My kids and her kids fight. Any ideas?

Question

We have four kids each and we would have merged now but the kids don't get along so well so we are holding off. Has anyone been through this that could give some advise?

Mine are 4 boys (5,7,9,10) - She has 3 girls (4,8,9) and one boy (3).

Answer 1

Ask Dr. Phil. Actually, the kids are acting out because they are all afraid that they will lose attention or get pushed away. I would take the kids on outings with the two of you two by two to start. Take one from each who are closest in age and see if they can share interests and become friends. Then go on to the next two. Once you get them 2x2 getting along, then add another one to the outings.

Listen carefully to what the kids are saying because therein lies the hints regarding underlying causes of fights. Involve them in the merge. Will they have to share rooms? What don't they like about each other. Have them sit down and write what they like and what they don't like on two column paper. Then have them compare notes. Are they afraid of having another boss?
What is important to them? Are they afraid they'll have to give up everything, their privacy, their toys etc.?

Have a favorite food night wherein each child takes turns choosing his favorite food for dinner. Then require the whole group to be civil at the table. Lay down ground rules for discussions at the table. No bickering, no teasing, no insulting. Have each of them state something they like about one other person. Tell a joke. Have meetings and lay out a problem and ask them to help you solve it. Once they feel like they are involved totally, they'll learn to work together and have fun together. The fighting won't stop entirely but you'll see a spirit of cooperation develop.

They'll have someone to share chores with. Someone to play with. Make a list of chores and things that must be done and have them choose which ones they'd like to do. If they fight about the choices, then write the chores on individual slips of paper, fold them, and put them in a bowl or a hat. Have each child draw one. Let them trade if they want but they are each responsible for getting their chores done.

Make sure each child has their own safe place -- their own space with a lock box that they can put their precious possessions in. If they go to that place, no one should bother them, including you. The only exception is if the child is endangering himself. Teach them anger management and cooling off periods.

Tell them about the plans to merge and ask their feelings and concerns. Address those concerns by asking them for their input. What would they do. Then merge and let them see how the two of you solve your problems.

It isn't easy but delaying will not make it easier. It will just keep reloading the problems and the two of you will be unhappy. Have faith. It will work.

Answer 2

Not that I've been through this sort of thing before but my first thought is this: Are they really fighting over the remote or bathroom or their toys or are they really fighting for attention? With that many kids, I can see where they might all of a sudden think you and your fiance are less than attentive. It might help for each of you to spend some quality time once a week with just your respective biological children like playing board games or video games or going to the park so they feel like they still have your attention. Then try to find something everyone enjoys doing together so you can build a relationship as a family. I wouldn't think forcing them to be all buddy-buddy would work but if you wrap it up in a pretty package like going to the zoo or to look at Christmas lights or roller skating, they will hopefully be too busy having fun to realize that they "don't get along" Most kids are really flexible though and I'm sure this rough patch will pass. Time and attention. That's what I think.

Answer 3

Been there done that and still going through it. A lot of it depends on the two of you. Do you agree with how to handle things when the kids act out, do either of you have one way with your kids and another with theirs? I grew up with step-brothers I now have step-kids and kids. My parents were great from the very beginning they sat us all down and said here's the deal we are going to be a family and you can make the most of it or you can be negative about it but this is what we want and we have the right to be happy just as you do but it will be better if we can all be together. Did we all fight yep and there was always the you care more for your kids and your kids get by with more but they firmly reminded us we were all treated the same and the same was expected from us all. My step-kids tried every dirty trick in the book to keep me and their dad from getting married because dad was more laid back than I was and could care less if you could walk through the bedroom while I want order, his kids and mine would fight each other over everything and swear you didn't love them if you sided with the other one BUT their dad and I were happy together. After we got married we sat down together made out the house rules and consequences for breaking them, we did it together and it was the same for all kids. We sat down with the kids told them what was what and said as far as the fighting they were old enough to accept life isn't always fair and nobody always gets there way and we didn't want to hear all the petty stuff if they had a serious issue then yes but over who should have control of the tv no they could settle it amongst themselves. We still have battles but each time it gets a little better. If you walk away from happiness because that is what your kids want then you are letting a child run your life. As long as the adults are on the same page you can make it work.

Answer 4

Kid's fight. Lock them in a room for an extended period of time together they will either kill each other or get along. Since I have seen this done a lot over the last 30 years I am betting they will get a long. (Don't really lock them in just put them together where you and your girlfriend do not inter fer)

Answer 5

It is difficult to try and get all of the kids to get along with each other because your kids and her kids have different upbringings and I am guessing that your kids do not want to be disloyal to their Mom when they are together with your girlfriend and her kids and also, I think that it is going to be hard in trying them to get along but, it is up to you and your girlfriend to decide what to do with this big problem you both have. You are going to need more than good luck with this big headache you both have. I hope that things would get better with time.

Answer 6

Wow. Perhaps the Brady Bunch has come out on DVD.. maybe you can get some tips there?


Seriously though, try a family counselor.

Answer 7

Why not wait until they are grown? After all, they are just kids who are hurting because they have lost their families. They need attention from their parent, not to divide that attention with some new chick.

Answer 8

All young children fight. My brother and I were particularly bad, until our parents started to get strict about it. We learned not to fight real quick. They also made us talk things out and we werent allowed to yell. That made a major difference! Today, he and I are very close.

Answer 9

Two words: Battle Royale.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Answer 10

Discipline, discipline, discipline.