Fiancee's children? Help please....?

Question

My fiancee has 2 kids, ages 7 and 9 from a previous marraige. We have them every other weekend and almost all the time over summer break. Well, the thing is, is that they are sooooo troublesome. They contsantly fight, not normal sibling rivalry but punching each other, kicking, and so on. They are also destructive too! They pull paint off of walls in our home, have torn the curtains in their room off the wall, broke their light, and broken other things by fighting. They don't listen at all and nothing seems to help. His 9yr old will cry and pout when she doesn't get her way or she isn't allowed more food when she's had more than enough. His 7yr old just laughs when she gets punished like its a joke and will continue her actions. Also, his 9yr old has been caught by us stealing things from our home and at stores and no matter what we try, she doesn't realize that it's wrong. The sad thing is, is that their mother doesnt care and my fiancee really wont try to fix it. Any help!

Pregopop....family therapy will not work since it has already been tried and hasn't helped. I dont discipline the children since I know that it is his responsibility. I have talked to him about their actions and he just does nothing about it since he always uses the exuse that it's too hard to do anything since he only sees them on weekends but refuses to talk to his ex wife about their actions. Thanks for the help I appreciate it.

His children think of me as their friend, which they have told me themselves without me asking. They are always excited to see me when they are with us. I do treat them like they are people and show them positive reinforcement and such.

To the mom....I am willing to help the whole situation but it really makes it very difficult when my fiancee always says just butt out and stay out of the middle of it when I do honestly try and even sit down with him and talk about the situation.

Answer 1

I'm sorry, but the picture you paint doesn't bode well for the future at all. There are three main killers of a relationship- money, sex,and relatives. In your case, the relatives in question are two children, out of control and likely to get worse. They are already a strain on the relationship, obviously, and are not going to change. Neither parent is stepping up to parental responsibility plate, and you can't make them do it. You also do not appear to be willing or able to do it yourself. Things are not going to improve with time, because these children are only going to get older, and into bigger trouble. Eventually, no matter how much you love this man, the children will destroy the marriage. Although counselling would be of great benefit, as would classes in parenting skills, both take effort and time to produce results. It doesn't sound like anyone is willing to put in any of that, so you should seriously consider cutting your losses at this point and moving on to a relationship that isn't sabotaged from the start. I know this sounds tough and heartless, but it is truth. I trained in family and child counselling, and I have way too much experience with these scenarios to believe this will work out. There simply isn't any help that will work in this case. Get out now.

Answer 2

The kids act this way because neither of their parents has taken responsibility for their behavior. It would be a challenge to change their behavior at this age, but with consistent discipline, you could see improvement.

It is your problem because the kids are destroying your house and your property. What about after you and their father are married? Will the kids continue to live with their mother? Will the kids continue to visit on weekends and the summer? It will be even more your problem after your marriage. But if the mother and father do not want to do anything, there is not much you can do by yourself. If your fiancé won't fix it, then you must decide: stay with him and accept it; or if you can’t accept it, end the relationship.

Answer 3

Personally? I'd run away fast. I know you love him but if there are these problems now what is it going to be like when they are teens? I can tell you from experience that things only get worse after you are married. And you can't really ask him to abandon his children.

Oh and then there is the joy of them coming for the entire summer when your husband just wants to "try it out and see if it helps". On top of that, your finances will be crunched until they are finished with college.

The fact that your fiancee is not concerned enough to fix this problem would send up red flags for me too. Do you really want to spend the next 11-12 years dealing with this? On top of that, they may not be such nice adults either, in which case you'll still have to deal with it. They are his children. They aren't ever going away.

So sorry :(

Answer 4

First off, the guy you’re marrying is an idiot.
Second, only a bigger idiot (Sorry but me honest opinion) would marry him.

You are going to end up with these kids and then you are going to go through hell. And then if you have kids, is he going to help, NOPE. He’ll just say, “Look how much I screwed up with the first 3 so I don’t won’t to mess up these kids.” He’s probably thinking that he can pawn the kids off to you when they come over to visit. The ex-wife will probably also try to have you take over the kids full time since you have “Stable Marriage”.

