How long to wait for a marriage proposal before giving up?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We've lived together for 2.5 years. I want to get married, and he keeps blowing me off.
He has a good job and makes really good money. I'm just finishing up college and already have offers for job interviews. I'm not saying we have to get married tomorrow, but I'd at least like an engagement ring.. or a promise ring.

My sister got married in August & he said weddings are expensive and he adds other comments like i dont have a job yet, I dont make enough money..etc. My moms offered to pay for the wedding.
I've already told him that if we were to get engaged, i would be happy with that for now. At least then I'd know he had good intentions.

He bought me a diamond ring in July as my birthday present.

Everytime we pass a jewelery store now, he says I already have a ring. I know it was a ring just to make me shut up..

how much longer would you wait for him to propose?
why does he avoid any conversation about marriage?

I don't want a big wedding. Just friends and family. It doesn't even have to be fancy.. something small and simple.. like I said my mom said she'd pay for everything anyways. I just said I dont want to get married in vegas.. other than that I'm open to details. I hate big lavish weddings. i'd rather have a small wedding and let my mom pay for a honeymoon.

Answer 1

Honey sadly you are waiting for something that may never happen ...

I was in a relationship with my ex for 9 years. We lived together in one form or another for 6 of those years and we were engaged for 5. Stating all those things we STILL never got married.

I like you (I am sure), was very upfront and forward with my wants and need to get married. One of my biggest dreams is to get married and start a family. I thought i was on the right path to have this happen with my ex. We met in highschool and after 3 years living apart so I could finish getting my AA in college I moved in with him and his parents. I was so happy and thought it was all moving forward.

My friends and parents kept giving me problems and were always asking me when we were going to get married. A year after I moved in I got a ring for xmas (which I later found out was only to make my parents stop giving me a hard time) I again thought it was all on the right track. We moved out of his parents into a house of our own and I thought any day .. any day..

Well I'll tell you even after dicussions and proding and tears that day never came. When I brought up the subject he said marriage was just a paper so what was the big deal or you're still going to school we couldnt do it anyway.. or we dont have the money. Like you my parents would have been willing to pay for it.

I had told people for years that I had been engaged for 3 years.. it wasnt until I sat down and realized I had waited 5 years that I freaked... Its so easy to wait and to hope and to dream cause its SO MUCH what you want. It took me an entire year to finally go through with breaking up with him and deciding to move on.

I cant tell you how much time is too much and when you should move on, but I can tell you that if you are asking that question then the odds are you have hit that point. When I left my ex he swore he was in shock, he promised to marry me, he told me he didnt want me to leave. And yes I could have married him, but what I found out is after all that waiting.. I DIDNT WANT TO ANYMORE.

The best bit of advice I can give you is... TREAT yourself RIGHT. You shouldnt have to beg / threaten/ remind him to marry you. He should WANT to marry you and in the end you can't make anyone WANT anything they have to do that for themselves. Its a crappy road to be on and I am so sorry you are going through this.. but you will make it through and I know you will be better off.

On a side note: I am now with a new man and have been for 2 years. Things are going great and I have not had to fight push or beg for anything to happen. Its refreshing and it means the world to me. I say give him his ring back, break up and test the waters. If it was meant to be and he finally truely decides he WANTS to marry you, you can always get back together. Just make sure he isnt acting out of reflix or fear cause those dont last when you go back.

Good luck *HUGS*

Answer 2

Why should he marry you when he is getting the milk for free. You have waited this long and as far as he is concerned what is another 3 years. So far from what I have read he is the one calling the shots in your relationship if that is what you want to call it. So what he bought you a ring, he should have done that 2.5 years ago. If he doesn't want to marry you now, he is not going to marry in the future. Otherwise he would have done it within the 3 years you both have known one another. You are making excuses for him too. After all you say, "I'm not saying we have to get married tomorrow, but I'd at least like an engagement ring..or a promise ring." Please! He should have married you long ago. You need to start calling the shots girl. Finish up college, get a great job, but when you do, dump him. There will be someone out there that will appreciate you and marry you alot quicker than 3 years. Unless that is of course you like waiting, and excuses and..and..and. If he truly loved you he would marry you. Plain and simple.

Answer 3

There's an old saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Before you moved in together, did you all ever discuss where the relationship was going? Did you discuss marriage and having kids? Did you ever discuss what would happen if one of you wanted to accept a job out of town or even out of the state?

I have never understood the concept of moving in with a person immediately after meeting them. For all intents and purposes, he's very happy where he is now. He has a woman to come home to every night and someone to split the bills with... he doesn't need the paper.

I strongly believe that if we could go back to a time when marriage and living together actually meant something, we wouldn't be so quick to rush into these relationships. But in the day and age where 'shacking up' and quickie marriages and divorces and celebrity relationships have all become the norm, those looking for that level of commitment are very disappointed.

