So...how do I get respect from a stepchild?

Question

Before I discuss this at all I want it known that I don't want to hear that I (as a stepmother) should not do anything but bow down to my stepchildren. My husband works 60 hours a week and their Mom hasn't seen them in 2 years. I am essentially a single mom to 5 kids and literally days go by without Dad getting to see the kids more than a few minutes. That being said: I am so tired of my 5 kids doing nothing. I rarely even reprimand the kids because of the reason above. But I do occasionally (like twice a month) bring all 5 kids in for a family meeting about responsibility and cleaning up their messes...not putting holes in the wall, etc. EVERYTIME I try to discuss these things with the kids my 12 y/o stepdaughter does the same thing. "I want to call my Mom". With Mom being very irresponsible she sympathizes with my SD which makes things worse. So I end up backing off and get the phone after I am done talking. So in the middle of a meeting she asks to call mom..your response?

I should add that this is literally almost the ONLY time she asks to call her Mom. Unless I am trying to get her to clean up her messes or help around the house she NEVER asks.

bearcatz, thanks for the response but please keep in mind that I am not talking about your normal messes. Here is an example of the messes and destruction JUST TODAY: My 7 year old step son using the top of my fluffly NEW couch as a trampoline and ripping a foot long hole in the fabric. My 12 year old stepdaughter took the audio video cords from all of the house, tied them together and then tied the cords to a tree to make a jump rope. Most of them a stripped. My 9 year old stepson used my one month old kitchen stools as weights to build up his muscles. He did this from the top bunk in his room and eventually dropped a stool and broke a leg off. Keep in mind these are only one example per child. There is a broken mirror. Several spills in my kitchen. Dirty clothes and pieces of paper cut up all through the house. Are you truly saying I should ignore all of this and "mind my own buisiness"?

Please believe that I am VERY respectful to my children AND stepchildren. I take them on walks daily. Today, for example, I taught my stepdaughter and old dance I used to do, taught my 9 year old stepson how to twirl a baton and sang christmas carols with my 7 year old stepson. I think my problem is that I am TOO nice and way too giving! But then again it's the whole "I'm not their Mother so keep my mouth shut" thing. I love these kids but there MUST be a balance of respect...and my husband is a total softy. He would spend his last 20 bucks to take them to Chuck E. Cheese regardless of the messes they have made or what they have broken.. So, yes, he is part of the problem. But then again, so am I...by allowing things to go on as they have been.

Answer 1

start making demands of your husband. He is to help set down rules, instead of letting you just do everythingfor his lazy disrespectful brats. Anddemand respect from the kids. Tell the 12 year old what to do, and if she refuses, ground her to her room until she does. Tell her she can call her mom right after she does what she is told. Your husband has put you in a bad place where only the both of you together can get you out of. Set chores for thekids, and make a chart so your hubby knows who didn't do what and let HIM punish them. if he doesn't side with you, leave, things aren't going to get better. he doesn't want a wife, he wants a maid with sex on the side.

Answer 2

You need to seek family counseling.

The issues here are only touching the surface. The actual issues involve the relationship you have with your husband. How you and he were going to handle the children and the "ex" should have been discussed long before the "I do's".

Now the children are wild, seemingly raised in 2 houses with no rules. You are watching these kids and saying its got to stop, but it needed to stop long ago. As time goes by your own children will start emulating the step children.... and won't that be fun.

On the short term, "I want to call Mom" is answered with, "as soon as you clean up the mess you can call your mother, but understand that I am the law in this house and when you are at your mother's house she is the law there." If her mother has an issue with that.... too bad, it's not her household.

