How can I ask the bride to be more understanding about body types when selecting bridesmaid's gowns?

Question

One of my best friends (15 years+) has recently asked me to be in her wedding only 7 months away. She is insisting that the bridesmaids' gowns be purchased immediately. I am one of 6 bridesmaids, and the problem is that I am much larger than any of the other women. The bride is a size 8; all the other bridesmaids are between a size 4 and a size 10; I currently wear a size 24 (US sizes). Originally, she told me I would have a year to a year and a half to loose whatever weight I wanted (I've lost 15 pounds already), but she has now halved that by moving up the wedding. She asked for my input on selecting the bridesmaid gown, then refused to accomodate my request of having nothing strapless or sleeveless, due to the fact that while fine for thin women, these styles of dress look horrific on me.
Do I suck this up and spend the entire day looking like Jabba the Hut while everyone else looks fabulous, or do I simply withdraw myself from the wedding party?

Answer 1

I think all of us who have ever been a bridesmaid can relate to your dilemma. Even so-called thin girls have dress issues. I'm having 4 bridesmaids in my wedding who range from a flat-chested size 2, to a very large breasted size 16. I knew there was no way I was going to make everyone happy, so I chose the color and the designer, and told them to choose whatever they liked. I think they are all pretty happy about that. But it sounds as if your friend has her mind set on that particular style. Maybe she will compromise and allow you to wear a wrap (made in the same fabric, color as the dress) which will shield your bare arms/shoulders and allow for some coverage and modesty. The other girls could also get the wrap, but shed it at the reception if they want. Whatever you do, don't starve yourself to get thin so fast, and don't feel uncomfortable saying "I can't be in your wedding" if she won't work with you. There is nothing worse than being in a wedding in a dress you feel like crap in.

Answer 2

i think you should help her overcome her budget. if you could save her a lot on buying your own dresses then perhaps she could use the money to make it into a better, prettier wedding. And it's all due to you, and as you say you are very best friends, she will remember and repay all of you for the kindness. It's not tacky, it's unselfish and kind. if you can't buy a new dress with your own money consider borrowing from your mother or even wear something nice and formal if you have it in your wardrobe. Think about how much expenses could be saved! Dresses are expensive nowadays. If she has four bridesmaids and each dress cost around $200 and above, it would mean almost $1000, which could go into the decorations or even a better gown! Go for it and help her! She'll help you at your wedding too, don't forget!

Answer 3

Speak to her again, ASAP about the styles of dresses. She has got to be more understanding.

Did she already make her decision that the bridemaid's gowns will be strapless? What was she planning to do if someone does not wear strapless for personal modesty's sake, or for religious reaasons? Some churches do not even allow strapless gowns!

I hear you about all of this. And without seeing you, I'm not sure, but there are sometimes strapless dresses that look OK on larger women. Especially if your bust is small, that helps the issue- so you might actually look OK. You might also be able to purchase a little matching or complimentary bolero-style shoulder jacket to cover your upper arms.

Many dressmakers now offer sets of like 10 different dress cuts, all from the same fabric, all in same color, so bridesmaids can look simillar in fabric and color, but have the dresses be different styles (you don't have to look like clones). Ask her if that is an option, here.

If she ends up being inflexible-- frankly, she is not a very true friend to you. You're not bitching about an ugly color or some petty dress issue-- you're talking about basic modesty and personal comfort. If she is determined to make you uncomfortable, then you need to reconsider the friendship with such a difficult bride. A polite bride would be valuing your friendship and personal needs, WAY above fashion.

Two other ideas:
This would break the bank, but you could sneak behind her back and buy matching shawls or little bolero sweaters for ALL the bridesmaids to wear-- then you'll all be the same, and look sensible and covered up! Surprise the bride with this thoughtful gift, from you, to all the bridesmaids!

If, in the end, you feel you have to step down from being a bridesmaid, maybe she could ask you to do a reading or poem for the ceremony. That way you can wear your own, fabulous clothes, that you feel great in.

Answer 4

First off, she shouldn't have told you to lose anything to be in her wedding. She should want you in the wedding for YOU, not for some fashion show. If she is not considerate of letting you pick a flattering style for your shape, you should kindly withdraw from the wedding.

Newsflash! - the bridesmaids dresses do NOT have to be the exact same style. The bride should a) choose a more flattering style for YOU and have everyone else wear it or b) let all the bridesmaids wear different styles (so you won't be singled out) that compliment each other and the bride's dress.

