Is it fair for me to ask my husband to pick between me or his mother?

Question

Really long story, but basically she is a horrible person. Because of her disrespect, lack of consideration and rudeness our marriage is suffering. Is it appropriate for me to tell him to choose me or her?

She is not a reasonable person, there is NO talking with her, literally, I haven't talked to her since january but she is still a problem in our life, mostly because my husband makes her so much of a priority.

Answer 1

Very inappropriate. You're in a marriage & you'll have to learn to live with her. Besides, he may ask you to leave because you're making him choose.

Answer 2

Right now, your husband is acting as sort of a buffer zone between the two of you. The best thing to do is to take him out of the equation for a time and just ask her why she is being this way. The important thing to do is ask versus tell. Nintey percent of what you say to her should be open-ended questions that she has really no choice but to answer. The other important thing is to avoid the word "you" at all costs. Use "us" "we" and "I". "You" is an acusatory word that will immediately put her on the defensive. So, instead of "Why are you (such and such)", try "I'm feeling a lot of hostility between us, and I would like to know why."

caveat emptor: It may not work in the first few minutes, so you have to be persistent. While you are doing all of this, just remember the Golden Rule. Interact with her the way you would want her to speak to you, no matter how hard it gets.

Answer 3

No no.. U shouldn't ask such a thing to ur husband. Because he might be in an assumption that u understand his problems. U must not make him even over this issue. U try avoiding her but, i don't think its fair to separate a mother from her child. As a mother i think u'll be able to understand what i intend to tell.

Please don't raise such a topic with ur husband. After all, Both of u are important for him. He needs both of u. Please try to resolve it with a little more patience.
Its very easy to break relationships but its seriuosly very hard and infact immpossible to rejoin. Relationships are like a stick. If its broken even though u try sticking it again. It might stay together but it will never be that strong as to how it was before the breakage.

Hope u have a happy and peaceful life. Goodluck!

Answer 4

While your feelings are normal, about dear old mom. There's a few things. If your husband does not have the same issues with his mother that you have, then it's not right. If something were to happen to his mother, who do you think he would be angrier with? You think your marriage is suffering now? It would be a nightmare because the time he lost with his mother would be blamed on you and you would never live it down.
The civil thing to do, is let your husband know where your coming from. She is his mother and it his duty to straighten it out. He needs to approach his mother and let her know what's going on. He needs to be a man and give her an ultimadum as far as coming to your house or family functions. If she fails to change her ways, avoid her. But don't ever ask him to give up his mother.

Answer 5

Why does he have to choose between his mother and his wife when it's the wife who is miserable?

Wife - if you're the one who is not happy this is a decision you will have to make based on how you are feeling. Be careful what fire you throw his way because you might be the one who get burnt in the end. (Blood is always thicker than water).

So who is the problem? Is it him or is it her? No matter how horrible his mother is, that is still HIS mother. If you're expecting him to feel the way you feel toward her, then you're going to lose this battle.

It is fair to let your husband know how miserable you are when it comes to his mother. It is fair to let your husband know that you need his support. But you can not and should not expect him to feel the same hatred that you feel.

It will now become the responsibility of your husband to balance and separate the two of you. His first obligation is now to his loving wife. He should not let his family or anyone else come between his marriage. And the same goes for, he should not let his marriage come between his relationship with his mother. He has to learn how to balance HIS world and still end up keeping both of you in his life. The problem seems to come from when he tries to connect you and his mother together.

Wife- if you love your husband, you wouldn't dare want to see him suffer and put him through hell when you know that his mother is important to him. What happen to you loving and supporting your man? If you love your husband you too will find a way to be able to share your husband with his mother.

Do you have kids? Will they have to pick and choose between you and their mate? Which end of the stick will you end up on?

Hopefully this has help you. Keep your focus on your husband and not his mother.

