Step Family Christmas-Making things "equal"?

Question

I have 2 biokids and 3 stepkids. All 5 live with us full time and the absent parents are not involved in the kids lives. Our first Christmas together we had a bit of an issue. My husband had been laid off so I went into my savings and spent an equal amount of money on all 5 kids for Christmas. My husband did not think to tell me that his family and ex-wife's family mail in gifts for the stepkids. A day after Christmas literally DOZENS of gifts started rolling in for the stepchildren. It was great to see them opening gifts and having a great time but my biological children had nothing to open. I had spent all of my savings (not much to begin with) buying gifts for everyone BEFORE Christmas. The stepkids get many gifts from biomom's family each year (and some of them even send gifts for MY children! But most send only for my step kids which is understandable. My question: Is it acceptable for my husband and I to buy a couple of gifts for my biokids to even things out a little?

My main validation in considering buying a couple of things for my bio children is to not create jealousy or animosity among the kids. But I do feel a bit validated due to the fact that my exhusband sends hundreds a month in child support while my stepkids bio mom is thousands behind and has never paid.

It certainly isn't the stepkids fault that their Mom doesn't pay just as it is not my bio kids fault that they get less gifts from my side of the family. So are we right to consider evening things out on our own?

Thanks for all of the advice so far! No, my exhusband's family does not send gifts to my bio children. I do feel fortunate that my ex does keep up with child support though so I can't complain. By the way, the kids are all very close in age and are still quite young. Ages are 7, 9, 10, 11 and 13. All within ages that notice the "little things."

Answer 1

sounds like there are way too many presents all around. We had a similar issue and i spread the word among the gift givers that there were five kids in the house. If they didn't want to give to all then i suggested cash or bonds. They are still giving but its just money to kids, not as big a deal as opening a present. at least to the little ones. You can go broke buying presents to even things up.

Answer 2

Maybe your husband didn't say anything about the gifts from his ex's family because, it might bring up the issue of them buying all of these gift for these children. Someone should be getting the mother a message about sending some money for them. As for the equality of the gifts for the 5 kids; since you know the step kids are getting extra, just buy them a couple of gifts. For the biological kids get a little more extra gifts from your end to balance out the presents under the tree for everyone. I am pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot; where your husband is concerned, she would be bringing him to court on back child support, if your husband has been laid off he should be in someones courtroom seeking child support.

Answer 3

Oh, very very tough.... Does the father of your children or anyone in his family send gifts to your children?

I think that there are so many factors involved. You have to take into account the children's ages.... It is really a decision between the family.

I don't want to sound "cold" so please don't take it that way, but you know as well as I do that life is tough and it isn't always fair. Life doesn't treat everyone equally.....I think you should be honest with the older children and sit them down and explain to them that the other children get gifts from the other side of the family and that's just the way it is. Perhaps you could buy a couple extra things for the smaller children, but at the end of the day, if you buy more for your children than the others, it really will send a message to the other children....will it be the right message?

I wish you luck as this really is a very tough decision.

Answer 4

I remarried and have 2 step and 3 bio children what we do is on christmas day each child recieves 3 gifts just like Jesus. The other families buy gifts but before hand we had a talk with all children and made sure they understood. That's been going on for3 yrs and it seems to be working so far. Good Luck

Answer 5

Celebrating Christmas might be a beginning, but no it doesn't make you a Christian. My mother in law used to say they should put poinsettias and lilies on the altar every Sunday, maybe people would show up more often. She even made a point of not going on Christmas to make sure there'd be a seat for those who only came then. Think of what a poor world this would be if no one celebrated Christmas. There's more than enough ill will in the world, and unfortunately those who call themselves Christian are often the source. More power to those who keep Christmas without being Christian, I think He's happier with them than those who go about spouting His name while hating the rest of the world He came to redeem. Christmas was never Jesus' birthday. Its place in the Church calendar didn't even come into being until the fourth century. Those who criticise Christians who celebrate it anyway entirely miss the point, and can hardly be called Christians themselves. The world NEEDS a time to celebrate Peace and Life, and the wonderful gift of Christ's Incarnation, even if that is only done with a time of sharing, loving, giving, and forgiving with those closest to us. Down home I used to always laugh at the Midnight Mass on Christmas, because you could always tell who the Baptists were at the service. They were the ones who refused to kneel or stand when everybody else did. Midnight Mass was a tradition, beautiful with all the music, incense, manger scene, and candles, but they drew the line at worshipping. My mother in law was a staunch Methodist. All her children, raised in a strong church tradition, married devout Catholics. At 15 you're asking one of the most important and adult questions there is, one which shows that you are thinking and testing the values that are important in life. I hope you'll continue to ask it, and find answers that help you make the right decisions for the right reasons.

Answer 6

I think it is an excellent idea. They are children and dont understand "why" the step kids get more than them. When they are older and understand then it will be okay. Sounds like you doing a very good job there with the step children and being fair. Hats off to you.

Answer 7

You have good concerns..You are not ever going to please everyone the same so you should be prepared for that.
I think that it would be a good Idea to buy a few extra gifts to even the score if it seems too unfair You don't have to give them.
But when you do be prepared to explain why ,and leave out the child support bs.( but you seem To know that ).
Its a hard line that you walk, good luck.

Answer 8

you know doing for all out of the kindness of your heart you will recieve your blessing in due time dont be bitter at all treat them all equal look at it as a blessing that at lease once a year you get some sort of assistance from the bio mother side of the family i say is guilty gift because you are givivng them what they need and thats love,time and gifts from the heart gl hope it gets better dont trip those step kids see what you are doing one day they will say thankyou maybe in a big fat check for one million dollars from the lottery look at shaquille o'neil how he treats the step father that stepped in to raise him when his bio father didnt you will never know who GOD puts in your life and the reason why but remember GOD will never put more on you than you can handle gl

Answer 9

you should talk tio the bio kids first and see how they feel about it, the important thing is not the gifts its the season and why we celebrate. all 5 should know and feel that they are loved differently but equally. ask bio mom's fam what they intend to send if you feel that you need to keep up. if they are close in age they will be sharing their things or should be anyways. more gifts doesn't mean more love, please instill that in all of them.

Answer 10

I totally agree that you should even it out that way the kids don't get them little tails in there head that you care for the others better. I'm sure you understand how kids get jealous or upset if one gets more than the other. Hope this may help.