Can anyone give me a few jokes on COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS?

Question

I am going to conduct a workshop on Communications Skill on 20th of Dec. I need some jokes/stories which can be used. Please give fresh jokes as far as possible.
Lot of AtDhVaAnNkCsE (Lot of thanks in ADVANCE)...

Answer 1

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

TOURISTS:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious workers in the office; the rest were just tourists."

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

FLIGHT RISK:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

UNINSTALLED:
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn:decruitment.)

CLM (Career Limiting Move):
Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.



How to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers
It has been brought to management's attention that some Individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the **** do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No ******* way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the piss.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a ****.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my ******* problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the ****?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: **** it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the **** didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the **** cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ***.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ***.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ***.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another ******* meeting!!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a ****.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
IN STEADOF: He's a ******* prick.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the **** you're doing.

Answer 2

"He always makes stupid jokes about his little boy dream to join the army" Umm so when he opens his mouth and tells you his dreams, or let you in on the fact that when he gets of age he may join the army what do you do. Call it stupid and make negative comments yet you expect him to listen to your problems, and what you have to say when your not being his support system. Quit being selfish and making the relationship one-sided. He probably feels the same way. Any communication problems you have you brought on yourself so dont act like he is the problem because reading your comments your the problem. It is very normal for a teenage guy not to open up to his girlfriend when she says negative things or makes him feel stupid everytime he says something. LOL no debt. If i was him i wouldnt have prolonged the relationship and let it continue for 9 months because he is on a totally different level trying to figure out what is going to do when he gets older and your still in that love me listen to me childish frame of mind. The truth hurts.

Answer 3

There was a married couple having communication problems, so they decide to see a shrink. He recommends the husband get an animal he can talk to, preferably something that can talk back.

So the husband (Bob) goes to the local pet store to purchase a parrot. What better animal to have a conversation with than a parrot?

Anyway, he asks the sales clerk for a parrot. The Clerk says he has one that can say about 2000 words, for $1000. Bob doesn't want to spend that much, so the clerk says he has a parrot that says about 1000 words, for $500. Still a litttle expensive, Bob decides. OK, the clerk says, We aren't supposed to sell him, but you really seem to want a parrot. We have one in the back that can speak about 5000 words, about as well as any person. The only thing is that it was born with a birth defect. Instead of legs, it has a six-inch penis it uses to grapple to perch. Five bucks. Bob buys it, names it Joe, and takes joe home.

After a few months, bob and joe are the best of friends. One day, Bob comes home from work, and Joe says "Bob, we need to talk."

So Bob sits down, "yeah what's up?"

Joe says "today you're wife invited the mailman in."

"So? He was probably tired form working."

"She asked him if he wanted a drink."

"Well, he was probably thirsty. He has been working all day, you know."

"She started taking off her blouse," Joe said.

"OH MY GOD!! What happened then?"

"I Don't know," Said Joe. "I got a hard-on and fell off the perch."

hahaha..

Answer 4

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs.

Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Answer 5

This Site Might Help You.

RE:
Can anyone give me a few jokes on COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS?
I am going to conduct a workshop on Communications Skill on 20th of Dec. I need some jokes/stories which can be used. Please give fresh jokes as far as possible.
Lot of AtDhVaAnNkCsE (Lot of thanks in ADVANCE)...

Answer 6

Communication Problems

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

Answer 7

The tickle me Elmo joke thats been posted in here like ten times.

Answer 8

Understand the purpose of the presentation
Keep the message clear and concise
Be prepared
Be vivid when delivering the message
Understand what you want to achieve:
Before you start working on your talk or presentation, it's vital that you really understand what you want to say, who you want to tell and why they might want to hear it. To do this, ask yourself: Who? What? How? When? Where? Why

Answer 9

This is an old one on not listening well

Three eldery women are talking

The first goes "My, it's windy."

the second goes "No, it's thursday."

The third goes "So am I. Let's get something to drink"

Answer 10

http://communication-skill.blogspot.com