Answer 6

I have been in your shoes and it is no fun. BEFORE it happened to me i would have agreed with everyone who says it isn't right, fair, etc. But how do you deal with a mother in law that lies to you and your husbands face, steals from you, treats you like you don't know what is best for your family, and is basically crazy??? I told my husband he could either stand up for me were his mother was concerned or me and the children would have nothing to do with her at all. I did not want my children to learn from her how to manipulate people and lie to get what you want. The only option i saw was for him to take care of the situation with her or she would not be a part of our lives. He could go see her but the kids and i would not. For a long time he knew better than to even ASK me to do anything with her. He did confront her and know she keeps out or our business. Not exactly the close family happily ever afters are made or but it is better than being upset all the time.

Answer 7

No it is not the right desicion to make!You are not only putting yourself in a predicament but him aswell.It is not about her it is mainly about you and him.Instead of fighting and arguing you should talk to your husband and see whats bothering him and try to solve it between you both only but do it without an attitude..Remeber your wedding vows that you guys made.Marriage was not intended to be broken off at all.In the bible it states that god dislikes divorce.He put people in marriage to be in one spririt.Meaning not arguing,being selfish;you guys are suppose to work with each other and be there for each other.You guys are suppose to be loving.For it states true love will not let a soul perish.Our god is a loving god, ask him anything and he will answer.I dont know exactly your situation but your not in a marriage to just end it off because of someone.Whether or not she is being rude, she is not the problem your marriage is.Disregard her anger you shouldnt allow her to provoke you to anger because all its doing is causing you stress instead you should flip the script and show love even if its irritating.Think about it do you still love your husband?Does he still loves you?Then why should you test your marriage for someone who is acting like that.Dont lose your blessing because of her.You see the devil wants you to give up and get mad then get depressed.You should not allow him to manipulate your emotions.I can tell that you dont really want to be in that situation and your hoping he will say yes to you but if you ask him that then your really disrespecting him.It would be as if your questiong you love!Think about god and what he brought you through and pray about it to him read corinthians too.Trust me god can work it out for you if you let him and do what you conscience say and not your mind because your conscience is god.

Answer 8

No, you should never do this. She is his mother and the only one he will ever have. He loves her and this would be hard on him. If you love him, you will try to work out the problems between you and her. If they cannot be worked out, sometimes it's best to just bite your tongue. She will not be in your home long, do this for your sanity also. I have some words of wisdom, I know exactly what you are going through. E-mail me if you like, we can talk, it might make you feel better. The feelings you are having are oh so normal.

Answer 9

That would put him in a difficult dilemna. After all, she is his mother and did raise him. Have you tried sitting down with hubby and talking about how you feel? I do mean discussing it without saying things that would make him feel defensive. Maybe the two of you can come up with some sort of compromise such as limiting the amount of time she visits with you.

Answer 10

You can cause him to pick you without ever asking him to. Try reading the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, it may help. Usually if a man feels cornered by two women, he'll push against the pushing the hardest.

Good luck! ;)

Answer 11

I can tell you from my own personal experience with this same situation,I never made him choose,but in time he seen for his self,it was his mom with most of the problem's,and he chose himself to stay away from her for awhile,and once she seen he wasn't going to let her control thing's anymore,then after a few year's,when she seen he meant it,then she was the one that decided to change to some degree,and now she live's with us,and when she tries to pull her crap,he just set's her straight with the situation,and usually she does better for awhile untill the next time and then its same over and over,but believe me there's still been time's that if it gets real bad he will tell her if it doesn't get better, then she will have to move,and usually that work's for quite some time.But all and all it's alot better than it use to be,because now she know's she don't have the control over him ,like she thought she did.So she has learned now ,just how far she can push him.And with me I just try and get alongwith her to make peace and we do have fun together sometime's,so what I will suggest to you, is just let your husband decide what to do, and it will all work out,just talk to him and let him know how you feel,but don't make him choose cause you don't want to make him have to make that decision.For you just don't have any thing to do with her and he will see in time believe me.