What do i do about a future brother in law that is abusive.?

Question

My sister is getting married to this guy who has anger issues. She knows it says shes leaving him but doesnt. Last night, i broke a plate by mistake and yelled sh1t and told me to get the F out of his house if im gonna use that language and when my sister tried to stick up for me, he came after me. I ran out. What do i do to get her away from him? She says he doesnt hit her but almost did numerous times. I (and my family ) strongly beleive he does. what do we do?

He doesnt want her talking to us now.

SOMEONE DELETED THE OTHER ONE!

Answer 1

Well that is one of the classic things that abusers will do, try to isolate their victim from friends & family.

But you can't make your sisters choices for her. All you can do is offer her your council, & allow her to combine your wisdom, with her own, & make her own decisions.

If she is countering your observations with "well he doesn't hit me" then maybe she needs to be reminded that there are other forms of abuse, such as verbal. If she thinks that she can handle his temperment, then maybe she should think about the well being of any future children she may have with this man.

I had a father who had anger issues, & I am still suffering the effects of his verbal bullying at age 55. It never goes completely away.

Have your entire family let your sister know how much you all love her, & will be there for her to give her the strength she needs to leave him. If she says she wants to leave him, but doesn't, then it may be that she stays with him out of fear, & I don't just mean fear of him. It could also be fear of not finding a better relationship, not ever getting married, losing the time & effort she has invested in the relationship, whatever.
Knowing that she can face up to those fears will go a long way to giving her the confidence to leave him.
Good Luck!

Answer 2

The sad thing is that there is really nothing you can do except pray for her. The more you tell her to leave, the more she will try to prove to you how "Wonderful" he is. She might allow him to abuse her, but you don't have to put up with it. You may just have to let her know that you will ALWAYS be there for her no matter what she decides. That if she ever needs you, that you will help her. THere will come a time, when she will get sick of it and leave. She will need a support system when she does. Also, the more bad things you say about him, the more terrible things he will say about you. Things like, "they are just trying to split us up", "they don't want you to be happy", "They just hate me, so they are making up lies". She knows how you feel, so don't try to convince her anymore. Until she comes to you to help, I would just stay out of it. Just keep her updated on your life, invite her to luch with you, all the normal sister stuff and try not to tell her how awful he is. I know that it is hard to sit by and watch someone get hurt, but you kind of have no choice.

Also I would tell her that she is an adult, and that she can choose for herself to be treated like that, but that her children won't be able to make that choice, as they are children. That if she does not protect them, that you won't stand by and watch them be abused.

Other than the children, just let her be. Let her choose him. Maybe if you stop ttrying to convince her, she will see how he is and will do something about it.

You could also set her television so that the only channell she ever sees is Lifetime.

Answer 3

These are one of those situations that you must handle with total care. Because if he is like you are describing they is a chance that when you let he may have begun to abuse her. You must constantly reassure her that you are on her side no matter what. Continue to leave the lines of communication open. If you begin to see that she is becoming distant from the family, extend an olive branch. Trying to have her see things from your perspective is going to be terribly difficult. Just try not t o blame her and try and make sure that she doesn't blame herself.

This man has a serious problem and he needs professional help before he goes to far one day. Pray for your sister daily

Peace and blessings

Answer 4

About all you can do is pray she comes to her senses. Too bad love can be so blind. If you have evidence of physical abuse you may be able to turn him in, but if she won't prosecute him that won't help much either. Sad situation.

Just had another thought, tough love may mean letting her know you all think she's making a mistake and although you love her you won't be going to her wedding. That might shake her into coming to her senses.

Another idea, hire a detective to dig up dirt on him (a person like that might not be the most law abiding citizen in the world), turn it over to the police anonymously and hope they arrest him and put him away.

Answer 5

I will tell you that she probably doesn't have the courage to leave him....She is afraid she will "be alone" or be seen as a failure or somehting....

I was married to an abuser for several years before I finally had the courage to leave.... It starts with threats, then pushes, then it escalates....She probably makes excuses for his behavior and thinks that it will get better....

You really need to encourage her to get a way from him...be sensitive to her, if you are sarcastic, or make threats you will turn her off.....Regardless, I can assure you AND HER....this guy will not change. They never do, and abusers are all the same.

She will have a life full of regret if she marries this guy.... You can not convince her to make changes if you and your family are "hostile" about him in any way....be kind, sincere and supportive. Encourage her to be strong and follow her heart....If he truly does abuse her, she knows inside she wants to get out...she probably doesn't know how....

Best of luck....

Answer 6

Here are a couple of sites that may be able to help you with information. I hope that you are able to help your sister in some way. Even though some people know that they are getting into a bad situation, there isn't any way to convince them otherwise, support is all you really can do for now.

Answer 7

All you can do is give her factual information, and be there for her, try to find out why shes not leaving be supportive, he will probably try to alienate her from you guys,be careful, Let her know you guys love her, see if you can get her to talk to battered woman's or family's in crisis. If you see him hit her or he hits you then he can be arrested. You cant get her away all you can do is give her choices,be her friend and love her. unfortunately she has to leave because she wants to or she will end up back there again. Good luck and be careful

Answer 8

I'd tell my sister she knows how he is and if she marries him I can't stop her from doing that. But know this, I can't stand that SOB and he's not welcome in my house. If he tries to enter my house, I'll call the cops on him and she can get mad all she wants, I don't care. I don't have to put up with him and don't be fooled into thinking I'm going to.

Answer 9

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do besides reiterating to your sister that you are worried about her. I'm assuming your sister is an adult and if that's the case, she has to make her own decisions about staying with him. It's a sucky situation but your sisters has to be the one deciding what to do with her own life.

Answer 10

particularly all you're able to do is shop being a physically powerful, in contact sister to computer screen whats occurring in her life. i could a minimum of (in case you already have not) bring up what his mom suggested, and via that vaguely convey your concerns & see the place she is coming from. yet with a bit of luck your sister isn't the passive/vulnerable style which will stay in a dating, as quickly as violence has befell...and she or he makes it out alive.