I am 29 & my mother is still controlling me to where she pressures me to harm myself. What can i do to stop it

Question

As i self harm my doc and therapist agree its in my best interest not to be on my own when not working so I have to go to my family.When im not at home she is hounding me on the phone.The minute i see my mother i get so annoyed, for no apparent reason. Everything she says is a dig at me, i can do nothing right, havent done for years, despite having my own home and a good job. When she wants something done, i do it, to keep her off my back. Its generally not according to her standards anyway, but she still persists i do it. It consistently makes me want to harm myself (and i usually do). My mother is aware of my mental health issue, but doesnt seem to care. I ve tried standing up to her and explaining to her what in fact she is doing, but her aim appears to be always getting the last word. She is a good woman and i do love her as i know she loves me but i really dont know how to handle the pressure im feeling anymore without causing further harm to myself. Can anyone help?

Answer 1

Do you respond this way in every relationship when in similar circumstances? Don't rely so much on feedback from your mom to determine who you are and how you should feel about yourself. Ultimately, you have the authority (and resposibility) over your thought life and emotions. If you hand that control over to someone else and let them think for you and determine how you feel about yourself then you give them way too much power in your life. You can choose not to let her play that role in your life if you decide that that isn't working for you. You're an adult and have the power to change things or allow them to continue as they always have. I guess the thing you need to ask yourself is, "How much is my current way of life not working for me?" or "Am I willing to put in the hard work it will take to make the changes in my life that will give me the healing, etc. that I desire?" "Am I willing to do whatever it takes?" Maybe consider getting a roommate. However, be aware ahead of time of the relational issues that have gotten in the way for you in the past and be determined to do things differently so the outcome will be different this time.

Answer 2

First, please realize that anything she says has NOTHING to do with you. I know it's a very personal situation and she seems to exploit that, but the reason she does it has to do with her own image of herself. She is probably unhappy in some way and the only way she feels she can control that unhappiness is to try to make someone else equally unhappy. That said, the first step is to try and ignore it. Just take a deep breath and make the decision to not internalize what she says and does.

The next step, like everyone has said, is to get away from her. I don't know if you live with her or not, you don't actually say, but if you do - get out as soon as you're able. If you can't get out, stay away from her as much as you can. Take classes or find a hobby you love that you can involve yourself in to keep the two of you seperate. You only have to stay away long enough to regain control of your self-esteem and your habits of self-harm.

You can't change her, but you can change how you let her words affect your happiness and your sense of worth. Just because she says you're doing something wrong doesn't mean it's true. Compare what she says to what really IS and you'll see that she's wrong. She won't realize this, but it doesn't matter. This is about you realizing she's the one with the problems. You're a good person, you do plenty of things right - try to give yourself some space and time to realize this.

Answer 3

Isn't there anywhere else you can stay when you're not working? A toxic relationship will only make things worse. I don't mean to be disrespectful of your mother, but people with good hearts can still harm the ones they love, because of their own issues. If you don't have a healthy place to stay, you may be better off protecting yourself from your self harming behaviors by admitting yourself to a facility. Can your therapist help you find somewhere?

Answer 4

After reading this yourself, you might want to ask her to please read & consider the following online series of articles, gently telling her how very much it would mean to you:

"If someone you love has a mental disorder, remember that a listening ear, a helping hand, and an open mind can help that one to survive--and even to thrive."

When Someone You Love Has a Mental Disorder
- Recognize symptoms.
- Become informed.
- Pursure treatment.
- Encourage the sufferer to seek help.
- Aviod placing blame.
- Have realistic expectations.
- Stay Connected.
- Consider the needs of other family members.
- Promote good health practices.
- Take care of yourself.
- Some Warning Signs of Mental Disorders http://watchtower.org/library/g/2004/9/8/article_01.htm *

Then, if things don't start to change for the better after a week or two (after she has read them), you might print out the following series, put them in a magazine protector, and leave them in the 'reading room', and read from it yourself. Then you might comment on how you are trying to / how it is helping you to understand her. If you haven't already, perhaps you could even ask her to tell you --if she's able-- how she feels about your problem. You might find out some things you never would have imagined ...