Even though it's not "your day", you shouldn't have to be miserable for an inconsiderate bride.

Answer 5

There are a few things you could try. Many brides now are opting to have all the girls be in different dresses, but in the same color, material, and from the same manufacturer. This is what I did, and all of my bridesmaids, from my size 28 friend to my size 2 one, looked fab!

If she won't go for that, ask her if you can wear a shawl. If she still refuses, then have a heart to heart with her. Tell her that it means a lot to you to be in the wedding party, and you're willing to sacrifice to do it. But also point out that you are paying for this dress, and you would very much appreciate it if you at least felt comfortable in it. Bridesmaids who feel pretty will look pretty in her pictures...bridesmaids who feel like Jabba the Hut will look like Jabba the Hut.

She is your friend, and she should care about your personal comfort. Unless she's a bridezilla, of course. Maybe you'll get lucky and the model-thin type dress she likes won't be available in a size 24, and she'll be forced to find something else!

All in all, I feel that a shawl is a very small request, and she should grant you that. If she refuses to accomodate you at all, then I suggest stepping out of the wedding party. I personally don't think that she cares very much about your feelings. But if you disagree with me, then accept to wear whatever dress she wants you to wear. It would be very gracious of you.

Answer 6

I would talk to your friend, take her to lunch so you can do it on neutral ground. Tell her that you will feel horribly uncomfortable in the dress she's chosen. Could you add a bolero to the dress, that way you can wear the same dress, yet still have your shoulders/arms covered? To me that sounds like a good compromise here, because then the other bridesmaids can wear the dress, the bride has all her bridesmaids in the same dress (which is important to alot of brides), and you get to stay more covered. Another solution is for you to take the dress to a dressmaker, who can add on simple little cap sleeves rather easily. A strapless dress is one of the easiest dresses to "fix" in this manner. It's actually easier than a tank style dress.

Also, remember she has chosen you because she cares for YOU, not what size you are. She may think you look FANTASTIC in the dress, and you might look better than you think as well. In the meantime, keep working on losing the weight, and start doing resistance workouts to build muscle definition. Obviously, concentrate on your upper arms, shoulders, etc., but work your entire body. 7 months is still quite a ways away, and wouldn't it be fantastic if a couple of weeks before the ceremony, you had to get your dress altered?? Good luck to you!

Answer 7

I say go ahead and let her choose whatever dress she wants. Then look and see what the "problem areas" are on the dress for you. If it is the arm/shoulder area, then you could wear the dress with a complimenting shawl/cover up type thing that is in the same fabric or similar or something that compliments the dress. I went to a wedding where the bride did this ( she had gained a lot prior to the ceremony and didnt want to start over on the dress). If its the legs or hips, you could have a seamstress lengthen it or add some flattering "somethings" at the hip area. Finally, if the bride goes all "zilla" on you over this then withdraw ! ( before you buy the dress of course) . good luck

Answer 8

The wedding day is about the bride. If she wants to throw a fit and make you wear a dress that you hate, that's her perogative. Some brides get carried away with that. You may want to think about asking her to pick another bridesmaid. Or, you could put on a sleeveless dress and remind her that she'll have these pictures to look at for the rest of her life. That might be enough motivation for her to think about changing her mind. (Either way, she shouldn't make you feel bad/change your body type to suit her. Not a sign of a good friend.)

Answer 9

As a last possible solution, I would withdraw but there is one option that comes to mind that you could point out to your best friend. If you feel uncomfortable in the style of dress she has chosen for you, than it will reflect in your demeanor and posture the entire day. Aside from the fact that this would be obvious and horrendous in person, it will come shining right through in the beautiful wedding pictures she is probably going to spend a small fortune on. If she doesn't see the sense in you being in a different dress at that point, she won't get it until she sees you the day off in your strapless/sleeveless dress.

Answer 10

You know, you can easily order a designer bridesmaid dress in a style that also comes in plus sizes. Why can't she choose from those? Then the dress will look nice on EVERYONE.

If she can't do that, and you can't bear to wear what she chooses, you could withdraw from the wedding party...although I think that would be selfish and immature.

But honestly, if she won't change her mind, I think you should just wear the thing and put a shawl over for the reception only. It's really not about you! And, I congratulate you on losing the weight. That's wonderful! Also, since you don't have as much time to lose it, just concentrate on your back and upper body, since those are the parts that will show in the dress. I wasn't in shape, but I focused on just these areas and my back looked fierce by the time the wedding rolled around! And showing just a bit of skin will make you seem more confident and younger!