You'd think, you'd think the sun would rise,
You'd fall asleep and shut your eyes.
The moon would fall. -Fall, fall,
As the sun would stand for all, all.
You'd think in the morning you'd wake up.
Your mom to make your food.
You'd take it all for granted,
Until your life subdued.
Moms not in the kitchen,
It's still too dark outside.
A bloody knife is on the floor,
You slowly shut your eyes.
Is mommy in the bathroom?
Is she lying on the floor?
A pool of blood beside her,
She couldn't take it anymore.
You know she's dead already,
As you run to get the phone,
As you dial just 3 numbers,
You run away from home.
You're sitting on the sidewalk,
As the screaming engines roar.
Now Mommy's in the hospital,
On the very lowest floor.
When she asked where Mommy was,
The nurse, she only shrugged.
Nurse told her she was sleeping,
And would not be waking up.
Next time you go to sleep, sleep,
Don't let your mommy weep, weep,
Tell her it will be alright,
And that she'll make it through the night.
2006-12-17 08:25:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
2006© Kate Steinberg
2006-12-17 08:25:46 · update #1
It's really weird. I'm 13, pretty happy, and I write emotional, sad poems. When I was on the first verse I was like, "Awesome! I'm writing a happy poem! " Then I was like, crap! lol
2006-12-17 08:31:24 · update #2
I've written over 50 poems, and NO! Thank g-d none are true!
2006-12-17 08:33:43 · update #3
nice criticism? honey if you are asking you have to be able to take the good and the bad.
p.s. poem is okay, a little morbid for my liking.
2006-12-17 08:29:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow. Quite a traumatic event there, but it is a good reminder that we should think about our parents and their feelings. You never know when one kind word can make all the difference in their life. It reminds me of a time when my mother was very depressed and stayed in bed all the time. I wrote her a letter encouraging her to be strong, and she got out of bed and thanked me.
2006-12-17 16:31:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...
If you were going for sad, chilling, and even haunting, I'd say you achieved it.
Meter and rhythm are fine. Vocabulary is a little simplistic, but I suspect you're young.
Is this based on some real life experience??
If so, I am sorry. I would have it otherwise, if I could.
Namaste,
--Tom
2006-12-17 16:30:29 · answer #3 · answered by glassnegman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have insight, and you express this subtly and powerfully, long, yes, i'll grant that, but not as a fault. also your choice of words such as "mommy" make it seem innocent, in a way. like told by a smaller child. very good.
2006-12-17 16:31:07 · answer #4 · answered by last day of light 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good poem, but one of those depressing ones. People write about things that happen to them or thoughts that they have. If this happened to you or you have thoughts about it, maybe you need to discuss these feelings with someone of a professional nature. God be with you friend!
2006-12-17 16:32:31 · answer #5 · answered by tko43078 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ahh.. it's such a sad poem. But great! It's really great and it makes me think.. I love the poem.
2006-12-17 16:36:21 · answer #6 · answered by free_to_speak 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its good but you should take out the repeated words at the top.
2006-12-17 16:31:31 · answer #7 · answered by ♥ Becky ♥ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a very meaning full poem.Will Bitmore Scram
2006-12-17 16:31:06 · answer #8 · answered by lovely soul with insite 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think overall it's very good..there are a couple of grammatical errors as well as confusion in a couple of lines..but if you straighten those out, it's fab
2006-12-17 16:29:18 · answer #9 · answered by Tek ~aka~Legs! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally love it! It gave me goosebumps...good job!
2006-12-17 16:28:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