Answer 3

FIRST of all. Their father NEEDS to be more involved in the daily raising of HIS children. By not being involved HE is abdicating HIS responsiblity and pawning it off on you and the kids know it. As far as cleaning up their messes. If it's their bedrooms, shut the bedroom doors. That's what I learned to do and I'm not a step mom. Beleive it or not they finally do break down and clean their rooms but it is on THEIR terms nagging them simply does not work. Secondly I think the privelige/behavioral system should be implemented here. When they behave they get priveliges, when they don't behave they don't get priveliges and the 12 year old can call mom until the cows come home but that's the way it is going to be. Priveliges consist of anything they don't NEED for survival, (ie television,videos, video games, computers, telephones, stereos). If they need to use a computer for schoolwork make it a FAMILY computer and put it in a "public" part of the home, NOT in someone's bedroom. Kid's do NOT need computers or televisions/videogames in their bedrooms. They need beds, clothing, books and "quiet time" toys in their rooms, bedrooms are for sleeping and relaxing.
Then when a child behaves all day they get the privelige of their choice...an hour of computer time, a favorite television show, etc. But most important their father has to become more involved in their upbringing because he IS their father. If he can't be then maybe he should start thinking of giving their mother sole custody.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, none of this is going to change unless your husband gets on board with you. I understand that he works many hours, but he must take the time before school or after school or on a weekend to instill and enforce rules that you and he make together. The kids must see that you and he are on the same page, and that you both mean buisness. It is okay for the kids to want to hear their mother every once in awhile. But you are really their mom and they must respect you. That being said, they can't respect you unless you show them respect as well. I was a stepmom for 6 years before my ex and I divorced. My stepdaughter was 5 when I met her. It is not easy, and I only had one stepdaughter to deal with. You have 5 which is really a lot. I give you a lot of credit. I hope you can get your husband to help you soon before things get out of control for you. Good luck!

Answer 5

Ok, my stepson moved in when he was 14, Mom did not want him, he was running away, failing in school.

I tried being a nice person, did not want to yell at the kid, but enough was enough, his room was a disaster. One morning, I told him to clean it, I was going shopping and would be gone most of the day, he said, 'I don't have to listen to you, you are not my mother.' Before I could break his little neck, I left. His father sat there and did nothing (par for the course).

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store and picked up 2 steaks, and 2 lobster tails. I got home and throw on some baked potatoes to go with the lobster and steak. He came out of his still disasterous room and said wow...surf and turf. I set the table, for 2, he comes out and said..where is mine...I said 'I don't have to cook for you, I am not your mother.' He ate PB&J that night.

He learned at this point, that I deserved respect and I could make his life very miserable and things got better from there.

Stop cooking, doing laundry, etc. When they start cooperating with you and helping out, you do the same. It may be difficult for a while, but they will catch on. By the way, don't discuss it with them. Tell them that is the way it is and that is that.

Answer 6

I would suggest that you have your husband, their father, sit down and discuss the way that he, as their father, expects them to behave. Sit down with your husband and let him know what is going on, and how you need his support to keep things reasonable while he is away, then have him and the kids sit down and talk. Have him tell his kids how HE expects them to do chores, how HE expects them to be respectful to all adults and whatever else the problems are, let him tell his kids that HE expects good behavior. I think that if they are approached by their father with what he expects and what consequences HE will hand out if they don't do these things, then you may get a better response, not to mention, then it looks like a united front. Maybe, too, your husband should start setting aside at least 1 day a month that just he and his kids spend some time together, it gives you a nice break and them the special time that they need with their dad. (My dad did dinner with us every Monday, just the kids and dad, it was good to have just dad, and I LOVE my stepmom)
Good luck.

Answer 7

Amanda, first of all, KUDOS to you for taking on children. Most people wouldnt do it, but WE are special people!!! I know how hurtful it is to be living in someone else's shadow. The Bio mom is always a topic that hurts any step mother. Here is what you do. First, make up a chore chart. One for each child. Second, Make up a list of rules. ALL children from ages 3 on up are old enough to have chores. It teaches them team work, and how a house is to be ran. Instead of sitting down with them all together, set them down one by one. Tell them what you expect of them. CHildren crave structure and disapline. They are doing these things to get your attention. When they jump off the couch, or do the other things you mentioned, they want your attention. When you see Little Suzy doing something good.. say.. "WOW.. SUZY! what a great job! I am so proud, and you are such a great helper!" The other children will scurry to be like Suzy. When your 12 YO says she wants to call her mom, say... "okay, but before you are done, I would like to talk to her and tell her what is going on here.." See if that doesnt change the situation. Being a step parent is hard.. and it is trying.. but you are the adult.. and they need to realize that. You are doing a great job.. keep it up.. get onthat chore chart.. and teach them how a house is to be ran!! KUDOS to you for doing what you do!

