make me smile, who is the funniest on here?

Answer 1

The kippers are the funniest on here! sent

Answer 2

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning

to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the

little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you

yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Answer 3

The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."

Answer 4

Ok, I got a few jokes that I might make you smile :)

There is a tramp on a bus and he sees a nun that he is interested in, so he goes over and sits next to her. The nun gets all angry and storms off the bus. As the tramp is getting off a little bit later, the bus driver calls him over and whispers in his ear that he knows a way he could get what he wants from the nun. He tells him to go to the cemetery on a Tuesday night and wait for her because she usually comes to pray there then and all he has to do is act like G-d and he will tell her what he wants....
Anyway, Tuesday night comes and he dresses up like G-d and goes to the cemetery and sure enough the nun comes along a bit later and starts praying. All of a sudden he comes out from behind he tomb stone and says in a heavenly voice, 'I am G-d and I will answer your prayers, but first you must do something for me!', the nun replies by saying, 'oh yes G-d, what is it that you want...I'll do anything!'. The tramp then goes on to say,that she must have s*x with him, but the nun replies that she is married to the church and has to remain a virgin so could he rather do it up her asss. He says ok and they do the deed. As he finishes, he starts laughing and says, 'HAHAHAH, I'm the tramp from the bus yesterday!' to which the nun starts taking off her nun costume and replies, 'well I'm the bus driver!!!'

Ok, another one:

There are 2 guys and a woman stranded on an island. After a while of being there the woman agrees to having s*x with them because noone can live without it and in no time it becomes a daily thing. Then one day the woman eats something bad and she dies. One day later the guys are still ok....2 days later they are still managing......a week later things get a little bit more difficult for them.......2 weeks later things start getting quite hard for the 2 guys and a little bit unbearable........3 weeks later they are having a really hard time........eventually after a month when things are too unbearable to go on any longer, the one guy turns to the other and says, 'I really think it's time we stop having s*x with her and bury the body!'

My last joke:

There is a guy that becomes a sailor on a ship. As they head out to sea on the first day, he asks another sailor what they do for s*x on the boat seeing as there are no woman aboard. The sailor takes him below deck and points to a barrel there with a hole in it, he says, 'You see this hole? You stick your d*ck in there and do your thing!'. He tries it out and it's great, so he runs back to the same sailor and asks him if he could do this every day. He replies that he could do it every day except Tuesday. Curious, he asks why not on Tuesday....the sailor replies, 'Cos my friend....on Tuesdays, it's your turn inside the barrel!!!'

Haha, I hope you like my jokes! I'l be here all week excepting Friday! *Bow* ;)

Answer 5

This guy owns a male parrot. Every time he brings a lady home, they walk by the parrots cage and it says "Somebody's gonna get srewed! Somebody's gonna get screwed!" After a while he decides to buy a female parrot. He goes to every pet shop in town and can't find a female parrot anywhere. Finally, at the last pet shop, the clerk says, "Well, we don't have any female parrots, but we have a female owl." The guy thinks "Sh*t, female's female, right? He takes the owl home and puts it in the cage with the parrot. That night he brings this sexy blonde home, walks by the parrots cage and the parrot says, "Somebody's gonna get screwed! Somebodly's gonna get screwed!" The owl says "Who? Who?" and the parrot says "NOT YOU YOU FLAT FACED SON OF A B*TCH!"

When I was married we had two sheep. When I got divorced I left them to my ex in case he got lonely. The judge almost wet himself laughing, but told me I had to rewrite my papers so that I didn't get sued! I **** you not!

Answer 6

My jokes are not main stream, would not want to offend anyone now would i!

Some....... tasters
ok

Italy won the world cup after a france player was sent off for headbutting. this is the closest anyone wearing a french uniform has come to combat in the last 60 years.

I may be from Edinburgh but I am no homophobic, infact we have a very large gay community, Leith.

Disabled toilets, Ironically the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Answer 7

A very posh lady was walking around the art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit.
I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art ?" she asked very pompously.
"no,madam· replied the assistant,"its what we call a mirror.

Answer 8

do i need answer that question?

i personally never print a joke that i have seen on here unlike most others
i only post a joke that makes me laugh
and i never answer a joke with heard it before or give it a great rating despite it being on here every other day

and my army of fans love me hahahaha now thats funny

Answer 9

The funniest thing I read was about the straight man with the gay penis, he was having some problems with his head

Answer 10

Mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts went up its @rse
and turned its wool to nylon