EMPATHY--Key to Kindness and Compassion
- What IS Empathy - Scriptural Examples of Empathy
- How to Cultivate Empathy
- Empathy Helps in Christian Activities
- Cultivate Fellow Feeling
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2002/4/15/article_01.htm *

I've had severe depression before, throughout my teens & then some. The following Really helped me 'find my anchor'!:

How to Find Real Happiness
- Think of Your Spiritual Needs
- Keep your Life Simple
> Happiness and Self-Worth
- Hope--Vital to Happiness
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2001/3/1/article_02.htm *

Hope—Where Can You Find It? :
- Does Hope Really Make a Difference?
- Why Do We Need Hope?
> You Can Fight Pessimism
- Where You CAN Find REAL Hope!
http://watchtower.org/e/20040422/article_01.htm

*(The Web page addresses are being changed on that site, but when that occurs, the Advanced Search engine at http://watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm
will find their new URLs.)

Answer 5

It sounds like you are in a very uncomfortable position. Can you try to just say to her very calmly, "I really need you to stop putting pressure on me. It doesn't help anything and it only adds to my stress." Then walk away. Take a deep breath.

She must not feel very good about herself. Perhaps her own mother was this way, too? Keep in mind your goal: to recover enough so that you can return to your own home and not have to be around her so much. That is your main priority, right? Hang in there. Critical, overbearing mothers are a pain to deal with, but try not to let it get in the way of your getting better.

Answer 6

Is there someone else you could live with until you do get a job and can get your own place? If not it sounds like your mother could use some counseling too. Since she probably won't go alone ask your therapist if you can bring her to one of your sessions and let the therapist talk with both of you. Since part of your problems are caused by your mother I am surprised the therapist hasn't suggestion joint counseling or at least having you mother come with you so the therapist can talk to her too.

Answer 7

That's a tough one. You might try having the doctor speak to your mom and explaining to her what is going on. She may not realize the severity of your condition. If she loves you the way you think she does, she wouldn't want you hurt yourself. You may even have to get her out of her life for a little while. Sometimes parents will tell you that your work is substandard just so they can get you to do better. You have to live up to your own standards and no one else's. Good luck, I hope everything comes out well for you.

Answer 8

Phone??? Let the answering machine pick up your calls. Turn the volume down. If you just have a cell phone. Let it go to voice mail.
Dont let her do that to you! You deserve better than that.
Some people make lousy parents despite their good intentions. You need to set your own "BOUNDARIES" and not let her or anyone cross them! Your boundaries could be something like this:
1. I will hang up the phone if someone insults me.
2. I will spend time at a bookstore rather than with people who hurt me.
3. I will not allow my mother to control me.
Get the idea??? It is YOUR life and you need to LIVE it!
Go to the mall....a coffee house..... a friends...a park....a beach....you don't need to just be around family to avoid cutting, especially if they are the ones causing the need to cut!
Read good positive books...pray....smile....watch comedies and laugh......

Answer 9

tell her to shut up and leave you alone. assure her that you have your own brain and you can make decision for yourself. but, make sure you really know how to differentiate between right and wrong. tell her you need a caring mother who can share her opinion, give advises, listen to your problem so on and so forth and not a tomento. explain to her clearly in what way is she interfering too much or worry too much.

Answer 10

i'd tell her that your mom is coming to help after the toddler is born (will in all likelihood scare off your MIL). otherwise, enable her recognize you opt for time by myself inclusive of your new kin to bond with toddler, and that you'll call her in case you want help (no matter if you received't, it makes her experience more beneficial). tell her "Sorry, all the present playing cards were used. had to get formula, or breast-pump, diapers, and some different very last minute issues. we received't discover the money for extras today, so in case you opt for to apply our stroller, motor vehicle-seat or perhaps with you're welcome to apply ours.". Have her son tell her that both of you've determined staying abode is what's perfect for toddler, so please, be supportive. I actually have a MIL with a powerful personality, so I understand! yet, do enable her to come back visit briefly or she'll develop into more beneficial pushy if she feels disregarded, plus toddler will opt for to carry close and love grandma ultimately. merely enable her recognize you opt for. sturdy success! Getting her enthusiastic about different ideas may actually help her decrease backtrack. "we do not want a sitter/help now, yet in case you should convey your admired meat-loaf, that'd rather help!" . Ask her suggestion on the phone about small such issues as burping positions, and spit-up stains, or ask her to %. up diapers-even with. keep her busy with small issues once later on. once she feels coated she'll in all likelihood supply up pushing so not undemanding. properly, it worked for me, besides!