Can I ever forgive?

Question

When I was a little girl(8yrs old) my mother's boyfriend(Now her husband) molested me. When my sister and I told my mother she basically accused us of lying. As the year's went by it happened a few more times. Childrens services got invovled and I was taken away to live with my real dad, he couldn't take care of me so I went back to my mother. Now I'm 24 years old, and I've been through so many changes since then. One bad relationship after the next, I've never trusted men. And I've always been scared to date older men. My mom and the rest of the family bascially brushed it under the carpet all these years, and so have I. We were told it never happened so don't talk about it. I have never had a good relationship with my mother, only decent. But I want to get over this pain from my past, and forgive my mother and now step dad. I'm trying to get closer to God so please tell me, how do I forgive a mother I feel didn't protect me?

Answer 1

Oh wow-- I'm amazed at your resilience and your very forgiving nature.... the fact that you-- at the relatively tender age of 24-- want to have a closeness with God and forgive those who wronged you... beautiful! You are on the fast track to healing and thriving!

First of all I want to say that I am a Christian, and a former Social Worker (20+ years working in the area of abuse). These are some examples of actions that I have seen women take to achieve the results that you want in your life. Some of the following will work for you, and some will seem weird... choose what you want and discard the rest:

**Find yourself a good healthy support community. For some people this will mean joining a Church or other group with spiritual direction. Choose carefully. Ask friends or workmates you respect if you can come along with them to their particular church/synegogue, etc., as a guest, maybe. Get a good sense of how people live out their faith.... are women treated with respect and equality, or treated like they are somehow inferior? Read the Gospels to see how Jesus regarded women. An unhealthy Church community will press women to be meek and submissive and put up with abuse... will look for women and children to constantly give in and forgive while allowing offenders (and they do exist in church communities) to continue to attend church and receive support. There's a lot more I could say about this, but I want to assure you that there are tender caring groups of Christians out there who embrace women with your experience of betrayal and pain and who can nurture you in the faith and in love in a way you may never have experienced before. Pray about finding this sort of community. This will help you to have the strength and encouragement to do whatever you need to do to advance your relationship with your Mother... you'll know what that is. Look for a woman in this community to mentor you.

**I have helped a number of women to break through the negative emotions that block their ability to move from the pain into forgiveness by introducing them to an easily learned and easily applied energy psychology that uses forgiveness as part of the healing protocol. I would like to direct you to the Emotional Freedom Technique--EFT --site where you can download the free Get Started Package at http://tinyurl.com/yh5zhu , or if you want to dive in right away by purchasing the inexpensive instructional DVDsn click here>> http://tinyurl.com/ycwle8 Read the testimonials on this site and you will know how effective this energy therapy is.

I wish you all the best!

Healthia Cynthia
Certified Comprehensive Coach
Moderator for My Monday Miracles
http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/My_Monday_Miracles/

Answer 2

I see no reason to forgive the stepfather, he doesn't agree that anything happened. If you can somehow convince your mother that something happened and that you're hurt by her having turned her back on you and your sister, then sure, maybe there's some value in forgiving her (like the other guy says, that's mostly between you and your god). But unless you're willing to at least tell her that this issue is still a sore point with you, forgiveness is just a mental exercise for you. It's tantamount to pushing the whole affair out of your mind (which probably doesn't help).

But that's just my opinion. Sorry to hear that happened, the stepfather sounds like a real piece of work (an ****** if you will). Nobody deserves the problems you've got.

Answer 3

I feel sorrow for your situation. Forgiveness is up to you to interpret. Your love for your mother in tainted by her love for your step dad (the very man who scared you). It is obvious that an action needs to take place but as you pointed out, you all are in agreement to leave it under the carpet. It is a complex situation and would need more information to resolve. Forgiveness may be obtained but it will take more strength of will then most people are willing to supply. Also the reason behind the forgiveness is important. Understanding why you wish to forgive your mother will give insight to what you are truly after. My guess would be security then peace then love. If you are trying to get closer to God then some might interpret that as wanting to forgive yourself as well. Like I said before there is not enough information to draw any substantial conclusions so I may have over stepped my bounds. Praying for them and yourself may be a good first step. Good therapy and introspection would be good as well. Search for God and his/her wisdom and it will help bring peace. God bless you and keep you safe in the heart.

