock without any fathers in the picture, you really can't complain about what's fair or not, but instead find another place to park the kids while you're busy with your life. Your parents aren't obligated to be surrogate parents to the kids you created. If you don't like it, find another free babysitter.

Answer 10

If you don't like what they are doing, don't send your son over there. Otherwise, they are helping you out. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. There are many single moms that don't get to go to school because they have no one to help them.