I have hinted to my BF that maybe he should move out to care for his troubled 12 yr old son. He said, "If I move out and _____ is living with me, and he objects to you coming over,you wont be able to come over because now it is HIS house." I realize you have to put your child first as a parent, but a parent should set the rules, especially when the child has emotional and learning difficulties, and many problems getting along with other people, including family members. The child is unpredictable, with a history of violence a few months ago at school and with his mother about a year ago.My BF expects everyone to cater to his son the way he does.I say he needs to be a PARENT, one who sets the rules, not allow his son to say who can and cant come to the house. The boy visits now where I live with my BF. I own the house. I didnt let him come here for a month once, because he shoved me, cursed at me a few times, and left messes all over the house. Maybe he is trying to get back at me.
2006-12-16 03:51:00 · 13 answers · asked by eastcoastdebra 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
we have a serious relationship, we are living together. he will probably have to move out because I cannot have the child living here, because honestly, I am scared.The mom can do longer handle him, so she lets him do what he wants because"He is bigger and stronger and I cant stop him" He has had a cold for months because he sleeps with the windows open and fan on, and will not "allow" his mom to take the fan away and close the window. It is wintertime here in New England.
2006-12-16 04:01:55 · update #1
The adult needs to be the adult. Your boyfriend is the one who pays the bills and should be able to have whomever he wants to over at his own house, regardless of what his son says. that is one of the stupidest things i have ever heard! tell your boyfriend to grow a sack and tell the kid no every once and a while.
2006-12-16 03:53:30 · answer #1 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Fellow New Englander, I think the parents seem to have lost some of the parenting control. You never mentioned if the child was going through therapy, or if he has been diagnosed with some type of disorder. No matter how big you get you always know that there's a line you just don't cross with your parents. They seem to have forgotten that, and maybe it was never set with him. Easing him into your home is probably the best thing. Treating him like your own, is a good idea. Children can detect rejection very easily, and maybe he senses some hostility from you, therefore not making it any easier. If you think it's better that your BF moves out, then maybe that should be the course of action. It's easy to tell people what to do, but it's hard to take it if you're the one being told you're not a good parent. You do understand that telling your BF that he has to move out, if he takes his son, is giving him an ultimatum and making him chose between you and his son. So if you can't be an equal partner, and help in his life, then the right choice is to help him move out. If he does go to a therapist (if he doesn't, he should) and you guys can discuss the transition with the kid. How it's going to work, what will happen, what the rules are, and what the consequences of those rules are. Some positive has to be given with some negative, and your BF needs to understand he CANT GIVE IN, and it HAS to be consistent. The kid needs something positive, with out having to earn everything. It's hard to feel like a failure all the time. I've gone through this with my son, so I have a pretty good idea. We've had to learn what triggers these behaviors, and I know that it's mostly that he felt inadequate, his feelings were hurt, and he internalizes everything. Something happens at the other end of the world, and he blames himself.
Is it possible that your BF said that to provoke a reaction from you? Sort of like, if you want to be with him, maybe you wouldn't recommend or hint that he should leave.
2006-12-16 05:33:41 · answer #2 · answered by Brandnewshoes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't say in your post if you had children yourself but from the tone of your question my guess is, no, you don't. I think you'd see this a bit differently if that experience (parenting) was part of your life.
The boy is not the anti-Christ. He's a kid with some major problems at this particular time in his life. From what you described he could be suffering from any number of disorders including autism which would account for some of his bizarre habits as well as clinical depression which would explain the anger and that's on top of the upheaval he's already gone through with his parents' divorce which he most likely internalized. This isn't really a matter of whether or not he should visit or you should visit or even who's in charge. This is a question cloaked really in the problems the child has as to whether or not you should continue your relationship with this man who's got a kid you neither understand nor like and my answer is...no, do not continue the relationship with the father. Here's why:
The boy is going to be a gigantic part of his father's life for the rest of his life whether you're in the picture or not. Period. He's not going away, and should you put your foot down and do a "him or me" routine which is often the case when one partner is not a parent, you will (hopefully) lose. You said your BF "expects everyone to cater to his son the way he does." That's probably a sweeping generalization but he probably DOES expect the woman who says she loves him to cater to his son who's obviously really troubled and furthermore, whether he can articulate it or not, is suffering. If nothing else, look at this boy and know he's suffering. You're inconvenienced. He's suffering. Know the difference.
Until you can have some compassion and empathy for the boy and are willing to become part of the support system of people who genuinely care and can look beyond his issues and see a glimpse of a human being in there which will hasten and help his healing and growth, you have no business with the father.
As to the father being too permissive or allowing the boy to run all over him, well, there's a whole history there between father, mother and son that we here can't see that has contributed to all of that. Most likely the father s either doing what he has to do to keep the kid on an even keel or he feels terribly guilty that he has possibly contributed in some way to the child's problems with his own failures or both.
You don't appear to be prepared or willing to learn how to love, care for, i.e. accomodate the needs of the son -which meets a critical need for his father- and without that, you'll just be contributing an even more hellish dimension to an already difficult situation. Bottom line: Find a man with less baggage.
2006-12-16 16:43:20 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is possible. Um the way I see it Is the child is troubled about something whether it be the fact that is parents split or that maybe he has seen such behavour in the past. Not that it's your place to say anything but has counselling been approached for the boy and his parents. That may be all he needs. Maybe some respect, and to know that he is cared about. Maybe he blames the split of his parents on his mother which could explain the violence towards women, Not that he should be beating on anyone, but there must be a reason. And his father and mother have to get to the bottom of it before it gets worse. If he doesnt want you in there space his father your boyfriend should respect his feelings.
2006-12-16 04:02:11 · answer #4 · answered by missjewl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not THAT unusual. Children often have issues seeing their parent with a new boyfriend/girlfriend. They may resent the attention the date is getting. Also if this child is having issues... the LAST thing he needs to have to deal with is accepting a new person in Dad's life...also, it's not a good idea to bring dates around a kid until you know that it is a serious relationship or all the child sees is a string of people coming in and out of his life and won't want to get attached to any of them
2006-12-16 03:58:00 · answer #5 · answered by Kirsten I 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seriously this sounds like more trouble than it's worth.It sounds pretty obvious that the kid wears the pants with the parents.He's only 12.Probably to late to change things to drastically.They've let him act this way for to long.The father is probably always going to choose his overbearing child over you.Maybe you seriously need to think about this and have a serious talk with your boyfriend.Leave him alone for a while with his kid maybe he'll realize he misses you and finally lay down the law to his kid.It's not just you no other woman is going to put up with this behavior either.Good luck!
2006-12-16 04:36:53 · answer #6 · answered by lady2 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The kid is clearly the boss here.It is up to you as to whether you want to be a part of this situation. The kid will be out in the real word in about 6 years, and be in for quite a shock when he realizes the entire world does not revolve around him.
2006-12-16 04:56:43 · answer #7 · answered by Melissa 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think the situation is hopeless for the boy. His mom has given up on him and his dad puts his girlfriend first. There is no way he will get a stable home. So just forget about him, he's headed for juvenile hall and later for prison.
2006-12-16 08:43:17 · answer #8 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Walk away! Until your boy friend learns how to deal with his son there's nothing you can do. The only thing you can do is suggest they both get some help. It is very clear the boy misses his mother and his father allows him to be the 'decision maker'. Just walk away...........
2006-12-16 05:14:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's trying to control you and the situation, not the child.
You dont decide who visits based on who the child wants in the house that particular day or time. Thats not how it works.
Especially when its one of the parents who has right, nd duty to see the child.
2006-12-16 03:59:46 · answer #10 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