Answer 4

I think it is important to remember that mistakes are eminent. Everyone makes them. Some are bigger then others of course, but it is part of the "natural man". It is easier to forgive others when you realize you yourself will never be perfect in this life. Now, forgiving someone who has done something so drastically life altering can be difficult, espically since many people say it didn't happen but it is not impossible. God knows...he knows everything. He knows the pain you went through and he died to try and ease that pain. He loves you that much and more. The only way you can truly forgive is to confront your step dad and mom together I think. You are an adult and should be seen as such by them. If you approach the situation and try to resolve it with them, at least you know you tried. That way, you could remove the tension, makes it easier to remove anyway...make restitution. finally realize, that your mom and step dad may still deny that it ever happened, but you must love them despite that. forgiving dosen't always mean forgetting, sometimes it is impossible to forget. You just need to...see them through heavenly father's eyes.

Answer 5

Oh my, oh my. You sound like me many years ago. I tried for more than 20 years to forgive my mother...but since she said (at the age of 10) I asked my uncle to molest me, it was my fault.

You may not forgive...and that's ok...but you will come to terms with it and accept your mother for who she is.

Eventually, I wrote a book about my pain "Don't Cry for Me". Many women have related to my story. I wrote the book to heal me. I published it to help others walking the same walk.

Don't, please don't, worry about forgiving your mom at this time. It doesn't mean you should talk to her or have her as a friend unless you want to. First...you must seek help. Find a counselor, therapist or shrink that you can talk to. What happened to you altered your life in more ways than you can even fathom. Its easier to get over the abuse than what your mother has done.

What your step-father has done is unforgiveable. What your mother is continuing to do is emotional abuse of the highest degree. Physical or sexual abuse can scar our skin, which in time will heal. When we have emotional abuse...that scars our soul. Those wounds sometimes never heal - especial when its betrayal.

Feel free to e-mail me at any time. I'm more than happy to listen and offer what helped me. Don't wait until you've gone through husbands, boyfriends and all the in-betweeners just to get a nice unconditional hug.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...you just have to travel the road far enough to find it.

Answer 6

Do try to get a good Christian counsellor. Most probably and preferably a woman!! If possible, try to find a counsellor who is knowledgeable about the "healing of memories" concept ... that though we are subjects of time, Jesus is not bound by time. I don't know a lot about this but could be helpful ... that Christ can go back in time and help heal your memories from that time.

Not that the memories will be gone. But that you will better be able to cope with them. The memory will remain, but you mgith be abot "to get over" the pain in such a way that you can get on with a meaningful adult life.

It is commendable to "forgive" your mother and even your step-father. But if they will not admit to it, etc. then probably you can not expect them to ask you to forgive them and might also reject any forgiveness you offer them.

HE abused you. And you are going to "forgive" him??
Your mother did NOT protect you? And you are goping to "forgive" her?

If they are "sick" (and must be to act that way), then for YOUR sake, forgive them, they didn't "know" what they were doing. Try not to dwell on what they did to you. Get help to move on with your life.

I certainly can not provide in-depth counselling here ... and I expect few ir any of those who answer on Yahoo!Answers can provide anything like you need.

The best advice, I think, is that you get good competent counselling. Preferably a woman counsellor. IMO, a good Christian counsellor.

Answer 7

When you choose to forgive her, it is you cleaning your own slate. It is not cleaning hers. She has to give an accounting to God for what she did or did not do. I don't know your family, but often, a parent in an abusive situation feels helpless to deal with it because they themselves have been abused. It is an endless chain that is passed down from generation to generation. Until someone breaks that chain and walks in love and forgiveness, the chain continues. What do you want for your future generation? You can bring this change by your choices to forgive and keep on forgiving. Although you were a victim, so was your parent. Satan wants to destroy families. He used those who were the adults to do so. Now you are an adult. Break the chain!God will help you. Nothing is impossible with God.

Answer 8

Most of what you whinge approximately got here in below the final thirteen years of the Labour Government adding our sellout to the EU via Brown.Unlike many I consider while the Nationalised Industries had been privatised and such a lot of them if no longer all are a lot more effective now than they ever had been then.Of path the entire offerings price extra it is known as inflation. Try to appear at the entire errors of the political events no longer simply the ones of the brand new govt.After Blair & Brown the Labour Party don't have anything to gloat approximately and we will need to wait and notice what this govt honestly attain or no longer after they have got been in workplace for longer.

Answer 9

It should be very difficult. Now as you are grown up, i think you should try to come out of your parents house and live independently. Bad things happened only when you had no control of situation, now you can defend yourself. So, you can move on forget past as nightmare due to some idiots and weak people. If you still think that you unable to forget the past, go for councelling, it should help. After all its your future, dont waste your valuable time thinking of past.

Answer 10

forgiving is a gift you give yourself just because you forgive does not mean you have to be best friends with your mother I couldn't even think how I would feel if that happened to me ask god for guidence on how to forgive god will show you the way I will be praying for you good luck and may god be with you