Recently I was putting them to bed while there mother was out. They started to play up and generally ignored me, I found my self asking them repeatedly, I tried distraction, the soft approach, and negotiation, I wont bribe or get angry, I am an assertive parent but I fear that one day they are going to say you cant make me your not my dad. What can I do to make them see me as a figure of authority, befor its too late?
2006-12-18 02:02:00 · 18 answers · asked by recidivist 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It's a problem, granted. You want to be an assertive parent setting boundaries for the boys, which is a good thing, but at the same time you are frightened that if you go too far, they will reject you. Then you will be worried you are being too soft.
Perhaps the issue lies between you and your wife rather than you and the boys. Are you worried what she might feel about you being strict with them? Do you think that when it comes to it, she will 'side' with them instead of you? What was their biological dad like with them? Are you worried that whatever you do you will be compared with how he behaved towards them? Do you feel that you lack experience as you have kind of been thrown into a ready-made family situation without any of the lead-up period to get to this point?
I think it would be good to have a real heart to heart with your wife. The fact that they take little notice of you I think shows that either they don't take you seriously because they smell your fear and therefore know how to exploit you, or your wife, whether intentionally or sub-consciously, allows them to ignore you, maybe to reinforce her own position as their parent or maybe because she feels in some way guilty for the breakdown of their previous family and bringing someone new into the equation.
If both you and she could present a united front when dealing with the children and if you took the lead, however uncomfortable it may be to start with, leaving your wife to back you up fully and unequivocally, they will get the message that you are one single unit and you are not going anywhere.
2006-12-18 02:14:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
With kids it is there way of testing you to see what you are made of. Thing is you are the step parent and therefor the intruder, it is not your place to disipline the children this is the job of there bio parent and even though you can't let them walk all over you, you have to find a happy middle ground. Try getting the mom involved to talk to them and let them know that you are not replaceing there dad and that you are there to help them grow as people and that you need there help to make life easier, kids love thinking that they are in control. If you give them an important role in your life they will respond you should be a possitive force in there life never negative they have already been through enough!
2006-12-18 11:03:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well they may be six but there not stupid a three year old could control and adult no problem all you have to do is raise the bar increase the sterness like if there watching t.v. and you have it on tape or dvd or w/e and it's getting late give them 5 mins if they take advantage of that then point out that they already have it and can watch it anytime they want and if they still dont listen shut the t.v. off and in a serious voice tell them to go to bed they might cry but sometimes you just have to be stern and let them get over it
as far as the parent thing goes i have a step father since i was like 4 and i dont think of him as it he's my dad and that's that i have def. said to myself in my younger years that he has no authority over me but he does and he loves me too i could never see myself telling him he's not my father to his face
good luck man
2006-12-18 11:58:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The mother must be on your side so tell her she must explain that when she is not home you are in charge. Tell them you are not their father and that you are not trying to take their father's place, but that you care about them and their mum and it is what their father would want as well. Absent parents can influence kids if they are visiting them so DON'T punish them or you will be enemy number 1 - it is their mother's job to do that. You sound like a really nice guy and in time they will make up their own minds so continue doing as you are doing and be nice, calm and firm. Merry X-mas and good luck.
2006-12-18 16:16:26 · answer #4 · answered by georgeygirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you must feel a little sad I´m sure,I think you should say to your little boy´s , that you need to have a meeting with them, first that will make them feel important, then tell them that you know that your not there real dad , but would at least like to be there best friend, and that you are not trying to take the place of there real dad, children these day´s are very clever, sure in time they will come to terms , hope you resolve this and a Merry Christmas to you and your family
2006-12-18 11:12:52 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only way is be stern and don't back down. Children need discipline and they still may say that they don't have to listen to you. That is what kids do, even with their biological parents. Just tell them to go to bed, no excuses, or their will be consequences like not playing video games or computer tomorrow. Then leave the room. If they do not go to bed at the time you tell them to, no privileges, period. They will learn to listen to you.
2006-12-18 10:11:42 · answer #6 · answered by Andrea D. 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do they listern to they're mum?if so she has to talk to them and make them understand that what you say has to be listerned to .You should punish them in ways that they will listern,take toys from them,no treats etc.Be firm and dont give in or once you do they know that they can repeatedly get away with it.Also when they are good reward them,they will soon learn.
You must be a saint taking on twin boys and 6 yr olds.
2006-12-18 16:05:49 · answer #7 · answered by candyfloss 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to discuss this with your wife then have a family discussion with the boys. Your wife and you need to present a united front and let the boys know that whichever of you tells them to do something they are expected to comply. If your wife is willing to back you up on this there should be fewer problems. Boys at that age will frequently try to push their limits but a united, consistent front by you and their mother will help them understand the limits.
2006-12-18 10:12:04 · answer #8 · answered by Country girl 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
be prepared for the (your not my dad scenario) because it WILL happen..... i am a step mum and i have heard it so many times....it used to bother me at first but after a while i used to ignore it.... because i am the one who's been there for them and not their real mum, she left them 10 years ago they have grown now and have turned into 3 brilliant young ladies, and i have 3 more best friends, i love them all to bits and they do with me...these children are in your care...be firm with them...you are raising them as your own hun, act like a dad and put your foot down otherwise they will just walk all over you....also have a Little chat with their mum and tell her about this.
2006-12-18 11:31:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try putting them in different rooms to go to sleep , I had 4 and that was the only way I could keep them from constantly waking the other.
2006-12-18 10:12:46 · answer #10 · answered by c_schreel 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