Answer 8

This makes me sick. My step-mother was the closest thing I have ever had to an actual mother and love her as much as I would love my real mother!! Put your foot down. Don't allow her to call her mom. Say calmly "You can call your mom after the meeting is over" Take away privileges for the destruction they do. Don't feel guilty. You don't want these kids to grow up not knowing a thing about the real world do you?

Answer 9

I know sometimes you probably want to rip their heads off, but you really have to be the best ADULT you possibly can be and not go down to the their level. I've been both a stepparent and a stepkid, and have seen first-hand how some adults really don't know how to handle kids. If your resentment is showing, especially if it has to do with the fact that they're some other woman's kids, and not necessarily the things they're doing, then no matter what you say, they won't respect you. You guys absolutely have to get counseling.

Answer 10

First off, don't let her call her mom at that moment. You let her win. When the issue is fully resolved between you two and you feel that she doesn't have any ill feelings about you, then she may call. Her calling her mother at that moment shows utmost disrespect to you, but it is a totally natural reaction for a child. It happens in our home too, my son only asks to call his dad when he's in trouble with me. I won't let him until later. It's not fair that your husband is gone so much. You didn't say how long you've been there, but for a long time, your job as a step-parent should have less to do with parenting and more to do with making friends. As a strp-mom, especially if their mom isn't in the picture, your role is going to take on a lot of negative heat whenever you play the parent. They will resent your presence since they really want their mom to be something she isn't and they can't have what they want. They are hurting. In the first year at least, your role should be to get to know them individually and show that you respect your place in the family and understand that they may have mixed emotions. Spend one on one time with each child to develop a personal relationship with them as an individual. Teach them things that no one else has taught them. Create your own mark in their lives. As a step-parent, you have to earn their trust and respect. It isn't the same as with a birth parent. Unfortunately, since your husband is away so much and you are left with them, you've been forced to take on the parent role it seems before you had a chance to do the aforementioned. This is not fair to you or the kids. This sabotages any chance to earn their respect. Trust me, respect is hard to get kids to show even if you are the birth parent! Dad should continue the responsibilities of parenting the way he did before you came along, until you've had adequate time to develop relationships with the kids. This will go a long way in ensuring your authority as step-mom once you start to work in things like discipline and house rules. This does NOT mean that the children are allowed to walk all over you. At no time should a child ever be allowed to show disrespect to another adult. At this stage in the game, since you seem to have no choice but to do most of the parenting, you need to be tough and CONSISTENT. The familt meeting is a great idea, but unless you follow up discussion with results, it's useless. If they don't take responsibility for chores, there must be repercussions. You have to hit them where it hurts though. Find the thing that each child favors the most and go after that. Tell them that life is full of choices. They are old enough to make choices and so they will. They may choose to do the chores and earn your trust and respect, or they can choose not to do the chores and lose a priveledge. That way the penalty is not you being that bad guy as much as the consequence of the choice that THEY made. That's what the real world is all about anyway, right? You will be teaching them a valuable lesson about life in the meantime. I know that spending one on one time when you have five is difficult. But try to mark on the calendar a day for each child to spend some time with you. Even if you can't leave the house. Go to their room and play a game, or watch a movie, whatever they like to do. This will show that you are interested in the person that they are and will make them more responsive to you. I could go on and on with ideas. I hope this has helped. I don't know too much about your situation. I am a newly married mother of three and my husband (the step-dad) and I are treading these waters together. I did shelter him from responsibility for quite a while so that he could establish relationships with them. This has helped trememdously! They do see their dad every week, but my husband shows more interest in them than their dad does, so they have a much bigger respect for my husband. They really do listen to him. If you want to contact me to talk further, feel free. [e-mail]