How to prevent from becoming child abuser?

Question

My husband is 23 yrs old, we have a 2 yr old son. He was abused continuosly as a child.
After hearing time and time that victims of child abuse later become child abusers to there children.. he is worried. He doesnt abuse our son but there have been a few occasions where he has raised his voice or tapped his bottom if he misbehaved. My husband does not want to hurt our son but he is worried that he might "snap"... we do not believe in spanking or screaming at our child but when our son does something wrong my husband does not know how to react other than the way he was raised. What can he do to prevent himself from repeating what he was taught as a child?

My husband came from a very low income family, his siblings all come from different fathers, he's never met his father (his father would call and promise to stop by and take him out but would never follow through). his childhood is filled with miserable memories of being forgotten about (his teachers would continuously take him home since nobody would be there to pick him up), he would be horribly beaten by his babysitters & mother when she was around (his mother was hardly home). He was an only child up until the age of 5 when he was given a sister, his new step father would beat his mother horribly and went onto kidnapping his sister... Years later there was a new man in mother's life also an alcoholic and abuser.. my husband would watch in horror as his new step father would beat his new baby brother (only a few months old).... As you can see his childhood is filled with constant abuse.

my husband would be beaten severly... not "spanking and yelling" I am merely stating that we do not want it to get as severe as it was for my husband when he was a child...
protective services was constantly at my husbands home while growing up and was taken out of that home and was sent to live with his grandmother because of the lack of food, the neglect and the beatings.

We do not spank, and hope to keep it that way. We always work as a team but when it comes down to punishing our child.. I take over because he does not know what to do (since he does not want to punish the way he was taught).

Answer 1

First, keep in mind that yes, most child abusers were abused themselves, but it is not exactly a given that someone who was abused will abuse their own children. The very fact that your husband is worried and conscious of it is a huge hint that he's not the abusing kind.

It's totally normal to raise your voice to a 2-year-old. Sometimes you have to, since they don't have many reasoning skills and they must sometimes have a forceful break into their actions to get the point across. Even a swat on the backside, occasionally, isn't abusive. I do get your point, though. Your husband doesn't want to put himself in the position to snap. But unless he currently feels like he's really holding in abusive tendancies, try to get him to understand that he's in a safe environment (meaning he's not exactly in the tempation to abuse).

Counseling would be really good for him, I think. With all the problems he had as a child, talking to a professional could help him work through some of it. Besides, the neglect is much easier to have be a repeat than the physical abuse, since physical abuse is a definate action, and neglect is a slow but serious problem that happens without you realizing it. Talking to someone could help him with all aspects of his past and the past's influences on his parenting skills.

If he feels even a little pull to abuse, even though he keeps it in check, anger management classes and/or parenting classes may be helpful. I hope you both take this in the way I mean it, not in an insulting way. Most of us learn our parenting skills (good or bad) from our own parents. Since he didn't have parents to learn good parenting skills from, he may be benefited by classes or workshops.

Answer 2

I would not worry about it. Just because he grew up in that type of environment does not mean he will do the same. Consider taking parenting classes together. Many community hospitals and other organizations offer this free of charge. Your husband is aware of this so that is good. Here is a number to the Parental Stress Line -- A 24-hour hotline
1-800-632-8188
When the stress of parenting becomes too much, you both can turn to the Parental Stress Line for support and guidance. A 24-hour hotline, the Parental Stress Line is staffed by trained volunteer telephone counselors who care and are concerned about the preservation of families.

Hope this is helpful.

Answer 3

Please, have your husband see a counselor so he can talk about the horrible abuse he lived through and begin to free himself from it.

If you see him getting angry with your son, either remove the child or tell your husband to leave the room and calm down.

Those of you who say it is proper discipline to beat an infant should be shot. Sorry. I cannot think of any other solution.

Most importantly, TALK to your husband about taking his own "time-out" when he is angry and frustrated with your son. Let him know you may need to remove the child from the room and when he has calmed down he can constructively let your son know that he is upset with a certain behavior. Show him how in your words and actions.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a great Mom.