Also, if a kid says that they fell that you are a “FRIEND” to them, it just means “Please don’t turn me in when I’m stealing money from you purse”. No adult should ever consider herself a friend to a child – that brings you down a step from a respectable adult figure.

Come on, wake up of this man and his kids are going to be your nightmare.

Honestly, childbirth should be a privilege rather than a right. Look what type of demons he has produced and there are far worst kids.

RUN!!!

Answer 5

First you need to think your relationship over if your partner isn't willing to try and con- troll his kids and put some ground rules down it will be hard for you to because you are not the parent. You need to be a parental figure but you are not the parent. You need to see if you could go to family counseling together so your partner can see how this behavior is inappropriate and there needs to be guide lines in place. Find out what the child loves the most and if you take that away as a punishment I mean no threats take it away allot of times parents threaten to do something time outs and so on but then don't do it so then the child learns hey! they say don't do it but they never do anything about it. Kids are smart. If your partner or you say stop doing something and they don't stop the first time that is when you put words in to affect. Don't wait tell the 3rd time you say no. Mean what you say. I am speaking more to your partner. Hard love it is hard oh my gosh is it hard but let me tell you it works I am a mom of three and a childcare provdered children need rules structure and yes lots and lots of love no spankings or ideal threats they will still love you and your partner but you both need to be on board. If they don't get it at moms thats ok you can't controll that but in your home you can. They will still love there dad and have a great deal of respect for you maybe not now but when they grow up now they will do the blam game. But they will truelly love there dad and you if you try. I am rambaling on I say talk to your partner and sugest counsling because you can't do it if he isn't on board. He is a weekend dad and summer dad sometimes they are afraid if they set rules there children will not love them. The only thing he will get is disrespect from them. They will love him if he sets rules....... I don't how great that advise was but I hope it helps alittle...... I hope it works out for you. One more thing listen to the kids really hear them allot of time we don't just listen to kids they have lots to say.....................

Answer 6

You should go to family therapy, this is something that needs personal attention, it is a complicated layered situation. You must not discipline the kids, that is your fiancee's job, if you do, it will create resentment. Children are acting out to get attention, negative attention but to them any attention will do. Give them lotsa love, patience and understanding and become a stronger and healthy family by getting some professional help.

Answer 7

If he wont do anything its only going to get worse and you will be put in the middle alot . If I was you Id give him an ultimatum. Do something to help your kids or leave him. Think if you had kids of how he would be . H e doesnt want to deal with the kids he has now he wont be much help to you if you have your own. good luck
God bless

Answer 8

they sound like incredibly sad children.. they have gone through a family break-up at a young age; their mum and dad share custody which is unsettling in itself as it involves moving a lot; and their mum and dad don't discipline or seem to address their bad behaviour. i think these girls want attention.. often when a child does not get the love and affection it needs, it will behave badly in order to invoke some sort of reaction from a parent (even if it is a negative reaction). you need to sit down with your partner and tell him he must discuss the situation with his ex unless he wants his daughters to remain in tormoil. top tip: praising good behaviour is all too often forgotten about. ignoring bad behaviour generally teaches the child that that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated. don't forget they are children and you are all adults. sounds like the three of you need to grow up and quit blaming little kids who are going through hell

Answer 9

If they are coming to the house that you live in you have every right to set ground rules. It should be up to the father and he is obviously not going to do anything about it. Tell him you will not tolerate their behaviour like this anymore and both sit down and work out ways to disipline them for their bad behaviour and reward them for their good, it will take time and patience and COMMITMENT by both of you. They will act out worse before they realise that their behaviour is not welcome in the house and eventually they will come around. If not run as fast as you can and never look back.
Good luck

Answer 10

They are acting out against the divorce or you being there. Do not punosh them, you are not mom. If dad refuses to maybe you need to reconsider the man you are marrying.