It's a long story and I don't need to be judged, but I have not spoken to my mother for over 3 years. After years of tolerating her emotional abuse, for the sake of my mental health, I had to stop contacting her. She moved to another country anyway and has no interest in her children or 10 grandkids.
This morning I received a Christmas card from her - aplogising and asking me to forgive her. Unfortunately I know, she still has the capacity to be abusive and I don't have the stamina (or support) to cope with it.
I realise many people have had a loving mother who cared for them and nurtured them - I didn't - so please don't say "She's your mother and because of that you have a duty etc." If a person was in an abusive relationship with a partner - you would urge them to stay away!
She's hurt me so much and while I could forgive her - I don't want her back in my life - so - what would be the best thing to do?
2006-12-17 22:43:47 · 26 answers · asked by Colette 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
If she has been too abusive then you don't have to do anything at all.
Or you could say that you only want to keep in touch by letter so that you don't meet up or speak on the phone.
This way you could lessen any chance of abuse, also you could tell if she were genuine or not.
Other than that - don't feel guilty for what ever decision you make. You can only deal with what you can deal with.
You mother chose to be abusive so she has to live with the consquences! It's not your fault. There are bad mothers too! Most people have heard of the book "A child called IT"
So do what you can cope with!
2006-12-17 22:59:59 · answer #1 · answered by kiku 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its very easy to be glib and tell you exactly what to do. I to was tormented by my mother until I was 7 then fostered until I was 15 then when I was returned back to my mother in the States, she returned me to the UK to fend for myself after 10 months. I do know what it is to be dragged from pillar to post. So I am not being so glib. I think it is good to keep in contact with your mother as I have done. as once she has passed on there will be nothing you can do to repair anything which you wished you had done while she was here. However if you find it in your heart to forgive her, you must not forgive and forget. It should be made plain to her that you'll keep in contact but any more of her previous behaviour and you'll have no more to do with her. Maybe she is trying to make amends.But why do people wait until Xmas to do this. had she done it any other time of the year, then I would have been less suspicious. Whatever you decide take care of yourself and your family. You sholudn't go through it all again. Be strong and be safe. My sincere best wishes to you all xxxxx
2006-12-18 05:40:02 · answer #2 · answered by d1ckdeckard 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother was abusive physically & mentally all through my childhood. I left home when I was 15 many years ago and never looked back.I never missed her & the way I look at it is that what I came through as a child & teenager with her made me the person I am now, a proud mother of 4 and grand mother to 5 beautiful kids .Ive had all the usual sayings like you only have one mother well thank goodness for that because I dont think I would have survived more than one like her. Be strong and good luck, you dont have to forgive her & you dont have to answer her card think of yourself dont worry how she feels .
2006-12-19 10:37:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Write back, saying that you forgive her, but you can't and wont forget all of the years she did wrong by you, and that this is now something you both have to live with. Tell her that your forgiveness will give her satisfaction that she has longed for, but that you are not ready to re-establish any form of relationship with her and that your family come first and that you will approach her when you are ready, and when the time is right for you.
I understand how you feel, my relationship with my mother was never the best, but recently she has pushed the boat too far and I don't want any contact with her for a while. I need time to move on from her wrong doings that affected both myself and younger brother.
2006-12-17 22:54:16 · answer #4 · answered by Need_to_know 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
As she lives in another country forgiving should be easier for you. Is it only forgiveness she wants or does she want to come back in your life?
It is a shame but you can always choose your friends, not your relations. Whilst you must still have feelings for her, I can understand your reluctance. Why don't you for now reply with a Christmas card of your own and suggest exchanging letters. That way you remain in control and can stop whenever you like.
She obviously knows she hurt you in the past so lay down some ground rules for your relationship. Even if it just to say "Yes, I forgive you, but I do not want you in my life anymore."
2006-12-17 22:55:15 · answer #5 · answered by hotod 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First of all I would like to acknowledge this spammer that seems to stick a completely un-comprehensive reply in every question I've been too and would like to tell him to go play in traffic
Regarding your mother and the card, she seems to know just how to manipulate you into contacting her so she can emotionally abuse you some more, if I were you I would burn the card and forget about her. My mom threw me out on the streets of denver colorado when I was sixteen and she let me fend for myself, again and again and again, since then she's offered for me to come back and live with her. I'm sorry mom, but you threw me out, you didn't want me, you hurt me and abused my emotionally, I don't want anything to do with that, I'm living now, something I didn't think was possible around you and I'm not going to give it up for someone who doesn't care for me! Take care of yourself, follow your conscience, you will fall into the right path.
2006-12-17 22:57:44 · answer #6 · answered by zelin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well i also have an abusive mother and after years of taking her crap i decided to leave home at 15, i stayed with my aunt until i found my own place...she also ousted my brother when she met her (one of many) new fella's...but kept my other sister there because she was HIS....she has never supported me or my bro EVER...she does not care a toss about what we did or how we were....i now have kids and a grandson myself and she wants to see him, i said no, and i am sticking to my guns, she uses her illness to make us feel sorry for her, but she still goes out drinking and partying, so she cant be that ill...her husband is dead now and she expects us to go and see her because she feels (lonely) she should have thought about that while she was beating us up, she never ever once gave us hugs or told us she loved us, and all she ever did was batter us if we got (in her way) sorry to say it but i hate her and i will never forgive her for what she did to us...so thats why i wont allow her near me, or my kids or their kids..a leopard never changes it's spots....i just cannot forgive her
if you can find it in your heart to forgive her then do so...it's up to you, but you know what she can be like, so beware of her, because she may be nice for a short while then turn on you again...if you feel that you cannot cope with her then just don't reply...her demons keep coming back to haunt her that's why she is writing to you...she is feeling the guilt now, and wants you to forgive her so it makes HER feel better....thing is...your scars have not healed yet, and i think that you should just let it go....don't let her abuse you any more...she has done too much damage, if i were you, i wouldnt forgive her either...so i know exactly how you feel hun....
2006-12-18 01:27:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you know what to do. If your life has been better without her then continue with that. Do you wanna risk going back to all that crap. Yes, she is your mother but they have to act like your mother to gain repect. Just by you getting a christmas card your stressing already. Mothers can be very clever. But she could true to her word and means sorry. But only you know what she's really like... Good luck.. I know its hard. emotional abuse you dont need anymore,
2006-12-20 02:52:41 · answer #8 · answered by saika 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi
Not a nice situation. Maybe the best option is to send her a letter saying that at this point in your life you are not ready to forgive her for the past. Let her know that you wish her well, but you need to get on with your life on your own.
It makes you the bigger person to contact her and let her know you don't want her in your life, but it also lets her know that there are still boundaries.
Try and forget about her and enjoy Christmas.
2006-12-17 22:50:37 · answer #9 · answered by Scottish Girl 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You and only you know what you went through and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself and your God as to how and why you feel this way. You are not hurting anyone by staying away from your mother, she is still your mother and if you feel you owe her nothing than you don't. Do not get your family caught up in that crap, if it means staying away then stay away. As you said "you can forgive", but what is the old adage, "but you don't forget", salvage the rest of your life and live it as you see and never regret anything. GOD BLESS.
2006-12-17 22:59:41 · answer #10 · answered by Bethy4 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