Answer 4

Your husband is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong he is not a child anymore he also knows what is TOO FAR when it comes to disciplining your child raising your voice and an occasional spanking is a good thing. I don't want my child to have no boundaries when she is older so I do what I have to do to get results. A lot of bad things happen to people and children all around the world once you have grown older don't live in the past move on to the future and love your kids, they're very special ...
If he is scared of snapping yous both should of thought of that before having kids.
If his temper increases or he does 'snap' like you said then take your child away, when you have kids their best interests should be first priority not yours or your husbands if you do see that your husbands temper is increasing ask him to see a councilor they could help prevent something from happening.

Answer 5

what your husband needs to realize is that he doesn't HAVE to become an abuser. it's true that a lot of abused children become abusers, but that is because they know nothing else. your husband is a step ahead in the fact that he is aware of the situation, and doesn't want to keep the cycle going. there is nothing wrong with spanking a child, but "whooping" them is wrong. try time outs and putting your child in his room.
if your husband thinks he might fall back on how he was raised, try parenting classes. many places offer them, and it's not only for the "bad" parents. your husband, and probably yourself, are very young to be married and have a 2 year old child. it will just take some patience. if your husband finds himself getting worked up, he can go into a "time out" where he sits by himself to calm down. i hope everything goes ok.

Answer 6

I honestly don't have an answer for that, but hopefully you have shown him love and affection so much that he will want that for the baby as well. Hopefully he will want better for your baby than the past he had. Sometimes abusiveness doesn't carry over....he may have had it so bad as a child, that he never wants to have those negative memories brought back to him. When you are in public, be sure to comment to people on what a good father he is in a subtile way....without it looking like you have to tell people that. Those positive comments will make him feel good about himself and his behavior with your child. I wish the best for you all.

Answer 7

He is already doing the best thing he can. He is being VERY conscious that he can 'snap' and by keeping that in mind he is literally preveting it. The other thing he can do is ask himself, BEFORE he reacts, how important is this [insert situation here} in the scheme of my childs life? For example, if the baby is grabbing a piece of candy that he was told not to, it is relatively unimportant so doesn't require a freak out reaction, just a stern warning. If the child runs out into the street in front of a car...a little bit of freak out is necessary...see what I mean?
Your Hubby is to be commended for trying to break the cycle.
Good luck, HTH

Answer 8

My husband (25) was also raised with a iron fist and everyone was allowed to "disipline" him mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunts etc. It was nuts & he too was scared he would do the same to our children, but he is very good at taking a deep breath before & begins to desipline our children (we dont spank) and if he is too mad he leaves te room & I take over. I rather him do that than snap plus as parents you have to work as a team. But he is the easy one I am strickter, he wants his children to love their parents as he could never love his. Talk it over...make a plan, are there things that will make him snap, that should be your que to take control of the situation & praise him when he disiplines them I know he is not a dog, but my husband likes to be reasuured he is a good dad

Answer 9

Being aware of the problem is a major step in the right direction for your husband. He can also take a parenting class to help him to deal with issues. You could go with him for the support and will find useful ideas to use to rear a healthy child. He would also benefit from sessions with a counselor for the trauma he went through. Blessings to both of you and your baby.

Answer 10

It might be unimaginable to psychoanalyse every body, and it might on no account get beyond the ethics comity. Even if it did come into guidance, it's not handy to make a decision if a man or woman is any of the ones matters. Also, feel of what might occur in the event that they wrongly labelled a man or woman "Potential rapist", it would smash their existence. And humans might also reside as much as the expectancy they're given, despite the fact that they might now not have or else. What might be the one feasible choice might be to deliver mental support to those humans. Many say "how would a man or woman do this?" and the intent in lots of instances is right down to affectionless psychopathy. This is wherein the man or woman unearths it actually unimaginable to peer matters from an additional individuals factor of view or think regret. They don't seem to be mentally healthful. Affectionless psychopathy, it kind of feels, is as a result of loss of attachment to others early in existence. We would support this via exchanging childcare legislation and upping budgets on this field. But of path, there'll nonetheless be kids from abused backgrounds, we can't support every body. As for treating affectionless psychopathy itself, it's complex and there may be little we all know approximately it. And of path, there are humans who don't seem to be affectionless psychopaths and so they kill and rape. Many humans have dedicated so referred to as "crimes of ardour" that is prompted via severe emotional have an impact on. Wether is be transitority, or extra long run (eg hating the man or woman that raped a pal) many humans kill in those "distinctive circumstances" Special in view that they might now not kill a man or woman for "amusing" in the best way a serial killer might. In truth, many humans empathise with "killers" within the correct concern.