Complete your college education and if he hasn't set a date by the time you graduate, it's time to look for a place of your own or stay with him and accept that you may never get your dream wedding or even a marriage certificate.

I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Sweetie, I think you know the answer to this question in your heart simply because of the stuff you've observed: he's avoiding talking about marriage and when he does talk about it, he has lots of excuses about why it's not a good idea.

You want to get married. He doesn't. He isn't ready to commit. It's that simple. How important is getting married to you? Is staying in a relationship with him more important than getting married? Or is getting married something you really want out of a relationship, something you want enough to go look elsewhere?

Once you decide that, you can sit him down for the chat: "Either we commit to getting married at some point or I leave. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow, but I need to know what direction this relationship is going in. Marriage is something I really want out of life."

Along with that discussion you can listen - really listen - to his concerns. He's bringing up issues about weddings being expensive and your not having a job. So - does it have to be a big expensive wedding? Is there some way to meet in the middle? What can you do about having a job, which is a good idea anyhow because it's good to be able to take care of yourself? Or is he simply making excuses?

Sometimes guys are just plain nervous about the big "M" and can work through their issues with some therapy or a kind ear. Other guys just aren't ready to settle down and if you have one of those, you'd probably be wise to not try to coerce him into getting married. The last thing you need is some angry petulant guy resenting you for the "loss of his freedom", even though his life really wouldn't be much different than it is living with you right now.

The right guy will commit at the right time. If you want marriage and this guy isn't at all interested or even willing to discuss the matter, it's probably best to move on. Cut your losses, lick your wounds, and move forward with your life.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Four years is way too long to wait for a marriage proposal. Because once one proposes there is still a matter of making preparations that can take up to a year or more. After investing one year with an individual you should know whether or not you want to make that commitment. You should ask him if he is contemplating marriage and if it will be with you. Are you willing to wait another four years?

Answer 6

Im actually going through the same thing and I understand that waiting for an actual proposal can be frusterating. Maybe he is just scared of marriage because many guys assume they are loosing theyre freedom. I think at the most it should take a guy 4 or 5 years tops to propose, and like i said he probably avoids it because he isnt emotionally ready for the concept of marriage

Answer 7

One thing that people say that I don't understand is that before two people get married, they should make sure they are secure financially. I don't believe that. If a couple were to marry and they truly love one another, they shouldn't worry if one person has a job and the other doesn't. I know people divorce over money problems, but usually in those cases, there are other issues. Maybe your man is afraid of a commitment as big as marriage. There is nothing wrong with that, just give him time. All guys are different. My hubby and I both wanted to get married so bad we couldn't wait! If he is ready, he will ask you. If you truly love him, you will wait.

Answer 8

well, this is coming from a guy, so it may stand a moral line of trust, but i think that it is vital to go to any lengths to make sure that you are committing the rest of your life to a person who will never doubt their own level of committment and never give you a reason to second guess that you are the center of their world. we all deserve that, and too many people have such a flippant attitude towards marriage and love. anyway, heres is my suggestion. you have to have someone you completeley trust, but also one who he totally trusts also. send them in as if totally unknown to you, and they should be having a usuall conversation as freinds and aquaintances do. then they should subtly ask a few things that would expose his level of his true focus on making a future with you and a decent proximity(without spoiling the surprise) of his idea of how far you guys can go. if you have been together three years i say this.....no you don't have to get married now, but if he hesitates at all after three years whether you are undoubtedly the one he will marry(whenever)...then you are not experiencing the magnitude of adoration that a woman gets when she is with a man who knows he has found the one........and that is a feeling everyone deserves to know......good luck.
to be blunt though, from what i read, you are in a hounding and prodding position constantly just to pry a little comfort and security that you are not wasting your time, and it seems that the answer you are getting is that you are wasting your time.....
think that every moment you are with the guy who has to be tortured just to get a sweet comment, is time you are robbing yourself of spending with the man who WILL remind you daily that you are the only woman on earth.........that is a fact.....haul ***.........................

Answer 9

think u already know the answer, gal.

He is just not that committed to you and doesn't want the commitment.

The stuff about you not having a job and so on are just excuses.

If you can't take it anymore, you have to decide whether you want to continue cohabiting with him.

As to whether he will ever want a lifelong commitment to you, can't tell. He may either come round to it later in life or he may find someone else with whom he wants the commitment .

If I were you , I wouldn't tell him that if we were to get engaged, i would be happy with that for now. That is , like, a compromise and a desperate plea , almost as if you can't get marriage and are seeking some kind of validation - any validation - from him. He's not obliged to give it to you and he looks like he doesn't want to, either.

Answer 10

Ask yourself why you are wanting to marry him. Money should not be an issue when it comes to getting married. Ya'll should get married because ya'll are in love with each other and want to work at spending the rest of ya'lls lives together. Talk to him about why he keeps making excuses. He has reasons, you just need to know what they are. There are way to many possibilities as to what his reasons could be for us to help you make a stable answer for your question.