Do you find my second short paragraph grammatically correct? Is that the best way to express it? Thanks?

Question

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Dear sir, I recently wrote a short article in a magazine concerning our company's policy on its ADF membership.

*Serving as an additional insight regarding our company’s views and stance on its membership in ADF, I think you may want to place it on the ADF Bulletin.*

Answer 1

Pretty good.
In the 1st paragraph, why not name the publication?
"The Magazine" recently published my article concerning our...
.. the response has been (exciting? use an appropriate adverb) ...
2nd paragraph- leave out the "an" in front of additional and
place it "In" the bulletin not on- unless it's like a bulletin board.

You may wish to include it in the ADF Bulletin as it would serve as additional insight regarding our company position on ADF membership.

Answer 2

I would personally compose the second paragraph like this...

"In order to serve as an additional insight regarding our company’s views and stance on its membership in ADF, displaying the aforementioned article on the ADF Bulletin would certainly be both informative and helpful to everyone concerned."

What do you think?

Let me know!

Thanks!

Happy Holidays!!!

(P.S. The first answer you have received is not grammatically correct by the way!)

Answer 3

... you may want to re-write your paragraph. There is no subject, so it doesn't make much sense, one has to read it several times to understand what you are talking about.

"You may want to place XXXXXXX on the ADF Bulletin, as it would serve as an additional etc etc etc" would work better.

In English, it is always better to avoid complex syntax and passive sentences. Most people skim the surface: too complex will not get the point across, and makes you sound too formal. I assume you are writing for your boss or counterpart, and not for a literacy competition or university dissertation...

And, of course: company's is fine - Companys' is incorrect.