My mother passed away this year, and I have not celebrated any holidays. Is this unfair to my family?

Question

I have not been the same since my mother passed away in May. I have cancelled all holidays, and not have been able to celebrate them at all,. My mother was my bestfriend, and she died on my sons birthday; while I was out celebrating with him. I would like to know if you think that I am being unfair to my children, and or myself. I feel so guilty about being at the Cav's game when she passed away.

Thanks everyone for your answers.
I guess the real reason that I feel sad, and horrible is because my mother was having a hard time breathing, and she called my cell phone that night. However since I was at the Cav's game; I turned off my cell phone. When I went to my mothers house to check on her after the message. I found her dead. The last thing my mother said to me on the phone line was to get help. While driving home; I called my brother who was at work, and he tried to call her. and she did not answer. I calle 911 and met the ambulance at her house. This was the worst moment of my life. My mother called at 6:45, and I did not respond until 10:14 she was dead by this time.

Answer 1

First of all I know how you feel,I lost my mother & father 3&1/2 month's apart,but you have to continue your life for your children and your family that is still alive,and enjoy everyday that you all wake up and are alive,and you have to remember that when your parents,parents passed they didn't give up for you and your family when they passed,so you have to live your life for your children now and do the best you can.Believe me it is very hard,but I'm sure your a very strong person and it will take sometime,but it will get easier as time goes by,it's been 2 years for my mom and almost 2 years for my father,and I still have my day's,but it does get alittle easier everyday,you just have to try and keep the family traditions alive for your family and do the best you can do,it will be hard but you can do it and believe me when you see those smile's on your children's face you will be glad you did and you will feel so happy that you did,the way I do it is I try and just think of the Happy times,and that's what get's me through it everyday.Please do this for your children.I live 2 house's down from my parent's house and I was as close as close could be to my parent's, so I know exactly how you feel,but please trust me it will get easier with time.Take Care and Merry Christmas & Happy New Year's.

Answer 2

This is grief and guilt at the same time. You are blaming yourself for not being there with her when she passed away. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT DEAR HEART AND YES IT IS UNFAIR TO YOUR CHILDREN. You say so yourself. Please enjoy the holidays with your family. Your mother would want you all to be happy. You must have had a very strong bond with your mother just as I did and I was devastated when she died! Then I got the shingles...Just a week before she died we had an argument over the phone and I hanged up on her for something she was telling me that was unfair... ( It was out of love, now I do understand it.)
A good thing I did call her back the day after and we made peace otherwise you can certainly imagine the remorses I would still have after 17 years? She died on a holiday by the way. I do not feel like celebrating but I do not stay alone that day.

Find it in your heart to do something special with your children and they will be so grateful to you. Your best friend would approve of this. Food for thoughts. Have a loving holiday time with the wonderful memories you had with your mother. Pass them on to your children. It will be good for you. Trust me. I travelled that road.

GBY.

Answer 3

I understand that you are broken up by your mother dying, but would she really want you to deprive your children and yourself of a normal life? I don't think so! Have Christmas. Remember all the happy times that you had with your mother by telling your children so the memories stay alive!

I felt terrible that I couldn't be with my mom when she passed, but things are how they are. You can't change that now. You have to make yourself move on and raise your own children. Don't be so selfish to drown in your negative feelings. It isn't good for anyone.

Make some cookies, get a tree and some lights. Enjoy your son. It's not his fault his grandmother died! Live while you can!

Answer 4

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry for you. This has to be so hard on you.
Here's an idea that I hope eliminates your guilt and their restraint.

Give them a timeline.
Say, you will be in mourning for "such and such" amount of time. Until then, no "official" holidays will be celebrated in honor of your mother.

If they have a difficult time dealing with this then maybe a "non-traditional" sort of celebration should happen.

Go to a friends house where the sights sounds and smells don't remind you so much of your mother.

Let them celebrate in a traditional way as you take a "vacation" and go to some nice pleasant place that is away and you can shut it out until you can cope.

Or , now I know this sounds scary, but...
Make the holiday in honor of your Mother.
Bring out pictures of her....bake/cook her favorite dishes, wear her favorite sweater...etc...

Bring her into it in a way that honors her.
It might be painful but it could be a healing experience.

I hope this helps and God bless you and yours.

Answer 5

You need some help and let yourself mourne. You can not punish your family and children just because you are sad and feeling guilty. I am sure with time things will get a little better. As long as your mother knew you loved her and you know she loved you then keep her memorie alive and share this with your children. But do not punish your family and keep the celebrations away...

Answer 6

I think you r being a little selfish, but not on purpose. i don't know what losing a mother is like but i lost my sister 2 months ago. She died 2 days before her 36th birthday. As hard as it is on holidays, i try to make the best of them. Of course, they're never going to be the same but your children would see the effort that you put into it and they would be thankful. My advice to you is celebrate the holidays--don't you think your mother would have wanted you to? At least try, put forth some effort and see what happens. I wish you the best and luck and support.

Answer 7

That poor landlord sounds positively stupid. You do not inherit the leases or debts of your mother. You were not a co-signer. End of story. Tell her to pound sand. Don't engage with her on the phone or in writing. She may try to sue your mother's estate, at which point she needs to hire a lawyer and go through the trouble of tracking down the executor for your mom, which is probably not you, so you won't have to be subjected to her rants. I am very sorry about your loss, estranged or not.

Answer 8

I understand< how you feel. My mother in law passed away 2 weeks ago. And Christmas is going to be hard on all of us, especially my daughter who is 12, my father in law and my husband. But ask your self something, would this be what your mother wanted.? For her grandchildren not to smile and be happy here at Christmas. Or would she have wanted them to have the best ever Christmas. I am taking my daughter this week to get a 2 ft tree and some small ornaments to take out to her grave side and decorate it. Because she loved Christmas and she loved seeing my daughter smile and be so excited Christmas morning....that i know she would have wanted us to be happy and celebrate the real meaning of Christmas. And for me, I just have to think what better way to celebrate Christmas than with Christ himself.

Answer 9

Yes you are being unfair, look what you are doing to your own family. Everybody has had a loved one that passed away. You have to start living for the moment, I would think you mother would prefer this than what you are doing to your children, her grandchildren.

Answer 10

girl, let me tell you, after mom died in 1995 of lung cancer, the family fell apart. i could barely swallow my food at the table in front of my dad. you will get better at this and you are grieving. it took me about ten years to actually be happy and relaxed again without mom. you'll be fine and if you explian why you don't feel up to celebrating, people should understand. or you could have a few like 3 or 4 people over for a very small short get together nstead. relax, you will be ok and im sorry.