Is this a good intro for a High School research paper? What can I do to improve it and make it longer?
Would you believe me if I told you that Benjamin Franklin suggested in a letter that it may be possible to preserve human life in a suspended state for centuries, which would basically be cryogenics? Probably not but, I will prove it while I explain what cryogenics is, some people who thought it’s possible along with others who brought forth the current idea of cryogenics, organizations that offer cryogenic services and the cost of being cryogenically frozen, and why I am for cryogenics.
2006-12-17 05:48:56 · 4 answers · asked by Avatar89 4 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
Good subject, but i got lost after "probably not but, i will prove------ My advice separate each idea. Then when you elaborate people can put it together more easily. Hope I'm not just showing how dumb i am. Good luck
2006-12-17 05:53:23 · answer #1 · answered by swamp elf 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is really wordy. I think you need to organize your intro better. Also, you never want to use the words ' I, me, you, we ' in a research paper. I think you just need to have a simpler sentence to open. A few sentences on the body of your paper and then a transition. I got really confused while I read your intro.
Most of your sentences are run-ons. Also, at the end of your intro... in stead of saying "I am for cryogenics," you should say "Why I am in support of cyrogenics and its future research." The only reason you can use first person and the use of the word "I" in this sentence is because this part is your own personal opinion.
Leave Ben Franklin out of the intro. Use his thought in your supporting body.
Simply: Blah Blah Blah. This paper will describe the process of cryogenics, the founders, the supporters, and why I personally, am in favor of cryogenic studies, practices and research.
I know mine isn't perfect but you do not need to go all into detail in the opening intro. Remember a paragraph is a minimum of 3 sentences... therefore, you do not have to drag it out.
2006-12-17 13:58:23 · answer #2 · answered by EmTay21 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Simplify the statement. Try somehting like this.
Most people would not believe that Ben Franklin introduced the concept of cryogenics in a letter, but I intend to prove that fact as I explain the overall process and history of cryogenics.
2006-12-17 14:05:53 · answer #3 · answered by Billy FZ1 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the tone is a little too personal for a formal research paper. Try not to use "I" so much. Maybe something like, "Although the technology had not yet been developed, Benjamin Franklin suggested that..." You could also break the second sentence up into 2 or more sentences - there's a lot packed in there.
2006-12-17 13:54:14 · answer #4 · answered by jar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