does anyone know some really good jokes
not rude ones plz
thanx so much
2006-12-16 06:01:20 · 17 answers · asked by Shaina K 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
knock knock
who's there?
cargo
cargo who?
no, cargo beep-beep!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn?
she had mettens
there are 3 kinds of people in the world
those who can count and those who can't.
a duck walks into a drugstore and asks for some lip balm.
"cash or charge?"asked the clerk.
oh just put it on my bill...
knock knock
who's there?
little old lady
little old lady who?
i didn't know you can yodel
did you hear about the car with wooden weels, a wooden engine, and wooden seats?
only one problem: it wooden go!
Did you hear about the peanut who called the police?
He said he'd been assaulted.
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says to the other:
Hot in here isn't it?
And the other one screams:
Ahhh! A talking muffin.
What's the capital of Alaska?
Juneau?
Yes, but I'm asking you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupti-
Mooooo!
What's the difference between an elephant and a mattahoney?
What's a mattahoney?
Nothing, but thank you for asking.
My dog has no nose.
Then how does he smell?
Terrible.
Did you just pick your nose?
No, I was born with it.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you won't live much longer.
Patient: how much longer have I got?
Doctor: ten
Patient: ten what? months? weeks?
Docter: nine. eight. seven...
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
She got a rash of good luck.
Patient: Doctor, everyone keeps on ignoring me.
Doctor: Next, please.
2006-12-16 06:31:38 · answer #1 · answered by Becca 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.
2006-12-16 12:45:03 · answer #2 · answered by summerbrze 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
swartzenegger has a long one, most people call the president by this, the pope never uses his every man has it even your dad what is it?
their last name lol got you
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. A table!
Q. What has 4 eyes but no face?
A. Mississippi!
Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A. Nacho Cheese
2006-12-16 06:38:09 · answer #3 · answered by ♫ 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A ventriliquist is performig a show with his dummy and he is making a bunch of offensive dumb blonde jokes. So a blonde in the crowd stands up and says that is really rude and starts getting really mad. So the ventriliquist says I'm really sorry ma'm i didn't mean to upset you and the blonde says I'm not talking to you I'm talking to that little $h!T on your leg.
2006-12-16 07:39:33 · answer #4 · answered by Justin 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It was on a local radio station....
This husband and wife were having a really important dinner. The wife realized that she didn't have any snails to cook. So she sent her husband to the beach to go and get some fresh snails and he filled up a bucket. Well he got tired and looked around the beach and saw a really beautiful lady and said to himself "man I wish she would come over here and talk to me." Well she did and he ended up waking up LATER that night beside her and realized..."OH **** THE DINNER!" So he hurries up and grabbes his clothes and the bucket of snails.....Gets all the way to the top of his stairs and Drops thee entire bucket of snails back down them...His wife opens the door pissed asking where in the hell had he been~ AND he looks back at the snails and says...................."C'MON GUYS WERE ALMOST THERE!!!!!!!!"
I laughed like a reject and forgot I was all by myself....so I laughed even harder.
2006-12-16 06:04:28 · answer #5 · answered by Lila 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
a guy wakes up to find a dark figure standing on the other side of the bed
>who are you? the man asked
>"I am the angel of death it is your time" the guy said
>no no no! i can't go please!
>very well "sigh"
>oh thank you all so much!
>but!.....you can only go back as a hen or a dog
>A hen
>very well
the next thing the guy knows he's a hen in a farm!
>"come on new guy....how are ya liking it so far?"
>it's o.k i just feel bloated inside
>that's cuz your gonna have an egg!
>AN EGG????????!
>how do i do that?
>just relax and tighten
and the guy kept on doing that
>WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD YOUR *****ING IN THE BED!!
2006-12-16 06:45:47 · answer #6 · answered by gnarhobbit 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
2006-12-16 07:05:50 · answer #7 · answered by Deli Ozy 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
ok um here they go
little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t." lol i love that one but i have a =nother one but it is way too log
2006-12-16 06:31:28 · answer #8 · answered by im lost come and find me 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
What would happen if the Courier company's Fedex and UPS Merged ?
You would get a new company called FEDUP
2006-12-16 17:10:29 · answer #9 · answered by zune 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Teacher: If the price of one banana is $2. How old am I?
Student: 46
Teacher: Correct but how?
Student: There is a half mad aged 23 and you are full mad i.e. 46
2006-12-16 06:09:23 · answer #10 · answered by akandaa 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