How do you know if you should get married and (when?) I am very much a procrastinator but not sure what to do

Question

I have known my girlfriend for about 8 yrs ; dating seriously for about 4. We live together most of the time. She wants to get married. I do to I think....at some point. Just not sure if now is the right time. She is to the point where she is going to leave if a commitment is not made. I can't really imagine my life without her; don't want to lose her. I also feel bad because she says if she is good enough to live with then she should be good enough to marry. She feels she has waited long enough for me to decide. I am an admitted procrastinator on big decisions too. I know that if I ever am going to marry that she would likely be the only one. We get along good. I am just happy the way things are right now with a date in futureland. I am afraid things might change for the worse. I still want to be able to hang out with friends and do guy stuff too while I am young...uhm 28 is still young right? I kinda freak out though with the thought of one person for the rest of mylif

Answer 1

I think you need to discuss these things with your girlfriend. Tell her that you are afraid things will change (my husband was afraid of that, too) and that you still want to be able to keep things as they are. Ask her if she would be upset if you were married and you still went out with your friends the way you do now. Chances are, she wouldnt mind. But she is the only one who can put your fears to rest...or confirm them. Yikes!

You said that if you were going to marry anyone, it would be her. But then you said that you freak out when you think of having only one person for the rest of your life. Those are very conflicting thoughts.

I think you need to sort out what you are feeling and what your priorities are. DONT propose to her unless you are absolutely sure that is what you want. Although, technically you can back out anytime before you say "I do."

Obviously this is your decision to make. Think of your life married to this woman who you love. Then think of it without her. Which scares you the most?

Answer 2

This has little to do with procrastination and A LOT to do with the fact that you "want your cake & eat it too", so to speak.
You want the girl but you don't want to let go of that single, fun-loving-guy stuff. Well, you have to make a decsion.

Your GF has given you ample time to decide whether you want to marry her. And I don't think she is being unfair. She has a right to heal from this relationship & move on with her life. And it sounds as though she is willing to do that. Good for her.

You, on the other hand, are still a little boy. Surely in the last few years you have noticed that the relationships with your friends & family have changed. That's the nature of the beast. These relationships do change when you commit to someone because your loyalty is to that one special person. You don't end the relationships, they just take on a new form.

Sit down with your girlfriend and talk with her. Let her know how you feel. That's only fair. She can reassure you that all will be well, but until YOU know it, it will do no good what she says.
If you do not love this woman enough to grow old with her, then let her go.

Answer 3

Hi there,

I would say follow your heart but sometimes your mind has a way of creeping up and overtaking the heart. My cousin's (now wife) left him because he wouldn't marry and a year later he realized he had to have her in his life and if that meant marrying her then so be it...and he did. They have a wonderful relationship and are going strong. If loosing your bachelor status is making you nervous then talk to her about it. Tell her EVERYTHING that is going on in your mind...even the last sentence of your question. Keeping a woman as close to the truth as possible will bode well for a healthy relationship. I will say...that you need to get away from her and your everyday life..even just for a day...just you and the local park and really think on this. If you have to let her go....then let her go. If you love her you will do what is best for her...not what is best for you. Set her free and if she is yours...she will return. This woman deserves a marriage and maybe it isn't with you but she deserves an answer. I hope I answered this well for you and good luck. Feel free to ask me more :)

Answer 4

honey what i think you should do is sit down with her and tell her how you feel and maybe you should get a comitment ring (something shiny and pretty) and tell her that when the time comes that you will make in the real thing. if you love her than whats holding you back? i'm 24 and ive been with my husband for less that 3 years we dated and lived togeather for only one year before we got married i know that sounds irrational to you but when you know its love why put off the inevitable. getting married was the best thing that ever happened to me. you'll never know untill you take a chance. and ps. there is such a thing as a long engagement it will make her happy about the comitment and still give you the space you need to decide. good luck!!

Answer 5

I don't think you have your heart set on marrying this girl. Marriage will change your life-style in way that may not be comfortable for you. I take real issue with her contention that if she is good enough to live with he she should be good enough to marry. Aside from being an attack on your character, it ain't necessarily so. Why does she want to marry you and don't accept the usual reasons. If you are happy with the way things are then you and your girlfriend are on different pages with different agendas.

I married my ex-wife 6 years after our first date. We lived together for a number of years and then I decided I wanted to get married before I turned 30. I got married when I was 29. That was a major motivation, to get married before I was 30--can you believe that non-sense?

I'm sorry that your girlfriend feels that she has wasted time with you. Believe me, life goes on.

Answer 6

Dude, if you have been with her for 8 yrs, living together for 4....why not marry? Sounds like you have cold feet. 28 is young....but you should also be more mature about decisions like this. She was smart to give you an altimatum. you love her and dont want to lose her....give her the best Christmas present you could ever give her. Good luck.

Answer 7

Our marriage ceremony was once round $7,000.00 and we received married in Los Angeles, CA. My favourite factor that occurred was once my husband and I quite loved our celebration, we danced just about all night time. The dangerous matters that occurred had been that the vigor stored on giving out considering we had a DJ and a reside band and the circuit couln't take it. We did have a card field it was once quite beautiful and formed like a three tier marriage ceremony cake. For our honeymoon, we took a 7 day cruise to Mexico. It was once approximately $one million,500.00 for the complete factor and it was once tremendous. The honeymoon we cherished such a lot and we're making plans on taking one more cruise optimistically quickly. The marriage ceremony we additionally cherished however we each agree that if we needed to do it once more, we might have had a smaller marriage ceremony.

Answer 8

SO you been with her for 8 years right? During this time she should have been the only person you have slept with, so why worry about being with one person for the rest of your life? Marry her and get it over with....it's been 8 years, I wouldn't wait this long for a guy to marry me! If you dont marry her, she might think that you dont want to and move on with her life sooner or later!

Answer 9

If you are not ready, let her go, man. She is wasting her good years hanging around waiting for you. If you don't want to be a man and accept a wife into your life, you shouldn't be selfish and keep stringing her along.

Answer 10

My answer to you is to read and answer these question provided by top relationship expert Susan Piver's.

Twenty Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

You may think that you and your fiancé have talked about everything, but have you discussed the issues that will make your marriage work? Answer these questions from Susan Pivers with your partner, and work towards a shared vision of what your relationship can be.


Printer-Friendly Version

Home

What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization? Is one or both of us neat? Messy? A "pack rat?" An organizational wizard?


Money

How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means, and through what efforts?

What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?


Work

How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?


Sex

Am I comfortable giving and receiving love, sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?


Health and Food

Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?


Family

What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? For what length of time?

If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have to their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?


Children

Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want or be able to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? In the months or years following the birth of our child, will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?


Community and Friends

Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially, and do we need to cut back on such commitments?

What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside of our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?


Spiritual Life

Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?